I have a son who’s barely 1 and a half, and a wife that I’ve been with for ten years now (married for ~3). I recently moved to a new state after my wife nearly left me when she had found out I had been emotionally cheating, which almost escalated to physically cheating. In her mind they’re one in the same. I might as well have fucked her. I was also addicted to cocaine. I used to climb radio towers for a WISP, which was probably the only thing left in my life that made me feel alive. I have put forth every bit of energy into my marriage to recover from this devastating blow that I brought onto myself. I now work a 9-5 at a service desk with zero windows in the office, stuck at my cubicle with nothing but my thoughts to keep me company. I have been in a major depression for as long as I can remember. I was diagnosed with clinical depression at the age of 14. I am now 27. Nobody reaches out to see how I’m doing, except my concerned parents of course. My wife and I constantly argue as I always find a way to put myself into a situation that results in me getting upset and leaving a party whenever we go drinking at her brother’s. Him and his wife also have quite a number of kids, which is the main reason as to why my wife moved into another state; to be closer to family.
I have embraced shitty dad jokes, I have overcome my fear of commitment to fatherhood, and I got myself a new job on my own merit in a brand new city. I still manage to find myself feeling completely isolated and utterly depressed during all hours of the day, thinking about suicide quite often. I do understand that suicide would be the most selfish thing to do for my son and wife. I do know that I don’t want to die, but I am just at odds within myself and my current state of being. It only drives guilt into my mind for even having these thoughts, which puts me deeper into depression. My wife tends to minimize my problems and chalks it up to me being a “Drama queen”, which only makes me think my feelings are not valid and I am simply ungrateful for my situation. More guilt. I feel like a whiny little emasculated ***** whenever I try to explain these feelings to my wife. There has been times where my wife flat out told me that she “doesn’t want to hear it”. Overall, I can’t blame her. She has been through Hell and back before meeting me. She worked for everything she has. She was never given anything from her parents and to be real, her parents were awful, abusive, neglectful people. Neither of them are in her life anymore.
And then I come along. I was/am a shit dad and husband. She pulled all the weight. I might’ve brought home the bacon but at the end of the day, she sacrificed her time, friends and sanity to get our family together and raise our son to the best of her ability. I feel so pathetic and weak minded when I think of how much she has accomplished, and then here I am dwelling on the past and my own actions that led us up to this point. Whenever we get into a very bad argument, my wife is quick to let me know how much she wishes I was not around, and I can’t help but think how better off she’d be without me. I feel as if I am just a grey cloud looming over my own family, regardless of how hard I try to be positive. I am a cynical, sarcastic drunk at parties who everybody refrains to talk to, and I know it. I have no friends and I kind of understand why. I fucking suck at being a friend. I am a shitty person. My wife jokingly tells me that she can’t bring me out in public and honestly, I don’t think she’s kidding anymore.
After all I have put her through, I continue to feel like a victim. I feel alone. I feel like I have nobody to turn to. I feel backed into a corner as I struggle to come to terms with the reality of my situation. I have a lot of up and down moments, where I’m on cloud 9 one day and in the depths of my own Hellish mind the next. I feel like after all the effort we both put into our relationship, filing divorce papers is right around the corner. I am holding on by a thread. I break down every other night when I am alone, and I am doing a great job at bottling everything inside. I resent myself. My life choices. My friends who were never there. It’s all my damn fault and I have nobody else to blame but me. I am not looking for sympathy. I am looking for help in how I can turn my goddamn thought process around. I am tired of being a prisoner of my own mind. I want to be a better person. I want to embrace myself, salvage my marriage and be a better father, husband and friend.
4 comments
The good news is you are aware of and taking responsibility for what you’ve done or haven’t done to get where you are today. That is HUGE! Now that you are aware of the issues you can work on tackling them. We all make mistakes and can’t change the past so, and I have to work on this myself, you can only look forward. You have to make the changes needed, start telling yourself that everyday and then start small.
It sounds like your depression could be chemical related mixed with environmental factors so some medication could help you with changing your thought process and help with turning to booze or drugs as a coping mechanism. Obviously a counselor would be good too. A good counselor can give you guidance in changing the thought processes and give you a healthier way to cope and teach you tools you can use in life….the key though is YOU doing the work….it’s got to come from you. Counselors aren’t magicians and there is no magic pill to fix what’s wrong in our lives…the real fix comes from within ourselves. Things will only ever have a real chance for change if you go about things differently. You have to forgive yourself first though for where you’ve gone wrong and then give yourself the chance for a new start,a clean slate to rebuild the bridges you have maybe burnt, the relationships with your wife, family and friends if you want those people in your life. Just be aware some damage is irrevocable and those you have wronged may not want to forgive you…they may not accept your olive branch, but you don’t have control over that so please don’t beat yourself up over it. Just move along and start fresh with new people.
The trick is to learn from your mistakes of the past so you don’t fall back into that rut and the thought process that comes with it. You seem like you really want things better with your wife, to be a better dad which I am thinking if she sees you being more committed to your child and overall family bond, she will eventually see and feel you are committed to her as well and maybe can forgive you the emotional cheating. That may be the really tough part to fix, that trust and betrayal issue with her, but I suspect there is more to the story there than just another woman….a breakdown within your marriage that led you to find solace in someone else. Whatever the case may be, I hope she is willing to give you and your marriage the chance it needs to get back on track. Marriage counseling could really be beneficial, even if she refuses to go together, you should go alone for it. It can’t hurt and can still help you.
It’s a new year, it can be different. Just be patient cause this is something that takes time to do and even the payoff might not be immediate but if you are serious about change there’s always going to be a chance you can make it happen. I hope you find the strength you need to get you through the task and to a happier existence for your sake but also your child’s sake. Good luck and let us know how you’re doing. 🙂
Thanks for your reply jadedjewel. You’re right that there has been quite a number of issues that led up to me searching for solace through another person. I think I was associating my wife with the idea of bad news, more stress and complaining. Rather than tending to her needs and finding ways to relieve her of her motherly duties, I took the easy way out and tried to find somebody else. I have a bit of a drinking problem, and it has come to a head over the holidays unfortunately. My wife and I are going down a very rocky road, and it’s all I can think about at work today. I hope I can come up with a different approach, as it is all too easy to fall back on how I used to operate since it’s all I know at this point. Breaking habits and routines is something I’m not very good at. I think I’ll reach out to a therapist/counsiler for my mental health. Thanks again for taking the time to read my post and replying…
No matter how awesome you think your wife is, it doesn’t mean you do not have a right to happiness or to get some help when you are feeling down.
You are very hard on yourself.
I think it is true that dumping all your worries in your partner can strain a relationship. On the other hand, you need to be able to be open and vulnerable with your significant other.
Congratulations on taking action by posting here. I would echo jadedjewel and advise that you hire a therapist you feel good about. You may have to shop around.
I think you need to take your loneliness seriously. It is a sign you are not getting your social needs met. Figure out what they are, and find a way to meet them. Just that should make you a lot happier.
Avoid booze at parties. If necessary, get help with that too.
I am reading a very good book called Toxic Parents. It may or may not apply to yours, but it might be enlightening regardless, because the author is a bright, experienced, straight-talking therapist. It has certainly got me thinking about my beliefs, feelings and behaviours.
I wish you the very best of luck. You sound like an amiable guy.
Thanks for your reply muspelhem. I agree with you in regards to my right to happiness. She feels I make mountains out of molehills, and my issues are trivial at best. I still am very hurt about the last BS scenario that transpired just on NYE. I fell asleep, woke up to my brother in-laws friend sitting on me and slapping me in the face. I stormed out and drove home. I asked my wife to come with me, as it was already 3AM. Our son was also sleeping over at my brother in-laws. She egged me on to go home, she even treated me like a child when I asked why she did not defend me when it happened. She also referred to the vehicle as “her car”, and how I’d better be there in the morning to pick her and our son up the next day. She feels as if I had abandoned my family by leaving, when I know I would’ve gotten really upset if I would’ve stayed. She says I caused a scene by leaving, and I somehow manage to put myself in situations that result in me having a bad time. Apparently it’s my fault for putting myself in that position for falling asleep on the couch. I am still hurt that my wife wasn’t really willing to hear me out, and I had to defend myself to my own wife in the process. She chalks it up to a joke, but getting slapped in the face by a woman you met that same night is far from a joke to me. I still stand by what I did, and if she wants to hold a car title over my head because I wasn’t going to be a target by sleeping then so be it. I think I will stop drinking, and I am still very upset at the situation. I can’t help but feel like nobody has my back, especially my own wife. If anything, I’m nothing more then a petty bother to her life. I really want to disappear at times like this. Over stupid shit too. It makes me feel like an embarrassment. I have absolutely no desire to visit my brother in-law because of what happened, and my wife likes to go there for drinks every weekend.