why shouldn’t i be dead?

At night  I turn into something else. no matter how good my day was I find a way to completely destroy it all in one single night. Im scared. Im so scared. Last night I hit and destroyed someone, again. suicide is all i can think about.  I want to leave. I don’t want to live this life anymore. The more things fail the more I just realize I should  kill myself. I feel like I’m running from my self but I can never get far enough. I have so many reasons. I’ve tried to kill myself with less reasons so why shouldn’t i be dead?