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Over it..

by falling_soup

I don’t know how much longer I want to really be alive. To be honest, I am okay, I am hanging by a thread and doing my best to be content. Overall, I feel so alone and in the dark, my urges to self harm are being blocked by the fact of if someone I am close with found out that I started cutting again- they would be crushed. I care about them deeply and want them to be happy. I feel like I don’t make them happy and that I weigh them down. I know they care about me but.. I just can’t put my self in a place where they actually enjoy my company – I stress them out because I am trying to find a place for myself and support myself. I know that they must like me to a certain extent- I mean sheesh we are together. I don’t understand.. I over think every little thing and then- feel depressed because I beat myself up emotionally for the things I choose to over think. I am running so many thoughts in my head.. I just want out- I can’t be in this world. I am a dark soul with no energy or life- I barely smile because I am actually happy. I stay here because- I know there are few who care and would be crushed to found out I gave up.. But the other part of me is not really wanting to be here and I don’t even know why I am here to begin with. I have been beaten down and put down. I am emotionally numb.. I don’t know.. I am at a loss. I tend to stay in this world for whatever reason I am subconsciously thinking about but then I can’t even explain it half the time of why I even try.. I pushed out a lot of family and I stand alone – My family did betray me and make me feel small- so it ultimately was for the best.. I am stuck- I guess I haven’t found my true reason as to why I am here yet.. I attempt and then ask for help- I can’t make up my mind anymore. I just want to be okay again- not an emotional roller coaster – I wonder what’s wrong with me..

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firefly1161 12/28/2016 - 3:26 am

i know how you feel thats exactly whats going on in my life . i dont like thinking what other people think about me cutting. i aslo hate to think about how i hurt others because i am the person who try to make every one esle happy nut theres really no one there to make me happy, thr only perspn that knows about it and can make me happy aslo wants to die.

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