January 12th, 2017by Casino96
… Maybe I am getting worse. I remember when I used to think all the time about my own death voluntarily. I looked forward to it and fantasized over how to do it and how it would feel, how it would go, etc. I’m not really there again, but it feels like I might be headed there.
Nothing has purpose and I have nothing to look forward to.
Every night before I fall asleep I think about everything I’ll have to apologize for or fix because I was dumb enough to get stuck in the situation.
My whole existence as a person feels like repaying debts that both I and the recipient know I don’t owe. No one’s taking advantage of me, and I’m not even really doing that much. I just don’t want to disappoint of inconvenience people, and ironically that’s all I do.
I’m tearing myself apart and I’ve known it for years. I know that I’m going to take my own life because I know that at some point that’s all my emotions and conscience will let me do, and I’m ok with that. I wish it would all happen just at once at the end so I don’t have to spend all the time leading up to it in such a state of nothingness.