I wasn’t sure whether or not I wanted to post this on SP, but whatever, I’ll just post it.
It’s about my “suicide” attempt from yesterday, but I don’t even know if this counts as a suicide attempt.
I’ll let you guys/girls decide if this was a suicide attempt or not.
- This is how my day went
The first thing I thought when I opened my eyes yesterday morning was “I want to die” and the second thing was “I don’t want get out of bed and go back to this shitty world.”
I spent the next 4 hours searching for a good suicide method on the internet and I also gamed a bit with a friend. I couldn’t find any good methods though, so I decided to just go with my 1st plan. That plan was to stab myself in the heart or neck with a kitchen knife.
(Most sites I found were all “anti”- suicide sites trying to stop me.)
I decided to drink some tea and eat some cookies before I was going to kill myself. (My favorite cookies and tea) The tea and cookies were really delicious. Seriously, they were really delicious. I felt ready to kill myself after that, so I grabbed  our kitchen knife from the drawer.
My first attempt failed, I stopped before I could even come close to killing myself. Â I felt a little bit nervous, so I watched a YouTube video to calm down.
My second went a little bit smoother than my first. I didn’t feel nervous anymore and I was getting closer
I stared at the knife for a while. Realising that I was finally going to do it, that I could finally die. I also felt a bit of happiness.
I made myself ready for my third attempt.
The third attempt went a lot smoother than the other two, but I stopped when the knife touched my skin.
I was getting closer to actually doing it, so I thought that the fourth attempt will be succesful.
But that’s when my sister came home. I had to hide the knife. She didn’t see anything, so I was really lucky yesterday.
I hate myself now though. Why couldn’t I kill myself? Why did I stop when it touched my skin?
I wasn’t scared. I wanted to die, and I even felt happy knowing that I could finally die.
Sigh.
Well, at least I now know that this method won’t to the job, so I guess I’ll do it with some pills next time instead of this method.
Oh btw, I don’t regret trying this, but was this even a suicide attempt? It doesn’t feel like one lol. I did want to die, but I couldn’t kill myself in the end.
Greets Kur0-Nek0
20 comments
It takes guts to stab yourself in the heart. Guts like those of a martyr. You have to believe 100% in what you’re doing…
I couldn’t even cut past my skin and it already hurt.
Cutting is not a viable option for me, though eyeing a sharp knife occasionally does satisfy that imagination of the internal wish to die.
Redandpurple
It seems that I don’t have the guts of a martyr >.<
You aren't a cutter?
Good.
Keep it like that.
Once you start cutting, there is no way back.
Greets Kur0-Nek0
Stabbing yourself takes some intense bravery so I applaud you for even getting that far. I tried the pills method to the tune of almost 140 of them at once and that did not kill me. He showing up could be a sign but I kind of do not believe in that stuff.
Maybe it was your body and mind telling you to find a less painful and more sure way of killing yourself.
Whatever you decide I will help you in anyway I can and I hope you find peace and the solution you are looking for.
@MissingMy3Hearts21921
So pills won’t do the job either?
Sigh
Suicide sure isn’t something easy to do..
Thanks for your offer, but I think that’s my job to do that.
Besides that, I don’t want others to be invloved with my suicide attempts.
But I do really appreciate your offer.
Greets Kur0-Nek0
IT depends on the pills and if your body can take them or shut you completely down. I have seen some die from them and others not die. IT depends on the body.
No suicide is definitely not easy. Body has way too many survival mechanisms in place. I think you are looking at something more gruesome or hoping to get a hold of a firearm but even those are not fool proof and I do not want to get in trouble for posting methods here but I am not really saying anything that is not common knowledge anyway.
I meant helping you with emotional support. Making sure that whatever decision you make you are comfortable with. Just emotional backing is what I meant.
I see, so it depends on the person’s body and what kind of pills you taked huh?
Firearms are illegal here, so getting one will be hard.
And the things you’re saying are only common methods.
Everyone could come up with these methods, even without the internet.
So I don’t think you’ll get in trouble.
Oh okay, Sorry that I misunderstood you.
Well, you can help me whenever you want, and I’m also willing to listen to you too. (If you need it ofcourse)
Firearms are illegal here but easy to get off the internet. I also meant that discussing suicide methods on this board is a big no no from what they keep telling me so that is what I meant by that. I just want you to know you are not alone and I am wanting out of here and hopefully tonight is the night as I have put this off for far too long. Finish making this little video and I am good to go after the game.
I’m under 18 and I don’t have the money to buy a gun.
So I don’t think that buying a gun is an option for me.
Mhh, so you’re going to kill yourself tonight huh?
I’ve read your posts and I know that I’ve no right to ask this, but do you really think that doing suicide is the right option?
I know that I shouldn’t ask something like this.
I mean, I also tried to do suicide yesterday.
So sorry for asking.
Anyways, I’ll be sad if you do kill yourself, but I hope that you’ll be able to find peace if you do decide to do it.
Greets Kur0-Nek0
Hi Kur0-Nek0,
I’m sorry that hear that you have come to the point yesterday where you did a suicide attempt. How are you feeling today? Are you feeling any better?
Do you know what would have happened if your sister didn’t came home? How was your day after that? After she came home?
In your previous posts you said that you were going to talk to a psychiatrist, is this still the case? Or have you already done it? If not, then maybe it’s time for you to do so?
I’m sorry for my many questions, I’m just trying to figure out what’s all going on in your head. Because it’s not right for a seventeen year old to feel like this.
I really hope you find peace and joy again, soon, very soon.
Greets
Noname_x
I’m feeling the same as usual, so yes I’m feeling better than yesterday.
But not better than most other days.
I don’t know.
I might have killed myself.
I might have stabbed myself, but not deep enough to actually kill myself.
Or I might have done nothing
I felt weird yesterday, like I was ready to die that day.
That’s all I can say because I don’t know what would have happened if she didn’t come home.
My day was the same as it was before.
I still felt like shit and ready to die, but I was also kinda in shock lol.
Not because I could have died, but because my sister came home.
She doesn’t know about me being suicidal or depressed, so I don’t know what I would have said if she found out what I was trying to do.
Yes, I am still going to do the psychiatrist thing, but I’ll have to wait until the 6th of march.
Don’t worry about the questions lol.
Thanks for reading
Greets Kur0-Nek0
Kur0-Nek0,
Lol, I can understand that you were in shock after that.
Good that today is better than yesterday, even if it’s just a little better, it’s the way to being happy again.
And maybe she knows, probably not that you are suicidel but that you are depressed. When I was depressed I didn’t tell anyone, and after months and months I had the courage to tell my older brother and he said that he knew the whole time. But he said that it wasn’t his place to disuss it with me, that he never asked me about it because he didn’t wanted me to feel uncomfortable. That he just waited for me ’till I had found the courage to tell him. He didn’t know that I was suicidel, but he knew that the depression was serious and that I didn’t made it just up to seek attention. So maybe your sister knows, or maybe not. I don’t know. This is just how it was in my situation.
Maybe you should consider to tell her? Because if you still live together and have lived together all those years, then she probably have been through a lot of the same things that you have been through. I don’t know ofcourse because I don’t know exactly what you have been through, i’m just guessing.
That’s good that you’re going to the psychiatrist. I really hope it will help you.
your welcome, i will try to help as much as i can from behind this computer lol.
Greets
@noname_x
I don’t know if she knows about my depression.
I don’t think anyone knows.
Well, I did tell some of my friends about it, but they think that I’m not really depressed and that I just WANT to be depressed.
Lol yeah right, who tf wants to be depressed anyways?
It’s not something you choice.
I have no intentions of telling her.
I don’t feel the need to do that.
And yes, we have gone through some things together, but not everything.
Let’s say that it’s 40/60
40 = the things we have both gone through
60 = The things that only I have gone through
I think that you can be proud of yourself for being able to tell your brother about your problems.
And thank you for always trying to help me.
You look like a really nice person. 🙂
Greets Kur0-Nek0
Hey how’s it going hope your feeling better today. Yeah stabbing yourself takes balls even I don’t have the balls to do that I’ve done a deep cut not in the chest area at my forearm it was soo deep and I had some to drink the experience was awful took three months for the scab to clear it has been black/blue ever since. I could had bleed out but I didn’t want to pass out at home it wouldn’t be fair to my family long black sleeve shirts is what I had to wear in the summer. It’s OK if you failed I’m glad your OK and I hope your doing better my friend
I’m doing okay-ish
How are you doing?
I don’t have deep cuts, they’re all small and undeep cuts.
They heal faster lol.
I have around 20 cuts on my arm right now.
I know that cutting isn’t good,but I’m addicted to it.
Oh, I always wear long sleeved shirts during summer, and I didn’t cut back than.
I only wore shirts with short sleeves when it was extremely hot.
I failed this time, but I’ll make proper preparations for my next attempt.
Greets Kur0-Nek0
stabbing yourself is tough to do. i know personally i wouldnt have the guts to do it. its also not guaranteed an immediate death, it could be long and painful. it counts as an attempt though, the intention was there. i really hope youre doing better today. if you ever need to talk were always here 🙂 really though, i hope you take care. just by your posts we seem to have alot in common, i would hate to see you go. at least you had your tea and cookies yesterday.. hey.. if those are things that bring you even the tiniest bit of joy why not have them every day? sometimes its the little things that count. even if they dont solve the issue at hand, its one small moment out of your day that is better than the rest. its the little things, its baby steps. take care my friend, and i really hope your doing better
I’m doing a little bit better today.
How are you doing?
So we have a lot in common huh?
I don’t see people that often who have a lot in common with me lol.
It’s always sad to see someone go, but that’s life.
I’m not gonna try it again for a while though, so maybe my life will get a little bit better in that time. But I doubt that.
Small things do indeed help, but there have been a lot more negative things than positive things lately. So even these small things don’t do that much anymore.
Greets Kur0-Nek0
im not doing very well at all to be honest. but im glad youre doing better. and well for starts were the same age. but the way you feel, and some of your SP are really relate-able to me.
and youre right, in the end we all have to die at somepoint, but its better to die happy knowing you have a fulfilling life than sad. just try and hang in there, from one incredibly suicidal person to the next.
and maybe the negative things outweigh the positive ones, but doing something out of your day thats less shitty than the rest can sometimes help. it can just take your mind off things for a bit you know?
anyway, take care
Do you mind telling me why you’re not doing that well?
I’m doing my best, but yeah, life isn’t that easy :/
That’s true, but the negative things make it bad again.
Even if these little things made my day a little better.
But yeah, they do help a little bit.
Oh btw, you can talk to me if you ever need someone to talk to 🙂
I don’t mind giving you my email or something else.
I mean, it’s better to talk to someone after having a terrible day.
I’m alone too most of the time.
Most people don’t really care about my problems (except the people on SP ofcourse).
Greets Kur0-Nek0
ill email you 🙂
Ok
My email is TalkToMeNeko(at)hotmail.com