Hello.
I didn’t want to post anything today, but I just feel that I have to. (to feel a little bit better.)
There are 2 things I want to talk about today. (I will try to keep it as short as possible.)
Number 1 is how awful i felt today (I feel like I’m ready to kill myself at any moment.) and the second is my “addiction”.
- How I felt today
I’m a 17-year-old guy, and I am in my 1st year of highschool. Today was a really awful day though. Why? I don’t know exactly why, but I do know that I am really suicidal at the moment.
Sigh, let me explain my day.
It all started during my 2 period, we had a “free period” because of our absent teacher. Everyone was talking and being all happy with the whole class. Except my friend and me though. Later on he left me to go and be social with these other classmates (Why I didn’t join? Well, the ast 2 times I tried talking to them, they just ignored me..). So there I was.. All by myself.. while everyone else was being social and happy. That’s when it started, but this wasn’t the worst part. 4th period came. Yay P.E.! Or so I thought.. P.E. was a pain. I was all alone again, and we had to do things in a group… And yeah, I was alone again. My friend just left me behind (I don’t know why, he usually isn’t like that..). The other periods were even worse, but they were all the same, I was just sitting in class while being like this..
You see, I just wanted to tell someone this. I guess I just hope that someone will care, because I really feel like I’m ready to die.
I have had “bad” days in the past, days where I couldn’t do anything because my body didn’t want to, even though my mind said to do it. But this one is just a real pain to go through, and I hope that tomorrow will be at least a little bit better..
- My “addiction”
My second thing is my “addiction”.
No I am not talking about a porn addiction, sex addiction, drug addiction, alcohol addiction,… I am talking about my “addiction” to cut myself, to stab myself with a bread knife, to hit the wall,…
I don’t know if it really is an addiction, but it does feel like way though. I mean, I can’t control it, I just do it. I don’t do it everyday, but I do it pretty often. You know, I just have these days that when I see a pair o scissor, I cut. When I see a bread knife, I stab. Etc.
I can’t control it, but oh well. No one noticed so for, even not during P.E. (we wear shorts and a T-shirt).
does someone know a way to stop this madness? I would appreciate it if you could help me.
Greets Kur0-Nek0
6 comments
Have you tried talking to your friend about how you feel? If he usually isn’t like that, try explaining to him that him leaving you behind makes you feel bad. If he is a true friend, he’ll listen. And have you tried talking with a school counselor about your self-harm? Talking may help. I hope you see brighter days.
EmptyPluto
Thank you for your time.
He knows about everything.
He was depressed himsef, and I did my best to help me.
He says that he understands me, but it doesn’t really look that way..
Maybe he is just getting tired of me? lol, I wouldn’t be suprised if someone would tired of me.
Well, there may be another reason though.
You see he wants to become more social with the people from my class, but I don’t want to because they will try to ignore me anyways.
I have already tried talking to them twice, but he wasn’t there at that moent.
And he knows about this, but he doesn’t seem to believe me.
And uhh, my mom wants me to go to a psychiatrist, so maybe I’ll tell him/her.
School counselors are allowed to share information with my parents, psychiatrists aren’t.
Greets Kur0-Nek0
Sorry to hear that. Sometimes you can’t help friendships from drifting away. You have to do what works best for you, though. Even if it means not socializing. I hope things work out for you two, though. And good luck with finding a psychiatrist.
EmptyPluto
I will do my best to get through this alive.
And hopefully I’ll find a good psychiatris.
Thank you for your time!
Greets Kur0-Nek0
I cut aswell, not too often, but often enough for it to be a large part of my life.
I do it because it allows me to feel, I do not understand emotions very well, and I feel like I have literally control over the things I feel emotionally or physically. Cutting is the only thing that makes me feel like I’m in control of what I’m feeling.
Identify why it is you cut and try to eat away at the source would be my only advice to you my friend . . .
I can’t figure out why I cut…
But I don’t cut with knives or razor blades, but with scissors.
So I do it for the pain, not for the blood.
Greets Kur0-Nek0