Shame.

December 25th, 2016by Scaredsincebirth1

I admire and envy people in this site who can put their pain in words. Who can compose sentences so they became storys. In my opinion that’s a big thing because I’m unable to do that. At least you have some kind of relationship with yourself. At this point, I can’t describe my emptiness because I’m certain that my personality and soul stopped evolving at a very young age. It stopped evolving because my mother was distant and never looked into my eyes and I didn’t learn anything about empathy and love at the very young age. I’ve studied psychology a little bit and I know there’s a certain age when a child starts to understand and feel that he/she is not them who he/she sees. I didn’t ever learn that. It’s so hard to describe. I don’t even know how to look life with my own eyes. For example when someone says with positive energy „French is so cool and beautiful” I start to feel that yea… I should learn it. The problem is the world is so big and peoples opinions are so different that it’s impossible to please everyone. I mean… not even please. But to try to rely on some good sentences and beliefs that doesn’t even come from my own heart because my life is distant from my heart. Because my childhood was hell and I was ashamed to show any emotion to my family: I was afraid of crying, laughing and sharing. Only time I showed my true pain to my parents was at the mental hospital (I experienced psychosis) when they first time came to see me and I first time of my entire life yell at them: GO AWAY. I sometimes really do envy the familys where people SOMETIMES yell at eachother because I know it’s a energy and anger exchange but it’s SO HUMAN. For me I feel „I’m not worth enough to get angry at someone, why my opinion even matters? I’m noone, my anger doesn’t matter” If you feel that way every day you become invisible … It was impossible to share my life with my mother and father because I knew they won’t respond. When I cried, they didn’t comfort me etc. So i started feeling ashmed of having human emotions. I’m not connected with my own personality, my tastes. Therefore my life has been a total mess. Because I didn’t feel love in my early years and all the time through childhood and teen years, I’m incapable of love. I’m convinced of it. Through young ages I faked smiles all the time, every day. Nobody in my family didn’t smile, so I took an enormous wage on my shoulders to pretend the happy child of the family so everyone can feel that actually everything is ok. It was a huge lie, a coping strategy, my soul ached, I couldn’t sleep at the kindergarden – never. I learned everything through enormous fear. Because I felt my mother didn’t love me I thought mybe she will love me when I’m good, so I learned everything about my mother how to not distrub her (she wanted to watch tv all the time) and felt really big amount of fear when I made a mistake. And still do. I can’t remember how it felt to be deeply, undesbribleby ashamed of being alive because at the moment I’m closed to all emotions but my muscles are tense. So how does a person who has no fixed personality live like? She observes the other humans all the time. She feels like an alien at the age of 25. She doesn’t have these values inside her like others seems to have. Sometimes she is able to feel others energy. I mean every person has that. That’s what makes you a person. I don’t know how to think. I ask it all the time… „So how do you think? I mean do you think in words?” I asked my boyfriend that. Because I can only see the facial expressions, I’m so self-conscious that I know I don’t have them, it feels like I am only come to this world to be an observer, not to participate in it. I’m honest with my boyfriend and he is very kind but it’s not just fair to him. I don’t know. So… I’ve experienced every kind of hell because of lack of love. I can’t socialise at all, can’t look into peoples eyes because I feel the energy that comes from eyes and I can’t respond to it because I have no experience in it. Can’t work. I’m emotionally disabled. Stranger to myself. /English is not my first language btw and I know I jumped from one topic to another but this is me, the issue is the same, doesn’t matter what I write – I’m invisible, unable to connect my own desires but see peoples desires and their expectetions to me etc. Thank you for reading.

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