Lifes loop

Does anyone else feel they spend the majority of their time fighting their own emotions to please another for the greater good? Where you place all your emotions on hold just to provide any remote sense of joy in another because you’re not capable of such an emotion. Utilising anothers person to sense joy from a smile or their hug or just their presence, the closest one will be to being “happy”. Everyday I wake up I wish I didn’t. What is happiness? How do you know what it looks or feels like? Are only certain people worthy of such an emotion? Eventually you reach the point of emptiness, no sense emotion good or bad; a constant limbo. Upon having your heart broke you don’t even feel sadness or anger just empty unlike the first time. While I have fantasized about my methodolgy of suicide I’ve reached the point of no return where I believe I’m here to suffer and just act as a tool to provide happiness to others, the closest I will be to such an emotion. Regardless of how hard you try sometimes you will not be good enough, sometimes you’ll be taken for granted… But that’s okay I don’t hurt. I don’t feel at all. Maybe tbe sensation of suicide will return again? Weirdly I hope it does, I question my future often and see no place for me in a society like today. 2016, the year that keeps on taking.

Expanded-

I’m at my happiest when I’m asleep, just wishing I never awake. Even then 80% of my sleep is insomnia, anxiety and nightmares, I’ve still got that 20%. My only fear of not awaking is my families response. I fear being a disappointment to them, trying my hardest to impress them or even trying to experience genuine love. But what would be more disappointing ending your life out of fear of being a disappointment or just becoming a disappointment? I’ve kind of given up in the sense of a love life, Being weak and sad you either go unnoticed or get taken for granted. You will truly know you’re not happy when you make it your priority to avoid anything and anyone, regardless of whom they are. The only thing that keeps me going is my little sister. Trying to set an impression she can follow in, it’s hard. You can never keep a strong face all the time but you try, just for “them”. You’ll forever put other people first, your self worth will always be lower than any others no matter how hard you try. Life will go on for them, but for me? Not for long.