How do you end up stopping yourself or talking yourself out of it? Meaning, I have been wanting to go for so very long and each time I set a date or time I somehow manage to talk myself out of it or make up an excuse for another time.
I keep wondering why it is just so hard to go ahead and get it over with. It is almost as painful as just living and I have an almost sure fire way to make sure it works.
I am hoping that was not too confusing.
12 comments
It probably means that you don’t really want to go.
What you really want is something? Maybe you are looking for a way to make your life better. I don’t know. I can’t talk for you.
You have to find out what you really want and go for it.
Excellent response. Actually I have been wanting to go for a while but I guess I am just psyching myself out too much. I have a pretty fool proof plan and I guess I am worried what will happen, mentally, to the people I leave behind even though they are done with me anyway.
I am in my mid 40’s so there is not much else I have to accomplish or set out to do. I think what I really want I lost. Now I have to figure out the actual ending it conundrum.
I’m not sure. The first time my mother had an intervention with my friends. I hated myself for almost hurting them that bad. I’m no longer as suicidal not for the same reasons anyway. Lately I feel like the prblem is ccoping with my ADHD. Also I have a set time frame ish when I get there I’ll let you know.
Fear of the unknown (death). Religious prohibitions. Filial prohibitions. Even societal prohibitions can be powerful demotivators.
Consider: young people attempt more and succeed less, older people attempt less and succeed more. I think it’s because older people make better plans and are more mentally prepared.
I certainly remember my youthful attempts were really random acts of angst. My last plan two years ago was detailed enough to keep a list of things to do and a calendar I marked off the days.
But I didn’t go through with it. I sabatoged myself by committing the number one suicidal faux pas: I told my GF. She talked me into waiting one month. I did and then real life intervened when my dad fell sick. Thus my dad died so that I could live. Funny that.
I am pretty much alone SeeSmith so I can keep it to myself and the people I do end up talking too could care less as they are more interested in when they can find their next drink.
I think I am mostly worried is that I have not checked off everything on my “out the door” list and I also keep playing in my head what the death notification would be like and how my family would respond. Morbid, yes, but so is the topic I am trying to discuss.
Guess it is the same as standing on the high dive at the water park and knowing I want to jump and getting the courage to actually jump.
to me, it’s because of this fucking useless hope that maybe things will get better when they never have, the thought that maybe ill get lucky or get a miracle. and i really wish i could forget this, but i cant.
My therapist says it is the body’s will to live or something like that. Luck for me is a premium. I am probably the only person who could have the winning lottery ticket and still lose.
I only ever tried to do it once. The moment I downed the handful of pills, I instantly thought that I wasn’t ready yet and that I really screwed up. But I didn’t panic, I just felt a overwhelming sense of something I can’t even describe, it was one of the most terrifying feelings I’ve ever felt.
So I told my mom what I did and hoped it wasn’t too late, and was rushed to the hospital where they pumped my stomach.
The messed up thing is now a few years later after that incident, I still want to die but can’t seem to find it in myself to go through with it fully.
In regards to what you described, it seems like you still have a will to live even if it doesn’t feel like it. Or maybe like me, you could scared of what comes after dying.
See, I don’t fear “death”, I fear what comes after it. And when I was knocking on its door, that feeling I mentioned before was one of the worst kind of feeling I’ve ever felt.
So to answer your question, I think you have to look deeper into yourself and ask why is it that you can’t go through with it.
I have set myself numerous dates and times. I get all my affairs in order and a nice lovely note. I sit and stare at my bag. I start to think of all the horrible things that have happened and my feeling of loneliness. I get the urge to do it and then a random thought pops in my head. Like last time I was all geared up to do it, I wanted one last dance. So I put everything on hold and had a slow dance with my best friend. Then the next day the process started back up. All the planning and building up to that critical moment. It’s been an emotional ride. It could also be suicidal ideation?
@conflictedspirit. I actually tried once when the incident occured and my relationship with my wife was over. I took a bunch of different meds and sleeping pills and OTC zzzquil’s and I still work up. Had an EMT shining a light in my eyes telling me to come back to the light. I was mortified. Spent two weeks in a psych ward explaining the reasoning.
@lostitall2015 I was wondering if it was suicidal ideation but when you have nothing at all there is nothing else for you to do. When I was younger I could snap myself back up into shape and go on since there were no children involved and now that I have kids it makes it that much hardever even with her saying it would be a cold day in hell until I see them again. I was told she said that by a family member since I am not allowed to talk to the soon to be ex wife.
I am mostly scared of screwing it up. I do not want any pain. (I hope this is not discussing methods here) but plan on taking a weapon and putting into my mouth to aim for the brain steam and out go the lights. Hopefully I am dead before I realize the shot rang out.
I do not want to hurt anybody with the exception of myself. I find that just staying alive so others do not mourn my death is a bit selfish on both ends. If my family has decided to never see me again than killing myself should be a forgone conclusion the only difference is one needs to have a funeral.
Each day I am alive it is like the poison capsule was set to go off in my head like in the movie Mission Impossible 3. I keep hearing that awful noise and it hurts and it won’t quit. Only I have to officially pull the trigger.
I might have to end up getting drunk first.
I understand you’re feelings, Missing. I’m in a fairly similar situation myself. If you have anything to truly hold on hope for. Then you should always look for a way to do it. But when you realize that the hope your holding is just societal expectation. I think you’re cleared of all guilt to check out.
I feel that most of the people in my life only expect me to stick around so that they don’t feel any guilt about me ending it. Or to avoid the judgmental looks of others who might possibly believe it was their fault. Hell some people feel embarrassed by it.
Whichever option you choose, life or death. Make sure you have a plan and have your shit in order. Both end games seem completely unreasonable to me if you don’t plan it right. Continue to live in a miserable situation or possibly worse situation. Or fail your suicide attempt and end up hospitalized or brain damaged then living in that worse situation.
Whatever you choose to do, in the end it is your decision and your right as a person on this planet. I hope that you find the peace that you’re looking for in whatever you endeavor you choose.
Greatest response ever Sum. I do have everything in order. Have the notes written and the last requests like DNR and who I want my stuff to go too and so on. I know it may suck for whoever has to clean up the mess and find the body but then again no one really cared about me anyway so the mess should not be that big of a deal. The cops will probably end up cleaning that up mostly anyway.
I almost made it with the rope hang but the rope gave way a bit and I landed on my feet. Then I was able to secure a firearm and now it is just a matter of when I plan on doing it. I keep thinking something will come and save me from doing it but it seems like I am hearing, “Any day now, we are waiting!” so I am trying to muster up the courage.