It seems every attempt at love is just another masked use of my time and remaining emotion. First time my heart was broken I failed my ALevels, UUUU in all my subjects and now 3 years down the line, living with whom I thought was the one does the same. I don’t want to live like this anymore, even in a relationship you become lonely. I actually hate myself for thinking people have the ability to change or be different, sort of explains why I can’t change to being happy. Only took for 2 years to admit dishonestly and unloyalty, 2 years. I’ve reached the point where suicide isn’t a scary or rare thought… It’s a constant thought. Every morning I open my eyes and just die a little more on the inside… Another day of hell. Almost 80% of my time goes towards researching suicide methods to ensure success. However I’d like to go peacefully via xanax and alxohol or an exit bag or even jumping at a height. I can’t help but also want a painful prolonged death, sort of like the reality of life. I’ve reached a point where I fantasise about slitting my wrists and sitting in the bath so my body welcomes who I thought was the one home, as selfish as it sounds I’d like her to see what she has done to me mentally.
I don’t even know why I write these things, I don’t care for the attention I care for the use of expressing without judgement something I can’t do. I can’t stand being lonely or taken for granted anymore or even again. I genuinely question my purpose, forever the family disappointment and a free useable person. I don’t know what hurts more the fear of being alone, the fear of being cheated on, the fear of being forgotten or the fear of being a disappointment. Even then none of them hurt or scare one as much as being used by the one who you thought could of saved you from reality. I genuinely am stuck in a limbo of whether i should say goodbye or just die, would anyone care anyway? Of course not. Moral of the story is people regardless of how much you trick yourself into being happy you never truly are, ever. You can trick yourself into believing someone can save you when in fact they’re just using you to make themselves feel better.
Life sucks and that’s about it. 19yo and don’t even want to become 20. Fuck love, fuck happiness, fuck everything and everyone.