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If we all felt loved, would we still want to die?

by beautifulsinner

if we all felt love would we still want to die? would we still have the “i dont give a fuck” attitude? if we lived in a perfect world, where everyone was kind, supportive and loving, would suicide rates go down?

this is something i wonder. i wonder about it alot actually, usually in the context of myself. if i felt like people truly cared and loved me, would it make enduring the pain of my illness easier? would things get better? i dont know. but i wonder.

i sometimes also wonder if my hospitalisation has had an impact on my boyfriend. ive tried to be as “happy” (or fake as some might call it) around him because i know its hard dealing with someone whos depressed and anxious. i feel like a burden. not only to him, but to everyone. so i plaster on the fake smile and hide the hurt inside. i let people push me around do what they want to me because showing how i really feel makes me vulnerable, and thats something im afraid of.

maybe my incapability to open up to people is what affects my relationships. but everytime i open up, and show someone the side of me that i hide every day, i get hurt. it comes back and it bites me in the ass. hard.

things are looking better for me, im not going to lie. but i feel as if theres an anchor tied to my ankle and something is weighing me down making me feel hopeless even when things are looking brighter. and i have a strong feeling that anchor is my boyfriend.

i thought he was different, and that we loved eachother. hes the first guy ive fully opened up to and let myself be vulnerable with, all because i thought he was different. and now here i am, feeling like ive been bit in the ass because it hurts when he ignores my texts. because it hurts how when i dont initiate dates or conversations we dont talk. because it hurts when i feel him being distant with me. because it hurts when i could in a heartbeat identify him as a trigger for my anxiety. the obvious choice would be to break up, of course. but how could i do that when i know that im in love with him. how can i do that when the first time i was suicidal he helped me get the help i needed. even though, through all weve been through, i still sit here wondering if he really loves me. if i even matter anymore. and thats where i ask myself, if i felt loved by him, by my friends, by my peers at school, maybe the suffering would hurt a little less. maybe i would have something concrete to hold on to, something to show me that i am valued in the world. something that helps me push past the suicidal idealisation because i wouldnt want to crush the people who love me. because i would have people who could support me when the going gets rough, and when i just need a friend to go get coffee with me to help me calm down when my anxiety hits me like a truck. maybe then, i wouldnt feel so alone in this world.

so i ask again, if we all felt love,would we still want to die?

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mellowmoods 1/27/2017 - 8:37 pm

If I had someone that loved and supported me I would not think of suicide .. I only started thinking about ending my life when I lost everything including my friends . The loneliness is breaking me now ..

beautifulsinner 1/27/2017 - 9:21 pm

and thats why i wonder if i felt like people were truly there for me, and cared about me, maybe i wouldnt feel like killing myself. maybe that would take the edge off my depression. cause i agree, it is the loneliness that breaks you. i have lots of “friends” but not true ones. no one whos really “there”

_darkness 1/27/2017 - 9:22 pm

Same here. The lonliness + the despair.

The Last Snorlax 1/27/2017 - 9:00 pm

ahh, l’amour…

i think it’s/can be different for all… so many causes that can lead to feeling and thinking like this

I know for certain I was loved, once upon a december. Just like I know for certain I loved her with all my heart as i possibly could, be it enough or not.
and while it was one of the good moments in the Sweet misery they call Life, despite the beauty of it, I still had my downs, like something more was chained to my legs, trying to pull me under…

I do think Love gave me that last tiny bit of strength back then I needed to hold on though, but even if just faint, the desire to let go wasn’t completely void from my mind… That spurious friend, like an extra personal shadow, always by my side

beautifulsinner 1/27/2017 - 9:27 pm

youre right, theres so many other factors that can make us feel miserable. and i agree, love wouldnt make our problems go away, but it would help us hold on. it would give us something to help us get through the ups and downs of live, always knowing that were never alone and we’ll always have someone to support us through the rough patches

wanted85 1/27/2017 - 9:04 pm

Yes and no. This is a hard thing to process I have a friend who is so supportive of me I can go to her with anything except my suicidal thoughts cause I know it will upset her. I am in the same boat with my bf we were great i opened up to him he knows my fears my inner most demons yet after a year and a half he is distant and all my anxiety and suicidal thoughts have come back when he loved me I was ok I still had the achore on my ankle but I was loved it was ok in the past month or so tho he has been distant and I know he doesn’t love me how he did he says it’s him not me but that part of me still knows it’s me. So yes if you have someone who loves you it is better but when that persons feelings change all the pain and anxiety comes back and it’s hard. I’m sorry you’re going thru this I know it sucks and things won’t ever be100% better but if you find someone who accepts you and your depression it does help

beautifulsinner 1/27/2017 - 9:30 pm

it is hard, i find its hard to find people who you can really talk about suicide with. some dont get it, others it upsets. so its hard finding the perfect balance. and thats exactly how i feel with my boyfriend, hes being distant and claims its not me but i do know it is. its hard to accept the fact some people just cant handle it, and were left here alone

chipt162 1/27/2017 - 9:22 pm

I’ve wondered that a lot myself. I’ve come to the realization, however, that the root of most of my issues stem from a lack of self love, and apparently, that’s necessary to experience love with another human. I believe the answer to your question is a resounding yes, based on my own experience, but to feel the love you ask about requires feeling it for yourself first. Easier said than done. I’ve learned to love my pets, and by my estimation, what I feel for them is pretty damn close to what “normal ” people feel for each other when they are in love. I would like to feel what I feel for my pets for another human, but alas. . . At least through them, I can say I will have learned what love feels like in this life. Are you able to love yourself? Might it all begin there?

beautifulsinner 1/27/2017 - 9:35 pm

prehaps youre right, maybe the first thing we need in order to love and be loved, is to love ourself. in my situation, im always critical of myself. i dont like the person ive become. and maybe that is the problem, that im incapable of seeing the positive attributes that people like about me. maybe its because im incapable of seeing why someone could love me and thats why i dont feel love at all

sadlife958 1/27/2017 - 9:46 pm

No I wouldn’t be suicidal and my yesterday’s sp wouldn’t have existed either

jadedjewel 1/27/2017 - 11:54 pm

Well it hasn’t mattered for many people… they’ve still gone on and committed suicide so I guess it depends on the person.

a1957 3/8/2017 - 8:53 pm

It’s been a while since you posted this. It was a great question and I am surprised I did not respond to it right away. I get this question. Better late than never right?
I can answer this question with considerable conviction. Myself and another family member are both loved dearly and are still suicidal. Love is love, Pain is pain. No matter how much you are loved, the events that put the pain in you are still hard at work. Sadly, she, I, and I am certain millions of others pursue getting loved in the belief that it will end our pain. Just not so.
What being loved actually does when you have suicidal pain is it traps you in your miserable life because of you have in effect obligated yourself to others, become attached to them and so on.
Being in loving relationship, when you are suicidal, is hell on your partner (or whomever) but a “safety factor” as the shrinks say. You can wind up hating life but feeling trapped into staying alive . This has been my experience. I hope this helped.

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