Wont be much longer. Maybe january.. I feel it in my bones. In my heart. In the pit of my stomach. Its time for me to go, and im ready. Feels like my chest is collapsing tonight. I want to cry and laugh. Scream and fight. Love and cherish. I want to feel and do everything all at once and its overwhelming. But in the back of my mind, i hear that voice saying over and over “its time.”
Its time.. Im not afraid. It doesnt bother me. My only concern is the people i’ll be hurting in the process. But grief is temporary. Life goes on. Just not mine.
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quite funny, I had my “save the date” set for a day in januray too, felt more relaxed since
I don’t really think I might even have started posting here, if I hadn’t set that date, and feeling that bit peaceful
What is this feeling, ambition? hope? hope that it will finally be a permanent state of “relaxed” mind?
I don’t know, but I don’t regret coming out of the shadows and starting posting, so ‘m glad if making up my mind didn’t bring me much else it at least allowed for that
I have no fear, no doubt, I can see it play out in my head,
and it seems… beautiful, feels.. just right.. like it’s time
Its nice to finally be at peace with it. I was so terrified for so long. But January seems so far away.
Yea I think so too
Every day the past 2 months I’ve been thinking, “I wont make it, I can’t last another day, January comes too slow”
and I still worry I might not make it that long,
but so far my motivation for that day have worked, so I trust and hope it will carry me at least that far
Even though I can’t stay any longer for my them, I feel I can wait a little longer for them, so that they can at least keep their holidays “untainted”
no point in me wrecking anymore than I already have
I don’t want to go alone, but i don’t want anyone with me either. I’m so conflicted on multiple aspects. Haven’t had the nerve to really think it through until now. Its only a month away, but this month will be hellish.
I plan to take the bus up north from where I live, out to the point, where the Fjord meets the ocean
just sit there and look at it, the stars and the moon, tiny reflecting lights in the ocean surface
just slowly drifting off, as snowflakes slowly descends from the night sky
Going it over and over in my head, fills me with confidence, and as the “movie” plays out in there, it just seems and feels so peaceful, even if I’m not there yet
That sounds beautiful
Hey M- no it’s not your time. It can’t be. That wouldn’t make sense. I think what you’re feeling is a major reckless change about to happen in your life, not death. It may feel as frightening and ominous as death but don’t be fooled. I think it’ll put you on a new path. A better one.
You know when you go on a job interview and it doesn’t feel right and you go home thinking you blew it? And then the next day you get the job, and you’re like Wow I never expected that to happen? I think that’s what you’re feeling.
Crappy analogy but it’s the best I could come up with.
You’re not done.
You still have to finish the 50 year playlist you promised me.
I understand. pain is hard. i know it feels like life isnt working out. But pain is temporary, you said it yourself! so keep fighting!! Find something you love and do it. Find someone who makes you happy and spend as much time with them as you can. Dont hold back from being happy. You deserve to be okay. Everyone does. It is not your time. You are so loved in so many lives. i dont know you but if you were to go, my heart would shatter, so i cant imagine the life long suffering that they will feel. suicide doesnt end the pain, it only spreads it. I love you, and as my favourite actor always says “Always Keep Fighting” – jared padalecki.
I can’t even explain to you how much we have in common. I was planning on killing myself next weekend. It wouldn’t be too close to the holidays, and I’d still have enough time get everything ready, and prepare myself mentally. “Unfortunately”, someone gave me a little hope, so now I’m not sure if I want to do it or not. I would say there’s still a 40% chance I’m going to commit suicide, but that dropped from a staggering 70%. If you’d like someone to talk to, then I’m someone who won’t sugar coat anything, and I’d be happy to make a new friend. Can’t promise you how long I’ll be around though.
I am not at all concerned about the people I leave behind. I have found out that in actual moments where I almost died from mistake by overdosing, I didn’t want to be dead. And that time the EMS came and my paranoid mindset told me they were about to kill me, I went out kicking and screaming. So I still wasn’t comfortable with death. If I keep embarrassing myself from drinking too much or any other embarrassing behavior from substance abuse, I might have to end myself on that alone. How many times can you keep making a fool of yourself? It’s too much to take.