Alone and lost in darkness and self loathing

January 24th, 2017by Austexan

Saw a post similar to my own experience which drove me to share for the first time. Im in such a hole, but figured maybe getting (almost) everything out would help some so here goes..

Ive been of the rocks with my significant other of several years for the last several months because of a terrible drunken mistake I made. We were still living together and had started to get things back on track, though there were still several nights a week that she wouldn’t come home which wrecked me. I’d set my alarm for when she got off work, then every 30 minutes after, hoping she’d come home but more often she didnt. It hurt, but I blamed myself and hoped with time it would get better. I started to compensate by going out and drinking every chance I got, at least then I’d be blissfully asleep and not awake waiting… So a month ago I come home late, blacked out drunk, and she had actually come home that night. Apparently I started shouting terrible things at her and at one point stood up and slapped her, hard. I’m not an abusive person, I dont raise my voice to her, I always try to build her up not put her down, I dont push her or get physical.. but word has spread and now I’ve got this terrible stigma hanging over me that is impossible to overcome.. and I’ve lost the love of my life. And the worst thing is, I dont even remember doing any of it. Im filled with just soul-crushing self-loathing and regret. Ive always struggled with depression but mostly been able to keep a handle on it and she was really the light that helped push back the darkness, but my depression and the alcohol I turned to in order to cope with it has robbed me of her too. I remember lieing in bed one night next to her and thinking that I hadnt really felt depressed in almost a year, she had that profound a positive effect on my life. Ive always kind of distrusted happiness, maybe inwardly felt I wasnt good enough for it, and I wondered even at that moment how I was going to screw everything up, and the last several months have given me an answer I never thought possible. Her parents, who were like family to me, called to tell me what a piece of shit I am and to her friends I’ve become a complete person non grata. She has moved out and the power which was in her name got turned off the other day and I can’t even find the energy to make the call to turn it back on.  Things which used to occupy me no longer do, I’m barely skating by at work and I literally sleep every chance I get, alone in a dark apartment, because it’s the only time I’m sober and not just wracked with pain. Its not just losing her, though that hurts to an incredible degree, its the way my public perception has changed and the knowledge that I ruined something that amazingly made my illness tolerable. Recently I’ve spent a disturbing amount of time researching suicide. Ive read up on pretty much every method, read all kinds of other people’s notes, and I think I’m getting really close to actually following through. And the scary thing is, I dont think it’s going to be a gesture.. I’ve read enough to know what works and what doesnt, and the method I’ve chosen is fairly fool-proof. Im trying to fight back, Ive sought professional help but there’s always a roadblock. I read stories from other depressed people who made it through and it helps a little, but ultimately it all just hurts so much I don’t know if I’m going to be able to overcome it. The only thing that really puts my mind at ease in the midst of all this pain and anxiety is the thought that I can just end it and none of it will matter anymore. I’m trying to fight, Ive tried to help people around me all my life and I dont want my last act to be so totally selfish and hurtful to the people who love me the most, but I think I’m losing the battle. My life is in such disarray, I’ve dug such a deep hole and it just all hurts so damn much.

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