I’d like to talk about the various ways in which I want to exit this life, but really, realistically, they’re not going to work in the way I want them to. The most effective methods are not accessible to me and will not be unless I go to great lengths.
So hi there, SP. I’m still stuck in life.
I’m still a reasonably functioning organism on Earth who has no idea what she’s doing and, despite the knowledge that readily available methods will not work for her, still holds the belief that she deserves to die and that nonexistence is bliss.
I think: Who the fuck do I think I am, to live?
I’m mediocre.
No. These are lies.
But I am truly mediocre.
–
I am afraid of males.
I am afraid of the parts they have that a female doesn’t have.
I am terrified of them- that, and their love and emotions.
This is from my brother abusing me physically and emotionally at the age of 6. How can a human being with a soul do terrible things to another person?
I don’t know when I will ever recover and love like a normal woman. Person.
Somehow the opposite sex, in their physical proximity, has become to me a symbol for both punishment and love. Sick, right? (Fifty shades anyone?(NO.))
My brother and I were very close before he suddenly turned on me and started a torrent of abuse and neglect. So in that light, it makes sense that every relationship I ever had started with bliss and an overwhelming feeling of intimacy before everything went to destruction and contact abruptly terminated and left me stricken, depressed, self-restricting and punishing.
They never lasted long.
But it’s not like a good relationship can solve individual life problems, right?
–
That train of thought slightly got out of hand.
I don’t know if I can say that I forgive my brother, a kid with OCD at the time.
I didn’t understand either
but I was hurt.
He probably hurt, too.
This is a world of hurt, I think.
Hurt leads to hurt leads to hurt.
It feels good to understand, though.
Or at least try.
5 comments
Have you ever talked about this to anyone with experience dealing with abuse? What you’re describing – diminished self-worth, conflicting feelings of fear and love, patterns of destructive relationships – seems relatively common among those who’ve gone through it. I think a lot of therapists have experience dealing with those specific issues. There’s also survivors groups etc. Just a thought.
Not saying that recovering from that is easy, but many seem to go on to find a life they feel is worth living with the help of others who understand.
It can be terrifying when you’re exposed to that aspect of humanity, particularly at a young age. There is a lot of hurt, frustration, fear, and anger in the world, and people tend to spread it around, rather than facing it themselves. Maybe at some we’ll progress as a species.
But there also seem to be plenty of people who are immune to inflicting their hurts on others. Who would never abuse the innocent. So there are parts of this world that are safe from it.
yeah! Bad things happen, it’s not easy to forget them but it’s also important not to let them destroy you, what is done is done, i’m not saying forgive and forget but learn, do give these bad things so much importance and move on, that’s just the best way to over come and survive. it’s the rest of your life that counts.
don’t ha ha!
Or you can always resort to death by living
I have had similar experiences. Unfortunately very similar, Red. And as someone stated above if you would like to talk to someone who has experienced similar misfortunes. I can give you my info.