Andrew and I will be broken up for 10 months on February 5, 2017. Unfortunately, I’m still here. Im still depressed. And i still love him. All summer we didn’t communicate much besides telling him to pay the bills cause i was being notified that we were behind on payments.
The first weekend of October, i told him i was going up to visit my friends in San Francisco and if he could watch the dogs in a hotel room while i go out and I’ll buy him dinner. I hadn’t seen him for four months and i was so worried of how it would be when Id see him. The whole drive there i was thinking of scenarios that would happen, good and bad. A part of me just wanted to run and hug him because it felt like he just went away on vacation or something. But another part of me just wanted to act like i was better off without him. When I saw him, he didn’t really make eye contact with me, he just looked at our dogs and gave them attention. When we got in the room, i had to shower so i locked the door and got ready in there so he wouldn’t see me change. Then i opened the door so the steam could air out and i could do my make up in the mirror. He then came in and told me he had to shower. I told him i had to leave in 30 minutes and i wanted to finish doing my make up and he said thats fine. He started taking off his shirt, so i walked out and closed the door. I waited about 5 minutes and asked if he was in yet. Once he said yes, i continued doing my make up and just kept telling myself, dont forget what he did to you, dont forget how he left you, dont let him trick you. He wrapped a towel around himself and got out. I was doing my hair still and he put his hands on my waist to push me to get out of the way, but he wouldn’t let go after i moved. I looked at him in the mirror and said what are you doing? He kissed my head and said you look good. My heart was racing, i wanted to turn around and slap him but then i wanted to turn around and cry.
I turned around and looked at him, and he went in to kiss me. He started pushing me out of the bathroom to where the beds were. He pushed me on the bed and i said, no stop Andrew. Stop. And he kept trying to kiss me. I said Andrew, you need to stop, this isn’t fair to me. And he said what’s not fair, as he kept trying to kiss me. I said its not fair to me the way you ended things, then you dont talk to me all summer and whenever i had to call you to remind you to pay the bills, you were mean to me. And he stopped and said okay fine ill stop. I said really? Is this what you thought would happen after how things been between us? and he said i dont know. and i said Ive been trying to be strong and move on and then you do this to me, thats not fair to me. And he said okay thats good I’m sorry ill stop i don’t want to lead you on. I said whats wrong with you? You know how i feel about you, and you think you can just hook up with me and not talk to me anymore? If this is just a hook up to you, then dont do this to me. If it means something to you then yeah but not if your going to stop talking to me when i leave. And he said i dont wanna lead you on, just get ready its fine. And i walked back into the restroom SO upset. I bit my tongue and held in those tears. I wasn’t going to show him i was weak, i didnt want him to know i was going to cry. Once i was done getting ready i started putting on my boots. He just stared at me, and i said what? why are you looking at me like that? And he said you look really pretty, hurry up and leave so i dont have to stare anymore. And i stayed quiet for a few minutes as i started switching the stuff out of my purse, into my new one.
I then said, Do you even care about me? Have you even missed me? I dont understand why you are acting like this. And he said, acting like what? I said, you tried to have sex with me, you keep complimenting me but yet you dont wanna lead me on? What does that even mean? This isn’t fair to me. Ive been through hell for months and this is how you treat me when i see you after four months? Do you even know how i feel? What thoughts are going through my mind? No you dont.
He interrupted me and said, Im doing you a favor, thats all.
And i said ohhhhh so that means i give you sex in order to return the favor? You should be wanting to do me this favor because you get a place to sleep for free away from your dad and you get to spend time with our dogs that you haven’t seen in awhile! But you think because your just doing a favor for me, I will give into you?
And he said Its not even like that, just go i dont want to fight with you. Go have fun. I said have fun? After all this just happened? You dont even care or– He said you never even let me say anything! This has been hard for me too! I think about you all the time, of course i miss you savannah… I love you, Im always going to love you. Just go have fun, i dont wanna do this right now.
I said, Before i go… I need to ask you a question,. But i just need to know…….. can you ever see us get back together… not now, but in the future. He said, i dont know what will happen in the future but yes i can.
I said i need to ask this last question and you dont have to answer it now, you can sit here and think about it but why can’t we try and work on things without people knowing. Just between you and i. We see where things go from now till next year, no one will know and that way no one can interfere in our relationship. You know the reason we got to this point is because of your family getting involved in our relationship. If it doesn’t work then at least we tried. But if it does then we can figure out how you’ll tell your family. But that was only a suggestion. You dont have to respond. Im leaving now, I might just end up crashing with my friends so that way nothing else happens.
He said okay text me when you get there. You can come back tonight i can sleep on the floor.
I grabbed my purse, kiss the dogs bye, then was about to leave until he said, wait … i thought you were getting me dinner. I looked at him and laughed. I said I’m running late already! He said fine ill just starve.
I drove to get him food and i called him saying, come down to the front, i have your dinner. When he came, i rolled down the window and handed him the food. He looked at me and said thank you, Im going to think about it. And he walked away.
When i left that weekend, i thought things would change. I knew his birthday was three weeks away so i bought him a $400 watch from Fossil and tickets to a concert…….. Of course after that weekend, he stopped talking to me. I was pretty upset and felt like my wound was opened all over again. When his birthday came up i told him happy birthday even though i know i shouldn’t of. But if felt weird not too. I told him i got him tickets to a concert for the weekend after Thanksgiving and that it was in Oakland area so he could take whoever since I’m in LA. (I just wanted to see what he would say but in reality i wanted to resell them.) He said no i wanna go with you, buy your ticket to fly up here and ill get the hotel rooms.
I ended up getting my ticket and planned to go. My friends were pretty mad that i hadn’t learned my lesson and he is just using me cause he knows i’ll always be there.
Andrew got me from the airport and we went to the concert. We got along that weekend pretty well. I gave him the watch, he loved it. There was a little argument here and there but nothing big. He stopped talking to me again after that weekend. I was pretty hurt all over again.
I knew in the back of my mind that i need to stop talking to him and giving him the benefit of the doubt. I just love him so much and dont want to let go of what we had.