January 12th, 2017by falling_soup
I am falling in love with my current boyfriend- It’s bitter-sweet. He can be the most amazing person in the world and is sweet, understanding and compassionate, patient and caring. Other times he can be a monster- he hurts me emotionally. The tears won’t stop when he gets angry or upset with me- he gets very aggressive over the smallest things and makes childish comebacks and remarks. He is so up and down with his feelings towards me. I was honest and opening up with him and letting my walls down.. It seems like he can’t actually commit to the relationship- We’ve gotten really close since I have moved in with him (he is wanting me in the apartment with him “temporarily” until I can save up money from my full time minimum wage paying job to move into a roommate situation- and pay rent to him with part of my checks to him each time I get paid) YET – he gets emotional when he hears that I am struggling with my suicidal thoughts and then will shut down when I start cutting and gets aggressive about the situation.
Within the last few hours I started talking to my ex-boyfriend who I have been on and on with. We were together for 3 years on and off and a solid 6 months in 2012. We have been on and off with our communication so we either talk all the time and have good talks or he shuts me out for months at a time.
The relationship and the emotional attachment I had with my ex-boyfriend is unique. I won’t ever have something like that again.. I miss Cris very much- I have learned to move on and not let the past love I have for him get in my way. It’s just- every time I hear from him – I melt – I get weak and I have no idea what to do other than to be kind and sweet and let him walk all over me..
My current boyfriend and I are doing okay currently- I am doing my best to not get aggressive when he is aggressive or rude. I just don’t let the emotional ware and tare get to me. I am falling for him after all..
I really miss Cris though- he was someone I really loved and cared about. He had been someone that I make those shooting star wishes on – blowing off an eyelash and wishing- holding my breath in tunnels and just wishing- sending energy for Cris to just talk to me again- I like having him in my life – maybe not my healthiest or smartest choice- Cris can break me down instantly. I learned to get a tougher skin from him- I don’t let as much bother me..
On top of this – I am feeling lonely and like I am fighting a lot of the emotional battles win- I self harm and cut..
I am really exhausted and over emotional..
I feel so lost ,
*Sorry for any typos- I am very tired*