if this aint grief… im fucked.

grief is defined as: intense sorrow, especially caused by someones death.

now, im trying to work out if one can feel grief for a person who has died even though they have never met, in real life.

a very close online friend died recently, not by suicide, which is ironic in itself given that we met here and connected on our chosen preferred method of suicide. what followed was an amazingly close but short lived friendship. we had everything in common, we chatted every day and exchanged everything from pics to videos of us playing music. truly the most amazing person i have met in my 40 years on this asshole planet.  i knew she was sick but we both kinda chose to ignore it…which hurts so much now. i wish i had done more, anyway, when i finally heard last week that something had gone wrong and the cancer was too far gone, i was in deep shock. so two days later i get this time delayed email saying goodbye with a bunch of songs she sang. fucking broke me. and now all i can do is play her songs, look at her pictures, re read messages and get upset. constantly. since then i have been emailing her every day, eventhough i know she has gone…. seriously whats up with me??

so i need to know if im experiencing grief or my cheese has finally slid off my cracker once and for all!!

ive not lost anyone really close to me before, hence my confusion at my feelings.  im just a freaking mess atm but even though, it feels different to my old friend depression.  anyway, im lost. and really….

if this aint grief… im fucked.