Not at my best..
Even if I am not at my worst..
Slight noise is deafening..
Sounds of chatter blast my eardrums..
It is nerve racking..
I am overly anxious..
Even though I am never calm..
My heart pounds as if it’s trying to break free..
It’s a wonder people around me are able to converse without hearing it..
My hands shake while I write..
I have to hold my pen tight..
And even then its still a fight..
30 comments
I feel the same
The shaking is awful
The pulling at the heart
The pain
I never understood this when I heard about other people feeling “anxiety”
I just thought they were weak minded
This is very physical though
It’s both mental and physical
1Fineday..
Its always reassuring when someone understands the pain..
And it is both mental and physical, never just one or the other..
I have decided to go in a painless manner..
2 months max..
God I wish I could too
My Mom and Husband force me to stay and I fear he’ll if I cause them pain by departing
But they don’t understand the pain I feel
Just as I didn’t understand the pain my beloved one felt before he tragically left. Now I am here facing pain that is unbearable. And that very pain is a reminder of what I couldn’t understand my beloved one was experiencing all those years. What I turned a blind eye to. What I could not relate to. I so deserve this world so N but it is unbearable. It’s as though the pain of life torch was passed to me when he left this world.
I have business to take care of to tidy up what he left behind as well as what I will leave. Then I have my Mom and husband l. He doesn’t want me to depart and yet each second each breath becomes harder for me.
May God have mercy and take me naturally before too long.
My heart is with you and so is my love ‘Thislifewasnotmeant4me’
Also, if God doesn’t show mercy on me and I depart myself, I want it to be painless. I’m not sure what to do to achieve that but hopefully I will discover it.
Thankful for your words..
They bring me to tears..
‘The pain of life torch’ is something I understand
The loss of a beloved?.A lost love may I ask?
My heart is with you too..
I am currently researching Exit Bag..
Painless and quick they say..
I figured… with the typo..
I am on a tablet so it happens to me all the time..
Typo: I meant I fear hell
i will write back when I’m alone shortly
In the meantime, and if you’re in the mood and don’t mind, can you tell me your story?
My Beloved one is the most kind hearted, generous, loving, sensitive, beautiful person I’ve ever known. If a stranger complimented him for something he would give it to them, even if it was all he had. My Brother, my sweet sweet sweetest baby Brother, who endured so much abuse from my mother and so many other heinous things brought his way from this heartless world. I saw him the day he arrived home after being born at the hospital. And I was his big sister so I was supposed to protect them from this world. He left here just over four months ago at the age of 35. Every part is so tragic that it crushes my soul. He once texted me saying that all of his good memories in life or because of me. And that he was so thankful to me. I cannot live without him
Typo: I was supposed to protect him from this world
Typo: were because of me
I’m not sure how much we can say without being knocked off here regarding the means to our respective ends. I will say I have looked into that method you mention as well as options abroad where euthanasia is legal.
Such tragedy will make one lose the will to go on..
I am thankful i’ve never had to endure such a loss..
Do his cherished words offer you any comfort?.. They are profound..
I guess its second nature for an older sister to feel as though she failed her ‘protector role’ after such an event..
I am one too.
I hope you find peace in knowing that now he can be truly happy and at one with this world..
And i hope that the grief will subside even if only for a moment for you 1Fine Day…
Thank You so much sweet ‘thislifewasnotmeantforme’
He and I are one and i can’t wait til I’m with him
I wish you would tell me some of your story. Is it too difficult to say?
Thank You so much sweet ‘thislifewasnotmeantforme’
He and I are one and i can’t wait til I’m with him
I wish you would tell me some of your story. Is it too difficult to say?
I sent a membership fee oversees to one of the legal places but they disappeared on me. I’m not sure if it’s due to the holidays or if it’s because they are not real. I know of one that is definitely real so I will contact them next if I don’t hear back soon.
Do you find any peaceful or rather less anguishing moments ever?
Thank you so much for writing me. If I’m too annoying or inquisitive I apologize just ignore me
Love to you
I have to say this
I don’t know you
But I feel your heart and your beauty
And it makes me cry thinking that you may not be here in two months
His words cut me
He had so little pleasure in life mostly pain
I could have helped him more
I’ll tell you more someday
I would love to hear more about him..
And how you managed to keep him for all those years knowing what his earliest memories were…I’m crying for you 1FineDay, I cry for your broken soul.
My broken wings will spread when my day comes.. I’ll soar and relish the feeling of being free..
I wonder if this is how he felt..
Thank You so much
I hope
I really hope so
I had some dreams he wasn’t so happy though
I worry oh God it’s too painful to exist
1FineDay.. My story is a long winded tale..
I don’t remember ever feeling comfortable with my place in this world..
I never felt a sense of belonging, even with my family..
I suffered a huge amount of trauma during my early childhood which set off a chain of events..Leaving College (you may call it High School)before my final year, years of drug addiction, abusive relationships etc among various other shitty things… I got clean three years ago .. Studied and have employment in the field I love.. .But i feel as though Im not cut out for this cut throat world.. .And after years of living with clouded judgement and basically living in a cloud coz thats how high i was, Im truly exhausted and the fight in me is running thin… So many thoughts and memories and emotions race to the surface when you live in real life and its fucking frightening..sorry..
This is just a peephole of my story..
I May expand and elaborate when im.. as you said ‘in the mood’
Thanks for saying that by the way..
I really appreciate people who say things like that.. ‘if youre in the mood’ or ‘if youre up for it’..
You know they really do understand when people add those types of phrases in their sentences.
Please excuse my grammar and punctuation.. what a
muddled mess
I’m almost certain I can access everything here.. God i hope so..
Am pretty sure you have to have a terminal illness to qualify for euthansia drugs even in countries where its legal although Im not certain on this..
And then theres the age thing.. some require identification before they’ll send you anything.. Minimum age 50..
I’ll be looooong gone before then..
Hello Friend,
I’m not sure you read my responses yesterday just wanted to send another in case you didn’t get them
Hi 1FineDay… I received yr responses.. I haven’t replied to those directly yet…
But I did read yr latest piece and left you some words there.. Glad to hear from you..
Ok good I’m glad you got them, thanks for letting me know
Oh yes but I may have found a place that doesn’t have the age restriction nor the terminal limitation.
You’re story crushes me. It reminds me of my Beloved. He told me that as far back as he could remember, his first memory, he was sad. Didn’t feel like he belonged here. He said if he had the choice even back to his earliest memory, he wouldn’t have chosen to have been born.
That must mean that you are an Angel like him. I’m so sorry for you Angel.
And I don’t know if my other message went through so I’ll write again:
I have to say this
I don’t know you
But I feel your heart and your beauty
And it makes me cry thinking that you may not be here in two months
Can you tell me if this place with no age restriction has a website??
I cried at the words at the end of this post..
But I cry at alot of things
And then… in the next minute .. I may have a giggle.. And then I’ll tear up shortly after that.
Im finding it awfully hard to sleep at the moment.. In the last 72 hours I’ve had under 7 hours sleep.. I’m hoping tonight that my mind will yield and let me rest..
Do I have any peaceful moments?
I actually can’t remember the last time I felt at peace with anything..
I may have to think about that and get back to you but I’d say it was probably when I was strung out.. That makes me sad.. Actually.. this may sound screwed up but I kinda feel at peace when I’m sad . Sadness isn’t that bad a feeling I reckon.. It’s better than being angry or bitter..
This is very awful of me but I feel that if I give you the info I will land in hell
I don’t blame you if you don’t want to speak with me anymore
I know I’m a hypocrite for wanting it and not helping you
I’m really sorry
But I’m afraid if hellish experience I could create in my afterlife if I hurt you with this information
Imagine that without the info, you fall in love with some guy you meet, and miraculously feel somewhat better,you have children, and you survive for them.
All without that info. Plus I’m not sure if they’re real because I sent in a fee and haven’t heard back from them. Please forgive me
For sleep I have NyQuil have you tried it?
It won’t let me reply to yr latest comment..
But it’s ok..I understand that we’re in control of our own journey.. It was actually unfair of me to ask you now that I think about it properly.. I didn’t realise it was the same site that you hadn’t heard back from..
That’s sweet of you to say.. I’ve never desired having children.. I wouldn’t want to risk the possibility of them seeing this world as I do..
I haven’t heard of NyQuil.. I took sleeping pills and other meds for nearly two years and I felt as though I was not living on my own body.. Like I was watching myself rather than being myself..
Thank You so much for your understanding.
NyQuil is just a liquid cold medicine
I understand that feeling of detachment, it is strange
I forgot to thank you for sharing your experience with me and your grammar is perfect