Its 5:09am and I havent slept a wink… Story of my life…

Hi. This is the first time ive ever written on, or have seen this site. Im usually not the type to talk about my feelings, or ever really feel them even… I dont ever cry. Or cut or any of that… Or at least not that i can remember. Im high most of the time… Not a junkie for anything specifically besides booze i guess, but ive gotta be on something everyday. Ive gotta get out of my head. To forget my memories of every mistake ive ever made. Every pitifull, embarassing, excuse for a life ive lived. Most of you would probably hate me so much if you got to get to know me, and for good reason. I have a way of destroying everything good around me. Turning everything into a shit mess revolving around me and my fucked up problems…
I was always a bully as a kid. But i was never violent. In grade school and middle school there were a few kids i would verbally tear into. I was that piece of shit who would make fun of kids with handicaps, or christians, or anyone i thought was easy prey i guess. My brother got it pretty bad, and i feel fucking horrible now about the way i used to treat him as kids (hes 16 now, im 22). I was the worst big brother imaginable…
When i hit 8th grade i started to ease up on the direct verbal attacks on kids and became a kind of a behind your back shit talker. I grew to be incomprensibly cyinical, a trait i still carry… I still have a horrible sense of dark humor that goes to the extent of thinking everything is a joke, myself included. But what brought the change partly was i started getting stoned that year. I smoked weed for the first time at 13 and became an everyday smoker from then on. It was that cliche newbie stoner sigh i was able to let out, like fuck yes… Where has this release been all my life????
And so began my escapism down the many rabbitholes of drug fueled escapades. I was having fun lots of the time, but as i got older i wanted to drift further from reality. I hate authority, and i was always pushing the boundries. Smoking weed in school, vandalising buildings, stealing our parents cars, and other random degenerate acts. By 15 i was taking mushrooms, painkillers, and adderall regularlly, by 16 it was blow, xanax, acid, a whole laundry list of RCs, xtc, basically anything i could eat or snort. But i had people then. Girlfriends, a slight amount of self confidence that would compare to “normal” folk..
I got caught with an oz of weed by school sequrity though junior year and got thrown on probation and had to quit smoking weed for 6 months… So i was still getting fucked up on other random shit, and so began my struggles with the law. But high school ended late for me because i skipped school and took an extra 6 months to graduate… My girlfriend at the time cheated on me and dumped me which destroyed me (although thinking back i was such a piece of shit i just used her and every girl ive been with, ever, as a shoulder to lean on and a body to fuck) and i started quitting the many jobs ive had to sell drugs, then lose all the money, then go back to work…
All of my “friends” and “my girls” dissapeared and the new ones ive hung around are equally as flaky, shady, and shallow, and will take from me whatever they can before they move on, and i tend to do the same. I have no meanful relationships. Ive become increasingly panicky and anxiety filled, i rely on booze and xanax to talk to even my “friends”… Im a *****.
Ive robbed people, ive lost tens of thousands of dollars of other peoples money, and my thoughts are usually about drugs or money these days. Nothing else. Sometimes getting laid but its only that, i cant connect with a girl, or at least not one i should be with..
Ive been sober as well for good amounts of time, as ive caught 4 felonies and done about a year in county over the last 2 years and i went to rehab and a halfway house which my probation required, and i find sobriety just as shitty, if not shittier than life surrounding drugs.. I woke up irratated everyday at peoples desire to change, and happiness.
Misery loves company they say…
Ive been inching closer and closer to suicide. I “joke” about it to people all the time now, and i think itll just be a matter of time for me to strike up the courage to finally do it… Gunshot im thinking. It’d prolly be the most interesting thing i could possibly do with my life at this point. Theyll be some stupid facebook memory page up for me and my “friends” will say how much they miss me, even though they dont give a fuck. And then they forget, and thats it. My mother and father and brother will be sad for a while im sure, but in the end it will save them a lot of money and wasted love.
That being said, i do love them. And i love people. I yearn for love, but its becoming out of my grasp. All i feel i deserve to love now is the head change, just like every other person with my same overheard story…
Ill be homeless soon too here or have to go back home to mom and dads. Which is so fucking embarassing for me. I moved out of my hometown for a reason. I dont want to have to go back and get a job there. But its that or stay here and work and be homeless, its the midwest in Dec, and be on probation either place im at so i cant even get high like how i normally would or ill be thrown in jail…
I guess i can remember the last time i cried though…. I met some drifters 2 or 3 years ago i was gonna travel with, and i told my mother goodbye. The cops came before i was able to really leave with them, so i didnt get far, but i thought i was leaving my family for a while, or forever. I balled my eyes out for a good 5 mins and had a frog in my throat for a while after. But then i drank some burbon, and jammed with those dudes into the night ( im a guitar player, and that dude played a mean mandolin), and cried tears of happiness later on, because i felt free.
Maybe thats what death will feel like.

If you made it this far, thank you & i love you.
6:51am

Saul_Plastic