I am so fucking sick of this shit. Sick of living by everyone else’s standards and everything that everyone else wants. I fucking hate it.
I hate hearing “do this” or “do that” or “you’re not allowed to do that”. Like just fucking let me live my life without being critiqued on everything I do.
Maybe it’s this critiquing that I have faced over the many years as a child is what turned me into the self hating adolescent I am now. And since I hate myself SO much, I’m just one big pushover who lets people treat me like crap. Which in turn, makes me feel even worse about myself.
so instead I let people push me around. I let them tell me what to do, and what I can’t do, because if I can’t please myself I might as well please those around me right?
Except I’m sick. So fucking sick of this shit. And oh of course just merely saying fuck it and not listen to anyone could help. But do I really have the strength to do that? No. Is it something that scares me? Yes.
Because my whole life it’s always been about my image. Look good, feel good, do good. Be nice and people will like you. Be smart so teachers like you. But don’t show any emotion because you don’t want to wreck that image, oh no, of course not.
Yet, if I were to be the honest, the ONLY thing I like about myself is my image. Even though I hate maintaining it, and being obideient to everyone annoys the shit out of me, I do it anyway. Because again, I hate myself so much, that if I can’t please myself, I might as well please others. But that’s sure as hell getting exhausting