I am not denying the fact that life is beautiful. That there is so much in life that’s worth staying here for.
But, I do not feel like I belong here. This isn’t where I’m supposed to be.
I don’t want to die because I’m depressed or ungrateful for this life on Earth. But, it’s just that I feel off being in this existence.
Realization have changed my perspective on many things.
There’s so much going on in my mind that words can never express. So many things that I am that cannot be expressed. I feel so constricted in this physical reality, physical body. I probably sound like I’ve lost my mind, like I’ve gone crazy. But, it’s truly how I feel. I’m so easily misunderstood because of my inability to express myself.
Sometimes, I still want to experience life because 18 years of living isn’t even all that much. I’m aware of this. I want to be able to feel and do all the things I can before I leave but I am tired. My future is never definite. I cannot tell how it will be. Life is a fucking *****. I’m afraid of fucking up, I’m afraid of disappointing my parents and the people I care about.
This exhaustion I feel from trying to continue to see what the future holds for me is too much. Too much for a human being to handle.
The thought of nothing will matter anymore once I’m gone from here brings me such a peaceful comfort.
I am thankful for all the knowledge and experiences I’ve had. But this isn’t where I belong.
I do not want the people I care for feel sad once I’m gone. However, it is such a human thing to feel, so it is okay. As long as they read the letters I wrote for them and know that I am happier and free wherever I go.
7 comments
I want you to know you’re not alone. This is exactly how I feel, like you took the words straight from my mind too. I am also 18 and I often feel crazy thinking this way. It makes so much sense and it’s hard to understand why other people don’t see it this way too. I almost feel like depressed people have this filter where we see all the truth and the horrible things in this world and normal people choose not to. It’s not like we can’t see the good too, everything else is just so overwhelmingly negative, it doesn’t seem worth it. I did have a period where the veil lifted and I felt really truly happy and not depressed, it lasted a summer and I’ve relapsed now, but I want you to know there can be hope. And I hope you the best in finding a way to be happy and fulfilled in life.
It’s comforting to hear that you feel the same way. I, too, had a period of my life where I thought I was finally happy. That these suicidal thoughts and tendencies of mine have completely left me. It felt weird but I felt good. I really thought that they wouldn’t come back because of how good I felt. But, of course. As always, they always return. It was stupid of me to think that I would no longer feel that way. However, my reasons as to why I want to end my life has changed. I just want to leave this body. Wander endlessly as an egoless soul.
I hope you’re doing okay, though. If you’d like, we can become friends. ?
I’m doing good today, I hope you are too. Of course we can be friends 🙂 I play on steam a lot, so if you’re interested you can add me on there. If not we can find another way to talk.
I’m sorry I took so long to reply, I just saw this. I don’t play steam, haha. Uhm, I can add you somewhere else, if you’d like. But I’m not sure how you message people privately on here.
Life is messed up, Why we here? what’s my purpose? and so on, really we are all so insignificant to the big picture it’s funny! we are here for one purpose to try to survive then die, ha ha! Best not to make it harder by thinking about it, enjoy the things you like while your here, that’s really our mission.
To try to survive then die. Quite sad when there’s so much beauty around us yet from the moment we are born we are programmed to try to survive and then, we die.
Very touching and insightful- although much older I can fully relate to your feelings.
I wish you well, wherever you are.