I’m back.. And feel worse than ever..

December 8th, 2016by GerbzBaby

I haven’t posted here in what seems like a long time. My life was starting to improve little by little, but, as of recently it’s gone down hill. I’ve been having so much trouble with keeping myself happy. My physical as well as my mental health is rapidly deteriorating. I’m not eating correctly, I only eat at least one to two meals a day with very little consumption of water. When I do eat it’s junk food. My digestive system is all kinds of fucked up (going to the doctors soon to get it checked) and I really do fear for the worst.

My mental health has recently dropped to an all time low. Mostly, it’s because of my friends. The way they treat me. They don’t want to bother with me..

(Here’s a little story that kind of got me upset and bothered me that lead into me falling back into my depression) Yesterday I was leaving my house to go visit with one of my close guy friends at school. He told me to wait because someone who apparently was stalking me was there. I was in the car, was ready to go when I got the messag from him. I admit I was already irritable from the lack of sleep I’ve been getting for the past few days and that kind fueled my irritability a bit..So I got out of my car and went back inside.

I snapchatted him and he started getting pissy at me asking “what?! You didn’t leave the house??” I argued back saying that he told me to wait because of a “stalker”. We went back and fourth arguing a bit before I finally arrived at school. The first thing I asked him when I came In was the person who was supposively stalking me. He told me he would tell me later.

I kept trying to get him to tell me but he wouldn’t! I thought maybe it was because someone else was with us so I kinda brushed it off.

After the other person left I went on to ask him again who this person was. Then, and here’s were it gets good, he tells me he was just joking and that I took the joke to far. I was baffled that he would lie like that and think I went to far with this “joke”?

So, I argued back something like “why did you do that? You wasted my time and lied to me!” Then he laughed and asked “you on your period? All of my girl friends are on theirs so you must be close!” .. That fucking pissed me off. He thinks I was mad because I was on my period? I sat there in shock (I never thought he would say that to me ever.. He knows about my depression and anxiety).

He went to go get his stuff to go practice driving and I went to go get my stuff to leave. He then said to me after I didn’t say anything to him as I passed him ” oh well it’s okay if your mad at me. You’ll forgive me”. He has never treated me like this.. Ever.. And just seeing his true colors made me feel that I could never find a friend who cares about me.

so after that, I went to the pet store and came to the conclusion that I need a break from everyone. I made that announcement on my snapchat (and I really really don’t mean to sound like an attention whore :/) no one texted me to ask me if I was ok.. It broke me to pieces.. I feel more lonely than I ever have before.. And it didn’t help that people looked at my messages and never responded back..

i feel broken and no one cares at all. I’m sure they are glad I’m gone. :/ I really need to find new friends or just get rid of my friends all together.. I wish I could start a new..

god.. I feel if this continues I feel like I might do something that I’ll regret ( and I don’t mean harming others if anyone thinks that!).

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