A drop into the ocean

January 8th, 2017by mato42

Warning: it’s a wall of text.

So here I am, 25 years old, just months shy of my master’s degree that I am letting slip through my fingers for no other reason than a lack of motivation. I could have gotten it I think if I put more effort into it. I am not super intelligent but I think I had a fair shot. I got through 9 semesters after all. Sure I struggled but something pulled me through. Yet I don’t feel sad or depressed about it. I do feel scared, but somehow happy at the same time. Not overly enthusiastic, but content. My family doesn’t know it and will surely take it badly, but it won’t be out of the blue, either, all things about me considered. But why am I so easily getting over throwing away 5 (6 if I count my gap year) years of education? Sure I retain my bachelor’s degree, but that is of a very limited use, considering it’s from a law school and in here I need a master’s degree to do anything meaningful in this field besides delivering papers and organizing papers for a lawyer.

Maybe some still remember my breakdown before getting that bachelor’s degree in the first place. Damn, it’s already 2 years, yet it feels like it was just a couple of months ago at most. This school caused me enourmous amount stress. I hated it. I loved the sound of being called a lawyer, even if jokingly, but that was only because of the illusion of prestige. But that’s it, just an illusion. And as I continue to survive, I tend to care less about what others think, so the prestigious aspect is fading out, leaving me only with the idea of doing a job I am barely mediocre in, a job I have no real connection to. A better pay than in other fields, but not that much, especially with my attitude towards it. With immense responsibilities, not just financial or legal, but also moral and I hate responsibilites just as much as the next guy. The only real drive were the other people – expectations from family but also friends looking up to me.

There was something encouraging when my friends came to me with their small legal issues and I was able to help them out. It wasn’t anything special but it indeed made me feel special and a bit proud. They looked up to me and I helped them from what they saw as a dire situation. But if I dare to think that wasn’t pretentious of me then I would be a hypocrite, two things I hate so much about other people. It wasn’t anything worth bragging about and any feeling of pride, no matter how subtle and kept for myself wasn’t justified.

At my university, I was a strange student. There was once even moment where I was the only one getting a full score of all who did the test before me. And how I got it? It was a test from EU law and Iihad just failed some other test shortly before that. I hadn’t time to repeat if I had failed this one too. So for 3 days straight, I shut the door and memorized everything. That was my peak. From that point on, my grades kept falling until I ended up in that gap year and then by a stroke of luck I passed my state exams on my second try and to my surprise, I got bachelor’s degree. I messed up even when they were announcing the results. How I discovered whenever I am a bachelor or not? I had to find a small notebook put on a bench, list through it and look up a small letter – I got a D, the second worst grade but that was irrelevant. I had passed. My classmates “hated” me, because I kept passing seemingly effortlessly, over and over again.

So I kept on. Because why not? The state is paying for each year at a university up to the master’s degree or it’s equivalent for all under 26. The state doesn’t pay for any retries, though. There wasn’t anything to lose but time. Honestly I can’t say I tried and it’s strange that I got to the final semester at all. But I did. If I did put in effort at least now, I had a fair chance. Now it’s just about waiting for the formal announcement that I have failed. I can still try to finish the semester which I will try because why not but I won’t be allowed to go to the state exams, at least not now.

So why doesn’t the thought that in two months I will enter the job market with basically an empty slate? I got a quasi job offer for the same company that hired me before, but they were supposed to contact me for a new interview and it was only part time at a legal department, so you can see that it’s kind of irrelevant now even if they do contact me and were willing to hire me, as it’s a kind of a preparatory job for those who plan to be lawyers. They said that they needed me for February 1st, so there is still hope they’ll call and it will be interesting to see what will change upon them learning of my new condition if they do call. I am actually smirking right now. Strange, isn’t it? Maybe I am finally becoming insane. Smirking at the thought that I have ruined my odd chance to build a career in a well known international company that I could have boasted about. Me getting that offer in the first place was unbelievable. Kind of a miracle. Hence why I have doubts they wouldn’t have changed their minds about hiring me even if I didn’t drop out as contacting me in the first place must have been a mistake.

But I can’t say it’s all because of the particular choice of university. I have serious doubts that even if I went the route I wanted – to study to become a history teacher, that I would have fared considerably better. I don’t even dare to say that it would be easier, as I can’t talk myself out of history exam as I could of legal issues we were to solve at my university and while I may have at least enjoyed history classes, I would have suffered at pedagogic theories and such. I don’t like memorising. Ironic, isn’t it? A law student in his final year making such statement. A bit too late, one would say.

I wonder if the content I feel right now and if the smile I carry on along with my positive attitude is just a period on my emotional roller coaster or if it’s genuinely true. Becuase what if school is indeed the root of all my current problems? Just the very idea that I might be happier after breaking from this invisible prison is thrilling. Future will tell whenever my crash will be soft enough to get back on my feet. And perhaps if I changed my mind, I think I could still come back and finish the school, those last 2 years or maybe even just the last semester, depending on the mercy of the academics and on how many years would have passed.

I just hope this will work out in the end.

Just the thought that I don’t consider suicide as an option for me anymore looks promising. Let’s not jinx it.

The freedom. Maybe I could even finish my book and publish it. Now that is a thrilling idea. Or perhaps try to become a teacher after all.

How is it possible that I am standing in front of a train that is going to run me down and I don’t flinch? Maybe the light at the end of the tunnel is not a train that is rushing at me. Maybe it’s a better life out of the dark? I do feel afraid but kind of curious. Soon I may see if I get through this or not when the first fallout from my actions materialises.

I will try to keep you updated, but no promises. I don’t tend to post too often. I am more of a reader than a writer in this regard, as I often find that what I feel can be found in other’s words.

Sorry for this unnecessarily long post.

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