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Stuck somewhere in-between…

by falling_soup

I am falling in love with my current boyfriend- It’s bitter-sweet. He can be the most amazing person in the world and is sweet, understanding and compassionate, patient and caring. Other times he can be a monster- he hurts me emotionally. The tears won’t stop when he gets angry or upset with me- he gets very aggressive over the smallest things and makes childish comebacks and remarks. He is so up and down with his feelings towards me. I was honest and opening up with him and letting my walls down.. It seems like he can’t actually commit to the relationship- We’ve gotten really close since I have moved in with him (he is wanting me in the apartment with him “temporarily” until I can save up money from my full time minimum wage paying job to move into a roommate situation- and pay rent to him with part of my checks to him each time I get paid)  YET – he gets emotional when he hears that I am struggling with my suicidal thoughts and then will shut down when I start cutting and gets aggressive about the situation.

Within the last few hours I started talking to my ex-boyfriend who I have been on and on with. We were together for 3 years on and off and a solid 6 months in 2012. We have been on and off with our communication so we either talk all the time and have good talks or he shuts me out for months at a time.

 

The relationship and the emotional attachment I had with my ex-boyfriend is unique. I won’t ever have something like that again.. I miss Cris very much- I have learned to move on and not let the past love I have for him get in my way. It’s just- every time I hear from him – I melt – I get weak and I have no idea what to do other than to be kind and sweet and let him walk all over me..

 

My current boyfriend and I are doing okay currently- I am doing my best to not get aggressive when he is aggressive or rude. I just don’t let the emotional ware and tare get to me. I am falling for him after all..

 

I really miss Cris though- he was someone I really loved and cared about. He had been someone that I make those shooting star wishes on – blowing off an eyelash and wishing- holding my breath in tunnels and just wishing- sending energy for Cris to just talk to me again- I like having him in my life – maybe not my healthiest or smartest choice- Cris can break me down instantly. I learned to get a tougher skin from him- I don’t let as much bother me..

 

On top of this – I am feeling lonely and like I am fighting a lot of the emotional battles win- I self harm and cut..

I am really exhausted and over emotional..

 

I feel so lost ,

*Sorry for any typos- I am very tired*

Love Always,

Falling_Soup

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day2day 1/12/2017 - 4:25 am

If he truly loved you, he wouldn’t hurt you. If he loved you and hurt you, he’d do anything he could to make up for it and then resolve to never hurt you again.

Yes in the real world we can’t live by our ideals and I get that sometimes people get mad, yell at one another/fight over important issues (trivial or not). But still there are certain lines one never crosses if one loves someone else, such as abusing, hitting, insulting/degrading that person.

Otherwise it’s a lie and an illusion and perhaps that other person could simply be using and manipulating you for their own purposes. Also once that line crosses into abuse, it tends to get worse, not better.

There are some girls here who could tell you better than I can through their lived experience of being involved in abuse relationships for many years that ruined their lives. Sounds like you’re at the start of one. It might be best to not live with this individual.

As for the older boyfriend, it reminds me of a very good friend I used to have who I met at my last job. He was well liked by many people, seemed like a great guy but there was something off about him. He even told me on a few occasions that there is another, darker side to him.

At first I didn’t take him seriously but over time I realized he was right. Like your ex-bf he’d shut people out and was unreliable when it came to relationships. Finally I realized I needed to just cut him out of my life.

People don’t change so if your ex has stiffed you before, he’ll do it again and again. Perhaps you need to find a guy who will be there for you and genuinely cares and treats you with respect. We teach others how to treat us-if we don’t respect ourselves then they won’t either. So start by respecting yourself and get rid of those who treat you like crap.

Wittie 1/12/2017 - 6:54 am

I get that you’re here because you don’t have a lot of self-worth, but you should try to find either the dignity or compassion within you to run like hell in the opposite direction! There is no “but he’s so…” crap. If this is how he is now, this is who he is.
There are a regrettable sociological and biological disadvantages to being female, so even though YOU are self-destructive, remember that men such as yours lack self restraint and often try to manipulate those weaker than themselves into believing that they have no worth, no value, and no options apart from their psychological & [physical control.
If you think your life is hellish now, wait until you turn your life over to this boyfriend that you “love”. Guaranteed he will try to get you pregnant so you won’t leave him. . . . Picture that fucking life of terror for you and your offspring!
Do you read other people’s posts? The agony they endured and are trying to escape because such a man as yours was their boyfriend/husband/father?
Girl, RUN like hell in the opposite direction, if not for yourself, then for your future children.

muspelhem 1/12/2017 - 11:24 am

You choose to date men that hurt you. I can’t really see how that is any of our business.

beautifulsinner 1/12/2017 - 5:14 pm

emotions are such a funny thing, aren’t they? i know how you feel, im kind of stuck in the same situation although my boyfriend is more passive aggressive than anything. i mean it hurts, i know and i know logically you know what the right thing to do would be. honestly though, if i were you, i would break up with the boyfriend you have now and go for the other guy, the one who you have history with. everyone gets into fights and has disagreements but if your current boyfriend now cant see that hes hurting you, go back to the guy you have history with. im sorry but no one deserves to be treated like that, even if you love him. remember to do whats best for you and your mental heath. look at things in the long run, will this guy really be worth enduring the aggressiveness? i dont think so. you do you and take care, wishing you all the best <3

spectralgiraffe 1/12/2017 - 5:37 pm

Where you say he can be a monster and aggressive, that worries me. Sounds like he’s going ‘hot and cold’ on you, might be better to google it, but its manipulation I think. Yes like someone else said if he really loved you he wouldn’t hurt you.

Now I had been in an online relationship (I’ve never had a RL one) for about 5 or 6 years. He was very manipulative. I knew he was a manipulative one but I chose to stay with him, I thought he would ‘change’ and also I didn’t want to be alone.

…but I know deep down he’s not going to change, and I’m better off alone than to be with someone like that, but I don’t care about being alone either way now.

Anyway that’s just my little experience and I am sorry if this comment was offensive in some way…

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