Here I stand… Alone.. Again..

When college ended for the break- I decided I needed to move out of my current situation – Get away and start fresh- I couldn’t handle the emotional pain and struggles I was facing. All of the stress was too much. It was not easy to handle at once considering the situation I had previously just been in back home in California. I needed change and I needed to feel like I could be myself. Not someone with a mask. I went back to California for 5 days and did my best to make amends and fix relationships with those who I had hurt. I tried to make things better with my mom and even my brother – for the first time I am able to be open about my brother sexually abusing me when I was 5 and ended when I was 8. I have selectively told few family members and been hiding in shame all of these years. I NEVER speak about my brother and the way he .. abused me.. I had so much hurt and anxiety, flash backs and sadness that when the arguments with my mom became too much I left. I am 18 and have just as a voice as she does. I can stand up for myself. I have the strength to do that now. After I left her house I was staying with a friend at her house and then was usually out all night with her and another friend. I was more than glad to leave California and start over somewhere new. No going back to Michigan and school over there.. I was needing to be free.. be who I want to be.. Anyway – I will not disclose where I currently am or my living situation.. but I can say that it has been really nice to start over – taking a deep  breath of fresh air and moving on from my past has been really nice. I enjoy being myself.

Since my move I have been trying to get back on my feet- yes I spent Christmas alone and was depressed by the matter but I knew and that it’s a lot better than being stuck with family feeling unhappy with myself and the situation.. I also have been feeling alone.. really really alone.. I have been feeling like I have to be way more grown up – which ultimately is a nice feeling but it also has been a struggle.. I don’t know where my next meal is going to come from or what it’s going to be. I am applying for food stamps this week and state covered health insurance for my medications. I have been sick with some virus or cold or whatever and have been getting bloody noses- I need to get that looked at.. I just feel like I am facing a lot of challenges emotionally all on my own – it’s a fact, I don’t have family I can call for support or a shoulder to cry on or someone to listen to me vent.. I am emotionally on an island. YES I have a good living situation temporarily right now but I they can only help to a certain extent…

I have been feeling really lousy – My urges to cut myself or take one too many pills has been creeping  up on me.. My eating disorder is coming back as well.. Restricting- eating nothing all day and then when I do eat I barely touch whats on my plate. Binge eating has happened occasionally – but because I won’t go back to purging I am restricting my intake of food. I am having so much trouble coping and its frightening. I want to be healthy and happy but the depression and anxiety seem to stick like crazy glue. I understand that wherever you go- there you are, but I feel like this is just a phase for me – this is the tail end of my depression, I am going to be happy and healthy when I get back on my feet. I can support myself and be able to do the things I want to do for myself in order to be successful. I hope to recover eventually.. I think that the anti anxiety med to calm the panic attack and the unable to sleep is kicking in..

I am afraid I am going to cut myself tomorrow if I awake up feeling lousy. I should be able to stay strong and not let it get too me. I say that now but we’ll have too see how intense the thoughts are tomorrow.

Love Always,

Falling_Soup