December 22nd, 2016by SoVeryTired
I’ve been in a psych hospital for 6 weeks now. Tried ECT for 4 weeks, but I got resistant to it, wasn’t getting good seizures, and it did nothing to improve my mood. Now that’s stopped, and one more medication was added to the mix, dexamphetamine. It’s giving me more energy, but it hasn’t changed the “colour” of my mood, just the intensity. I still feel sad, just more intensely so, whereas before I was totally flat. If anything it’s made me more suicidal, as I now have more drive to actually see my plans through.
There is a very strong sense that my suicide is both inevitable and imminent, I will just wait for a time a bit after Christmas – I really don’t want to do this to my family on Christmas. So, maybe another week, that will also give the latest medication change a chance to work. This way I can honestly say that I tried my best to fight it. One more week and then I’ll give myself permission to finally die.
It makes me sad. I would have liked to see my son get married (he got engaged this year) and have babies, would have loved to become a grandma. But my brain is just unable to feel joy and happiness, and I cannot continue to live like this, I simply can’t.