Un-convictions

For a long time I’ve pondered over and over again the idea of suicide. The feelings of the suicidal mind are so complex. I think what makes suicide so difficult is the fact that no one truly wants to die. We would rather live, perhaps not this life we hate, but the life we dreamed we had. No matter what you believe in or how religious you are the fact is that no one knows for sure what happens after you die. I often ask myself do you want to wake up tomorrow..my answer is always no. There is nothing to look forward to tomorrow. Tomorrow will be just like today and exactly like yesterday. Same routine, same bullshit, same shitty human experience. Boring, monotone, and dissappointing. But then I ask myself if I could die right this very minute painlessly and without any worry of sinning or repercaution for choosing death would I truly choose to die? It bothers me that as suicidal as I feel I still have no clear answer within myself. I don’t know if I would choose to die, even though every day of my existence feels utterly pointless, empty and meaningless. Even though sometimes I feel as if I can’t breath as I asphyxiate on loneliness. Despite living in so much pain and despair it is amazing to me to think that I might still choose this fucked up life over dying and I just simply can’t understand that. I guess deep down I don’t want to be the one to make the choice. What a dream it would be to die unknownly in our sleep and never have to face another day nor the choice to end what should have never been.