January 9th, 2017by 1FineDay
As much as I am in pain, suffering, know full well beyond any doubt that I will never be okay after what’s happened, as much as I want to die…
Embarrassing but true: As much as I want out, I am afraid. Afraid of failure. Afraid of the process. Afraid of what it will feel like. Afraid of pain. And finally, afraid of success. Oh my God, if there’s nothing after death then I guess I won’t know but what a waste of all that pain and struggle. If there is something after death then will it be worse or will I have messed up the grand plan? I need to gain conviction one way or another.
Either stop complaining about the shaking, the misery, the pain, the depression, the nightmares and somehow live with it
I will need to stop fearing death.
How to do this I don’t know. The pain is so extreme and will never change because of what has happened (emotional pain). So why am I so scared? What should I do? How can I stop being afraid of an afterlife that I know nothing of? And how can I stop being afraid of the suicide process? I need strength.
Maybe at some point the pain will overwhelm my fears, but it’s so intense I should be there already. May God have mercy and take me peacefully painlessly in my sleep asap