The New You Bullshit and Digging Myself Into A Hole

Hello. First off it’s been a boring winter break on my end. Just sat around applying for jobs online and watching DBZ. Bored out of my skull. Didn’t post for about a week and a half. Too bored to do so. So on to the things I really wanted to talk about. So as everyone knows, it’s a new year. With that comes new year’s resolutions. I decided a while ago that I’m just not the type of person that is capable of change, so I usual don’t give a fuck about resolutions. However, lately a part of my mind was annoyingly optimistic this time around. I looked at myself in the mirror recently and was more disgusted than usual. I already know that I’m a fat disgusting fuck and am already used to it, but this time around I was more disgusted than I normally am. So much so that that part of my head was already thinking about the “New You” bullshit. Working out, dieting, medication for the body acne. I quickly realized how stupid this was. I already know that I can’t change. I always tell myself, “I can do this, this time will be different, I can actually change my shitty habits.” Of course it never happens. I go right back to square one. That’s why I hate this “new you” crap. I finally accept how pathetic I am, then this sort of feeling comes along and I can’t help but running myself into that wall again. I despise it. On to the next topic. So the last semester for high school started today. Five more months and I’m gone. So naturally my attitude concerning my awkward social habits was indifferent. What does it matter what I do now? In five more months I will never see these people again. This mostly concerns about the girl I like. I have no idea how to act around her. I try ignoring her. I try avoiding her. I tried a little bit to just start up a conversation with her and see where it goes from there. Nothing I do works. So now, with only five months to go, I don’t care. “Do whatever.” I tell myself. “In five months none of it is going to matter. Yell nonsense at her for all I care”. I saw her in the morning and just started a casual conversation. “Remember it doesn’t matter.” I have to assure myself. Then the topic goes on scheduling issues. I tell her I’m going to try to get out of the gym class we both have, because I already have all the gym credits I need. She says she wants me to stay in the class so we can hang out. I tell her we barely even talked last semester. She said then we should fix that. I, like a dumb fuck, said ok we’ll flip for it, heads I go tails I stay. I lost. I have to take gym now. I dug myself into a fucking hole. God fucking damn it. If I have to take gym, I reason, I’m going to eventually ask her out then. I’m not going to go through gym and not ask her out at one point. I dug the hole even fucking deeper. God fucking damn it. I know this all sound like petty problems, but I just need to vent this. Sorry for wasting your time and thank your for listening.