musings of a madman

December 24th, 2016by Darkspark

When I die and my brain shuts off my consciousnesses will cease to be and I will exist only in the minds of others. And if no one truly knew me then I may has well never existed at all. I have accomplished nothing and leave no legacy. A life time of deep contemplation and I leave behind nothing but fragments of thoughts posted anonymously in a  dark corner of the internet to be lost among thousands of others written by people just like me.

But I wonder how the people I care about will remember me? Will they remember all the good times, or will I just be another tragic memory for them, better off forgotten? Have I had any Positive impact on anything or anyone?

My family, will you forgive me? Will you understand it wasn’t your fault and there was nothing you could do? If you could see past your idealized version of me to what I really am, would you still care or would you come to resent me?

My best friend, I haven’t spoken to you in years now and it’s all my fault, I’m sorry for that. You were the truest friend I ever had and the only one who ever understood me. What will you think about me after I’m gone? Will you remember all the fun we had together and all the trouble we used to get into? Will you fondly remember the punk ass kid you wasted your youth with? Or hate me for what I have done.

The Woman I love, This wasn’t suppose to happen, I wasn’t suppose to fall for you. I was dead inside before i met you, I felt nothing, completely numbed to the world. Then I met you and we became friends, I feel more of a connection with you than any one I’v ever met. It is as if life was breathed back into my rotting corpse and now i feel all the pain of life once again. I wonder if you love me too and what you would say if i told you, you have been with some one else since well before we met, yet the feeling seems to be mutual. If i had met you first would we be together?

We are still young now, I wonder if you will ever think of me many decades from now as an old woman and remember the deep conversations and laughs we shared together. Or will the short time we’v had together be just an insignificant speck in the back of your mind of the depressed young man you once knew? I don’t believe in an after life but i sincerely wish i could find you again in another life…

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