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Here and Now..

by falling_soup

I am having a panic attack- I really can’t think about anything else but the panic feelings, the helplessness and the tightening in my chest. My heart is beating what feels like a million miles a minute. I am freaking out. I am slowly falling apart and I can’t do this anymore.. I am on the verge of just.. falling off the face of the planet. Disappearing and not waking up. I don’t want to live anymore. I have been feeling so fucking manic and out of control. I have not been taking my psychiatric medicines and I don’t intend to really start taking them again. I feel better off with out them.. I have emergency anxiety attack medicine I could take but.. I don’t really see much point in that.. I need out. I don’t know how much longer I really want to keep trying,I have no desire to be alive or to keep on trying to battle the demons in my head. I am suicidal right now – that’s a given. I don’t want help-I don’t want to feel better or be here anymore- I just want to close my eyes and take my last breath. I am going to let my depression, bipolar and anxiety win this time. I don’t care, I just need to not be here anymore. I am not sure what method I am going to try or how I will successfully end my life- I will say goodbye one last time.. I am not wanting to do this anymore- The emotional pain and suffering I am feeling has reached its boiling point with me- I am broken and can’t be fixed- I fuck everything up and make everything worse. I can’t even successfully have a relationship with anyone – Romantic or Platonic. I have no desire to do this.. I will update as needed..

Until the last time-

Love Always,

Falling_Soup.

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6 comments

Woody 1/10/2017 - 2:54 pm

My heart’s been like that for the past few months.

1FineDay 1/10/2017 - 3:12 pm

Hi Woidy I replied to you in the Confession thread not sure if you got it

Hi Falling Soup, maybe you haven’t given life enough time for all this to sort itself out? Maybe it will get better for you with time? Schedule your therapist and see what she advises maybe? May God be with You

1FineDay 1/10/2017 - 3:13 pm

Typo: Hi Woody I replied to you in the concession thread I’m not sure if you got it

Riff Raff 1/10/2017 - 6:09 pm

OK, listen to me. I have been where you are several times in life. with such high anxiety I felt like I was going to have a heart attack and in my mania feelings like that I tried to end my life.
well it did not work out. I wound up hospitalized and in a psych ward each time. Now for me there were events in my life that lead up to that point. Like people were harassing me over issues in my life or accusing me of things I am not guilty of and causing me social pain and trauma over it.
So well.. what I am trying to convey to you is that there probably is something in your life that is causing the anxiety and the mania feelings. You need to try and pinpoint what it maybe and deal with it accordingly. Did you get caught doing something you should not have? Are there people talking badly about you or accusing you of bad things? did you get yourself into trouble and its so deep the anxiety is getting thick? are there people hurting you with criticism or bullying you or laughing at you for some issue in your life?? It could be something else also… like maybe somebody abused you as a child and now memory of it is coming back to you.
I know there maybe something. or maybe its fear of the future or fear of failure or some other big bad issue. Try to think about it… and if something happened to you that is embarrassing to talk about publicly then you can talk to me about it privately. My email is rushfan2017(at)yandex

Now I have to say that YES, if the meds do not help you then do not take them. Doctors automatically get meds to people because they are paid to push them on people and taught that anybody with anxiety or depression needs to be on them… but my opinion is that they are not for everybody. in fact I think that some meds cause people to lose their minds and go off the handle. so if they are not right with you then dont take them.

Now I have to say you need to find a safe place to be… some place where you feel safe and can think about the issues in your life. Then you need to come up with a plan and the plan should not include harming yourself or trying to end your life. Your plan should be to think through what is going on in your life and what is causing you to have high anxiety and mania.
If there are abusive people in your life > get away from them
if people are spreading gossip about you or being mean to you > then get away and find a safe place to be. You can recover from this.

I also want to let you know that usually sudden suicide attempts do not work

like if you have mania and just try to do some harmful thing to yourself you probably wont die but might wind up messing up your life and make things worse.

So try to get to a safe place and calm down for a while and sort things out .
if you have been doing drugs or any mind altering thing then stop it and
try to get sober.

also you might need to talk to somebody you can confide in
you can email me if you like

mato42 1/10/2017 - 6:16 pm

This will sound like an old track since you must have heard it many times already but it indeed did help me in the past several times.

I slowly inhale as I count to 5, then slowly exhale while counting to 5. Repeating this for few times and I can soon feel my heart returning to a more normal pace. The sooner I start after the panic attack starts to escalate the quicker it works. And as my heart stops racing so much my anxiety tends to easen up.

I used this just few hours ago.

This is not any ultimate solution but it can help to clear mind and can make it a bit easier to make decisions.

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