First, I want to clarify that I have a decent job, a good home and friends / family that I interact with. I have no childhood trauma and no major tragedy happened to my family. This means that my life is comfortable, but not necessarily happy.
Actually it is the opposite: I have been really sad for about 7 years now (I’m 25). The first reason is because I can’t ignore other people expectations on me. I know that I shouldn’t care about what other people think, but it is easier said than done.
Because I am a man, people expect me to be extrovert, suppress all my feelings (except anger), and always be secure. Because I am young, people expect me to go out all the time and always be on a relationship or looking for one. I am not like this. I don’t fit the male and young stereotype. I am what the psychologist T. Z. describes as “sensitive man”. In his words: “tend to be disturbed by loud noises, violence, and crowds, fearful of new situations, easily hurt by criticism, or hesitant about playing aggressive games”. Also, “sensitive boys tend to be creative, kind, and gentle, appreciating beauty and feeling love deeply. Therefore, it’s particularly challenging for sensitive boys to grow up in a culture where boys are taught to act tough, aggressive, and unemotional”. This basically sums up how I fell. It is a more feminine way of viewing things, and society rejects this kind of behavior. According to Wikipedia, men commit suicide at least twice as much as woman in almost all parts of the world. It is written there: “According to literature on gender and suicide, male suicide rates are explained in terms of traditional gender roles. Male gender roles tend to emphasize greater levels of strength, independence, and risk-taking behavior. Reinforcement of this gender role often prevents males from seeking help for suicidal feelings and depression.”
Apart from other people expectations, there are mine expectations that I can’t fulfill, starting with my personal life. Because I learned to suppress all my feelings, I feel incapable of loving someone. I don’t feel that I love my parents, relatives and friends the same way that they love me. I can stay months without talking with them and not miss them. I would like to meet a girl that understands me and help me out of this, but it seems that my body is incapable of fell attracted by someone. I just loved one girl in my entire life and she rejected me. Before I met her, I thought that I was asexual. Being more sensitive and insecure is very unattractive for most of girls. This just makes me more anxious and insecure, and this cycle gets stronger every year that passes. It seems very unlikely that I will love someone again AND she will understand me and give me a chance. I don’t feel like to start frequenting places just to find someone, for me it must be something that happens naturally. This makes me worried that I will end up alone, but at the same time it is me that drive people away.
My professional is also heading to a direction that I don’t want to: I do the most boring office work possible. No perspective of professional growth or working with something I like. I can’t simply leave the job because it pays better than the most I can get by now and I help to pay the bills in my house. My job has also some prestige associated with it, all my relatives and friends think it is great. For them, quitting would be insane. It is just sitting all day in front of a computer doing some random stuff that is not challenging, like a robot. I don’t know if I would like to continue to work where I work even if I got promoted, but it seems the only option right know.
I really want to get out of this but it seems there is nothing I can’t do. I tried many times to change my habits to become more attractive, to be more extrovert or to care less about what other people think or the future. I tried to play sports, get a hobby, frequenting different places, but nothing helps. It would be nice if people accepted others the way they are and let them do what they want, but is not going to happen. Sometimes when I spit it all I feel momentarily better. But then I feel worse because I fell weak and non-masculine. I don’t want to use medication because my family would freak out and it seems just to give a momentarily relief, just like alcohol.
When I look my frustrated expectations and the expectations of others I feel that my life is a waste of time. It is very difficult to “swim against the tide” of society. I hear all the time “you should get a girlfriend”, “you should keep your job”, “you should go out more”. I just pretend to be normal everywhere. And I know that I am not alone. I ask myself how many persons that I know secretly are depressed but pretend to be okay.
8 comments
Are you sure you like women?
Why does everything always boil down to a question about what kind of damp hole you like you stick your genitals into? I swear, I will never understand western culture.
What are you on about. oh geez never mind forget it i already sense pointless contention
Like I said, for many years I thought that I was asexual. But then I met I girl that I really liked, and this proved to me that I am straight. The problem is that I really get attracted to a women personality and not necessarily her physical attributes. By the time I know I girl enough to start to like her, I am already in the friendzone. For example, for this particular girl that I loved, I lived with her for some time, so I could really get connected with her.
Yeah, that’s a classic gray-ace experience, there. Embrace it – if you aren’t letting yourself get frustrated by stifled expectations, you’ll eventually meet someone who is compatible with your relationship style. They do exist.
I know you say that not worrying about others’ expectations is easier said than done, and I completely agree, so I’m not going to simply say “ignore them and do what you want”. However, I will say that it seems like in every area of your life you focus *entirely* on what other people want, not allowing an opportunity to listen to your inner self. I’m not advocating selfishness, but rather encouraging you to allow who you truly are to blossom.
Focus on one thing at a time so you don’t feel so overwhelmed by all of these different things. For example, ask yourself what you would really like to be doing professionally and then start searching for a way to take a step in that direction.
We always glamorize and admire those people who are different or sensitive in some way, like great artists and writers or those who abandon their wealth to live a simple life of spirituality and introspection, but when we meet someone in real life who has a tendency to lean in those directions we belittle them for not conforming. When you think about it, we human beings are insecure no matter how confident we act. Otherwise, we wouldn’t feel threatened by someone who is different.
Oh, and in response to how many people are depressed but pretend to be ok – obviously I don’t know the actual percentage, but there are plenty of people out there who do that.
Well, I don’t want to change myself to be accepted by others but at the same time I can’t stop to worry about others expectations. I guess that I became too good at pretending to be happy that I don’t know how I will show to others that I am not okay.