After almost a year of lurking at posts on this site, of finding inspiration from other people’s stories, of trying desperately to fight to control the urge to suicide, I’ve finally made an account, and I’ve finally decided to post.
My life is a fast track to failure, but I’m not going to get into that right now. I’m only 18, been through hell with my family, but I’ve held on so long. I’ve tried to live, tried to be happy, tried to be an optimist. And I was, at first. Life is not even hardly easy for any man, and I’ve had my fair share of hardship, but I tried to be happy for my family. I tried to be happy for my own self assurance.
And now, it’s like all the trying has been for nothing, because early 2016, before I graduated high school, my mindset finally caved in to the depression that I tried so hard to ward off, the depression I didn’t even know I had.
For months, I’ve researched suicide methods. Hanging (research on all the types of this), exit bag, train, gun, suicide by cop, heights, car exhaust, pills, highway semi, drowning, ********, etc, etc, etc.
And with the resources available to me, only hanging is the most convenient in my situation. But, I tried partial suspension this morning and didn’t get dizzy at all. My throat was constricted but I had the urge to lurch/vomit every time I waited 5 seconds, so I kept standing up. Wasn’t from nerves because I was completely calm and ready to do it. I’d already written my exit note months ago, cried like a baby until I was numb enough to come to terms with my choice, etc. I was SO READY TO GO AND I STILL AM.
My dad came to the kitchen, where I’d gone to look for something to drink to stop the burning of my throat, and he said, “[Gorganizing], why’s your face swollen? What’s wrong with ya?” He seemed a little concerned, but I just looked at the open fridge and said, “I don’t have any idea what you’re talking about.” Just yesterday, we talked about how I’m doing nothing with my life.
I just want to know what I did wrong. In the attempt, I mean. I used a series of 3 belts, tied them together, looped over the door, and created a noose that would tighten when I fell, without breaking. Maybe I should turn the knot/buckle to the complete left side of my head so circulation is cut off from the right side of my neck/artery? I don’t know, I just want to be gone by New Year’s Day.
I refuse to hold on any longer.
7 comments
Why don’t you just overdose on sleeping pills? I’ve heard it’s not terribly painful. And if you hang yourself wrong you could only get brain damage, and then you’ll be even worse off.
I tried making a belt noose once. Not a good idea. I feel like rope will just work better.
Reading a lot of posts from other SPers, many have attempted hanging and have failed, either with rope or belts. I just don’t think this is a good method. If you keep standing up every 5s, it won’t work. But I’m sure it’s due to your body instinctively trying to live, even though your conscious mind does not.
Also, not that I want you to die, but if you kicked your chair away, how are you able to stand back up? Unless you didn’t kick your chair away?
I tried partial suspension, so my feet were still on the ground.
I tried partial suspension, so my feet were still on the ground.
That might have worked for a few seconds, but at least in my experience, hanging can work for a few seconds and then stop working all together. I tried a couple of times and on each try it worked less and less, so i’d read up more on it. You really don’t want to deal with oxygen deprivation consequences.