if we all felt love would we still want to die? would we still have the “i dont give a fuck” attitude? if we lived in a perfect world, where everyone was kind, supportive and loving, would suicide rates go down?
this is something i wonder. i wonder about it alot actually, usually in the context of myself. if i felt like people truly cared and loved me, would it make enduring the pain of my illness easier? would things get better? i dont know. but i wonder.
i sometimes also wonder if my hospitalisation has had an impact on my boyfriend. ive tried to be as “happy” (or fake as some might call it) around him because i know its hard dealing with someone whos depressed and anxious. i feel like a burden. not only to him, but to everyone. so i plaster on the fake smile and hide the hurt inside. i let people push me around do what they want to me because showing how i really feel makes me vulnerable, and thats something im afraid of.
maybe my incapability to open up to people is what affects my relationships. but everytime i open up, and show someone the side of me that i hide every day, i get hurt. it comes back and it bites me in the ass. hard.
things are looking better for me, im not going to lie. but i feel as if theres an anchor tied to my ankle and something is weighing me down making me feel hopeless even when things are looking brighter. and i have a strong feeling that anchor is my boyfriend.
i thought he was different, and that we loved eachother. hes the first guy ive fully opened up to and let myself be vulnerable with, all because i thought he was different. and now here i am, feeling like ive been bit in the ass because it hurts when he ignores my texts. because it hurts how when i dont initiate dates or conversations we dont talk. because it hurts when i feel him being distant with me. because it hurts when i could in a heartbeat identify him as a trigger for my anxiety. the obvious choice would be to break up, of course. but how could i do that when i know that im in love with him. how can i do that when the first time i was suicidal he helped me get the help i needed. even though, through all weve been through, i still sit here wondering if he really loves me. if i even matter anymore. and thats where i ask myself, if i felt loved by him, by my friends, by my peers at school, maybe the suffering would hurt a little less. maybe i would have something concrete to hold on to, something to show me that i am valued in the world. something that helps me push past the suicidal idealisation because i wouldnt want to crush the people who love me. because i would have people who could support me when the going gets rough, and when i just need a friend to go get coffee with me to help me calm down when my anxiety hits me like a truck. maybe then, i wouldnt feel so alone in this world.
so i ask again, if we all felt love,would we still want to die?