So finally, here I am. Been struggling with depression for 6 years now. Just needed to get it all off my chest.
I was 16 when I met him. From a crush to a commitment, it didn’t take long for me to fall head over heels for him. But he enrolled in the army and I was left alone. I couldn’t handle his absence, and shared everything with a cousin. He was really understanding and I began trusting him. When he knew I trusted him blindly, he raped me. Multiple times. Then told me he wanted to marry me. I was scared, and immature. It didn’t occur to me to share it with my parents. I went into depression. Attempted suicide once. But calculated the dosage wrong and ended up being unconscious for two days.
The guy I was in love with supported me through everything. I tried really hard to overcome it. With his help, life slowly returned to normal. A month ago, he dumped me. Now I’m addicted to cutting. I’m addicted to sleeping pills. The darkness has come back. And I have no energy to fight it. All I can think about is to kill myself.
My parents love me, I have amazing friends. But they won’t understand the demons I’m facing. I feel so selfish for even thinking about suicide. But I can’t make myself to consider living. I just don’t have the energy anymore.
35 comments
I’ve been in a somewhat similar situation and the depression was unbelievable.. but I got over it after like 6 months I let go of the Maybe we can make it better bullshit and moved on myself and it got better from there. Wish you luck with whatever you choose to do though
I’m so glad to hear you were able to overcome all of it. Thank you for your time!
its no problem just msg me w/e you need or just wana chat about something no subject off limits
I’m new here, so I hope you won’t mind my silly question. How do I msg people here? Sorry! Not too good with figuring stuff out on my own
Ok, I’m going to comment on your post because everyone is obviously distracted by the egomaniacal racist asshole in the other post, and you deserve someone to talk to. Why did your boyfriend dump you? Do you want to talk about it? Or anything you want to talk about would be fine…
You have no idea what these words mean to me. I’m literally in tears just thinking that someone found me worth their time. I have no idea why he dumped me. In fact, we’d met after 7 months. I’d planned for it for like MONTHS. He was just different this time, and I found him busy on his phone all the time. We fought, I cried for three days straight while he ignored me and texted some other girl. When we came back, he just told me we could not be together. A week before that, he was talking about marrying me. It literally came out of the blue.
I hope I didn’t bore you too much. Thanks again for your kind words 🙂
Sounds like he just met someone he loved more… I’m sorry… I’m a little emotionally distant, but being abandoned like that must feel horrendous.
Pls don hurt yourself for the evil around you. Your perception about people and life will change over time. I don give a crap about anyone or anythn around me cuz when I went through a similar situation 5 yrs back I had no help and I did exactly what you are doing now. I won’t say it’s gon heal over time cuz it never will.
I’ve always wondered if I could help to heal a girl who got raped as her boyfriend by making love to her tenderly enough to help her forget her past experiences… but, this is probably a little naive, just wishful thinking, unfortunately…
I think my line of thought for that idea was that enough love will push out all of the hate. Does that make sense?
It does make a lot of sense. And that’s exactly how I survived – the guy I loved healed me and made me feel comfortable with my own self again.
Oh, that’s good! That’s wonderful… so I was right. Good. 🙂
Indeed you were. But this obviously created a serious emotional dependence on him. So when he left, I just got lost again. And everything came back a thousand times stronger. It’s hard actually, loving someone with scars.
Yeah… maybe learn to be a little more self reliant? Does that sound cold?
Nope.. Not cold at all.. Merely Practical.. I wish it were easy!
I’ll help you.
Yeah.. Still here. And it does mean a lot to me for you to be so generous. Thank you.
It does feel horrible, doesn’t it? Knowing it won’t get better ever. I too don’t have help. It’s scary at times.
I’ll help you. (this comment is copied from above. I accidentally posted it beneath your “I wish it were easy” Comment. I hope this doesn’t make it less meaningful.)
Hey, are you still around? You okay???
It can heal over time for sure
“My parents love me, I have amazing friends. But they won’t understand the demons I’m facing.”
Some will. Open up and find out. Quite literally, you have nothing to lose.
Yep I agree you then you might loose ‘friends’ but get a lot closer to the real ones
I did try. All I got was “it is just a phase”, or ” you are foolish to be still loving him”, or “do you cut thinking this would make him come back?” So I gave up.
I think he was talking about the rape. You need to tell someone. Trust me, you’ll feel a lot better. I know it doesn’t seem like it now, but it you tell someone you trust, you may feel better.
Well, that is certainly underwhelming. I’m sorry your friends can’t grasp this is a crisis situation.
You can struggle with this by yourself, which I don’t recommend. Or you can try to find a therapist. Or you can go to any hospital emergency room and tell them you are self-harming and suicidal.
The trouble with dealing with your depression alone is that you need to step outside of yourself and that’s really hard to do when you are locked into thinking over and over about how worthless you are and how abandoned you feel.
I think if I were in your shoes, I’d write my suicide note. Explain what happened, talk about how you feel, say your goodbyes to all the people you care about. List all the things you want to go to other people. Then take the letter and give it to your parents.
Hey SeeSmith, I saw your modded comment, just so you know. Good of you to share. And yes, you are very articulate. Don’t undersell yourself.
Thanks. Yes, my joints function acceptably! I need to start going to yoga classes so I’ll be able to do the One Hand Clapping Atlanta Butterscotch Surprise.
Well if that doesn’t sound sexual…
If I ever wrote my suicide note, they’d slap me and then shout at me for being so selfish. I live in a society which still equates depression to being crazy. Even the therapists over here are judgemental. In fact, the last one I went to merely told me that being suicidal would mean that no one would marry you. So get over it. Kinda at a loss here.
OK. Your parents suck. I’m sorry. Your therapists live in the stone age. Scary.
Do you live in a large city that might have something like a women’s support group? A women’s rights leaning political group. A progressive social justice group at a local university? By finding people that are more forward looking you may find information on resources that you can use, like progressive counseling, etc.
SeeSmith: I don’t really think such things even exist where I’m staying. As I said, its still a pretty closed up society over here. In fact, I didn’t even know self harming was bad or having suicidal thoughts meant you need to seek help until I read up about it over the internet.
Good grief! Where are you? India? Montenegro? Mississippi?
Somewhere similar, yeah. I’m totally amazed after reading the posts here, merely bc this is the first time I’ve come across people who can actually empathize. It sucks having to explain to people why one breakup makes me wanna die! I already love people here.
I was asking so I could see if there any NGOs that might be able to help you.