i wake up every day telling myself that today will be better than yesterday. that i will be happy. that i will get through the day without a mental break down. every day i fail at this. every day some stupid shit goes wrong and sends me spiralling downward. i truly hate myself with all my heart. its funny because im actually looking forward to the future. im looking forward to moving out of this shitty city away from the shitty people. but yet, i always find myself looking at the bottle of 50+ ativan ive been saving for that day where i kill myself. every day, i find myself going back to that place of darkness, where i wish i was dead. theres this quote that my therapist told me, and it was that everyone is capable of loving and being loved. but how can someone love someone as fucked up as me? every day i look towards the future to when i get to leave home for college and study engineering. but every day, i come back to the place of darkness where i know im incapable of being loved. where i know that im destined for horrible things no matter how bright my future is. its funny, because i feel like the brighter my future becomes, the more hope i lose. i feel this pressure to get better, and be better from everyone who surrounds me. but the thing is, im not better. and i dont know if someone as broken as me can get fixed. maybe things happen for a reason. maybe im so goddamn suicidal because the universe is trying to tell me people would be better without me.
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3 comments
I am sorry for the way you feel. I feel like this most of the time too. But the universe is not trying to tell us anything. It’s our brain that is fucked up and wants us dead. The thing is are we gonna let it?
I can say at least you are thinking you are going to wake up and it is going to be a good day. Each day I curse everything when I am woken up and not gone.
sodone is right, it is our brain fighting without body about surviving and doing what we can to keep going which to me makes no sense.
It is like running a marathon and you have already found out you are not going to win and you are not even close to finishing but you keep being told that you will feel better if you finish and I have to ask why. Just so you can walk around feeling as though you accomplished something? I too feel sorry for how you feel. I am almost at the point where my body and mind are going to agree it is time to go and pull the trigger on that gun of mine.
The world would NOT be better without engineers Beautifulsinner! 🙂 I think there is nothing wrong with telling yourself tomorrow is going to be a better day…. some days it will be, but to think it’s going to work like that all the time and that you are just “going to be happy.” Well that’s a mighty tall order to fill and frankly unrealistic. Give yourself the break of knowing you’re gonna ave good days and bad days… and it’s ok that you do. Cause everybody does! No one is happy all the time no matter what they may tell you. So yep today sucked maybe for you… you had a sucky day and maybe it’ll be a sucky week too, but there will come better days and better weeks and you’ll be that much closer to leaving and going to school and start that which you are looking so forward to. Just give yourself the ok to hate the shitty days and not be so chipper because you are entitled to a bad mood just don’t dwell there. Keep telling yourself it will pass… it just really sucks right now, but it won’t stay that way. It’s all about coping and riding it through. You have a goal and that’s great, that will help you.