January 4th, 2017by amarie75
I am so lost right now. So, yesterday I had started having a panic attack like any other day, except this time I was majorly dizzy and nascious and decided to walk down stairs with being so. I fell down every one of those stairs, had a bloody head, and huge bruises all over my thighs. My mother, being a mother, wanted to look at my legs to see how bad they were and I had totally forgotten about the cuts I had on my thighs, actually scars from literal weeks ago. I stopped cutting and I didn’t intend to cut anymore. At the time, I was also on the phone with my best friend as he was already worried enough about me falling down the stairs. The last thing he needed to hear in the background was “are those cuts?”. and I am not up to lying to anyone, so I had to go into the whole story with him. I also had to explain that I have been suicidal, but I will be okay and I will pull through because that’s what I always do.
Another thing before I move on, I stopped eating as much as I was about a month ago. Honestly just wasn’t feeling it. didn’t eat anything for a few weeks and these past two days, I’ve probably had a half of a pizza a day. I just don’t want to anymore, I’m not even much motivated to eat, not hungry, and anytime I do eat nowadays I feel like I’ll throw it up.
So, mom wants to send me to a hospital/doctor just to get me checked out and figure out what needs to be done, but I’ve been through this routine several, several times over the past seven years. I go see someone, they see cuts on cuts on bruises, they see I haven’t been eating, they see I’m dehydrated, and mom will tell them I refuse to take any of my meds which only make me worse. That hospital/doctor will recommend a Psych ward after they’re done treating me and poof! There I am once again.
Do you think I should be admitted? I have started to “relaspe” in my suicidal tendencies again and have been a bit impulsive, again. I know that if I keep this up, the way I keep thinking, I know I’ll drag myself to the dirt because that’s how I’ve always been. I always try to be full of hope, ya know? And I love to help others before myself and I hate people taking PITY on ME because I am far too undeserving, but I do need advice. Life has been majorly rough again and I’m going back down that spiral. Been having the worst flashbacks and sometimes I don’t even feel like me and I don’t want to be here. I feel odd lately and I keep trying to bring myself up, but something is always dragging me down right back again. I’m not sure if I want to keep on going. And I feel so dang hypocritical because I tell everyone to, but sometimes I don’t feel like I can myself. I haven’t felt this way in a year, thought I got out of it, but it’s back. I just wish I could feel okay again.
There is also the whole factor that I think my best friend is starting to look at me odd. He claims he isn’t, but when I tell him about my thoughts and how depressed I’ve been, I just don’t think he quite understands and it makes me feel really weird sometimes. I do believe he is more so upset, though.