Runaway

I think I’m one of the people who everyone seems to be fascinated by from a distance but when they get closer it’s chaos and nothing more.
I was in a boarding school for most of my life and neither do I feel at home here with them nor do I fit in to a normal school’s setting. It’s like being stuck between two things , none of which actually feel like my own. I’ve attempted suicide twice , I think and the only thing which has stopped me till date from achieving this one goal is family. I can’t imagine what they would do and the number of ways in which they would blame themselves.
I guess you could say I am one of those people who don’t really have anything missing from life but life itself. People say that when people like me have nothing on our minds we create problems for ourself. I will not try to deny their claims as they are stupid enough to believe that not everyone has some or the other problem in their life. Is it enough to take one’s own life ? Never. I’m still thinking about it anyway. I feel like all these people who’ve really hurt me and all the pain and everything is supposed to lead to one inevitable death which will probably free us from all the pain in this world. I am an 18 year old who has a lot in life to look forward to but judging by any past experiences I’ve had I’d rather be dead than here to tell the world about my miseries and have them not care over and over again. I think that’s the one thing which makes life seem all that hard, that nobody can be trusted and nobody cares about my life or death. For those who do (fam), I am here and I ain’t going nowhere but if it ever crosses a certain limit , I will run away to a place where nobody can find me or I will just end it all and I hope it doesn’t happen but when it takes over me I have no control over it.