5AM BPD/Love/Sob

Do I get up and disappear while she lays beside me, sleeping beautifully? Even if she did no wrong I can’t force myself to believe she hasn’t, If I disappear maybe she’ll find someone better and worthy. I was always told anything said or thought after 2AM should be ignored but it seems to be my wisest moments. I don’t know how or why I think this way, I wish I didn’t. I wish I was ‘normal’… I used to say consistency is key in my previous relationships but it seems the only thing consistent in my life is sadness, suicidal thoughts and total destruction to those who try to love me, loyal or not. It’s weird because I always considered myself as a loving and giving person but everyday I see my mental state wear her down more and more, I wonder what’s more destructive? My personality or watching her degrade at the expense of her efforts to make me contempt.
I used to be amazing at hiding every emotion every mood every segment that could possibly boast negativity or doubt in a prospective lovers mind but I finally cracked… Why’s she still here? I’m not the same person she signed up to be with… She thought I was stable, not a splitting atom. If I died she would grieve for days but would she realise it was for her sanity and to save her from me, or would she refuse to leave me behind? I just lay here admiring her, not looking at her per-say but reminiscing and just thinking about her it provides me with my only sense of happiness and purpose. She even still tries to dress nice and do her make up, I appreciate it but tell her no… I’m weird I lusted for her looks originally thinking we’d be nothing more than just a hookup even told her it… But she became special, someone who I couldn’t disregard or just keep on the side I began to admire her in more ways than imaginable to the point where she has to only say “Hi” or “Morning” or even just be next to be when I wake up to have made my day… That’s why she doesn’t need to look good. I’m only 20 and I feel asif I have been married to this girl for 87 years and couldn’t care if she looked like Donald Trumps cat… She brings me the only hope, happiness, safety and purpose I have and no one ever has. Maybe she’s the reason I’ve became so transparent. I feel bad for trying to take my own life but I feel she deserves better, but I wish I could stay with her some how… The hardest thing about attempting suicide wasn’t the act itself but waking up in hospital to only my dad… I only wanted her. She was the light at the end of MY tunnel. She had been there all along until she was told to go home but again, senseless me can’t comprehend that and needed her when I awoke. It was kind of euphoric the attempt really… Drifting away into a deep sleep I felt like I was there bur away, free to explore my memories with her and that made me happy… It makes me wonder if when I’m dead those memories will be in my mind. I’d be lying if I said I haven’t considered getting up and attempting suicide again… I feel it’s a constant battle of persuading myself to stay and find purpose yet daily I feel a disappointment and a form of slow wear on her pretty soul. I still don’t know the answer to whether suicide would provide her the future she deserves, someone who doesn’t spontaneously change or has to endure periods of manic depressive cycles or even just numbness? I know it’s slowly killing her and I feel if I need to save her then suicide is the only way. I see it in her fathers eyes that I’m not good enough… I’m aware he’s testing for how long I’ll “hang around”… I know he’d rather her be with someone at a more respected university or even have a 6 figure salary and that’s just the start. Her friends always hated me… They thought they knew me yet had never spoken to me… They thought I set out to hurt her… I’d never even consider of regardless my state of mind. To me she was everything, I can’t describe her worth becausr words don’t exist and neither do actions… Any how I wonder how she’d react to if I just up and left, used the rope I bought to bring an end to both out suffering. I never meant ti drag you into this life, you wanted to be a fucking accountant like your dad… Not my carer. I’m sorry I led you down thia road for 2 years. Just for you and I to discover my illness. You only have to ask and i’ll disappear. Your happiness is not an object, you are not an object, you are a beautiful woman with great prospects in life and provide nothing but happiness and a sense of value to people. I really wish I could do the same for you, I even try noting ideas or ways I could do such a thing and… Well I just suck at it really. If I left would you be happy? My suffering is NOT your fault. You ARE and ALWAYS were not good enough but TOO GOOD for me. You changed so you could be with me… You dropped people so you could be with me… What did I do? Bring eternal sadness, destruction and a life of suffering. I know you’ll say otherwise but I can see it in your smile as the days go by… From February the 3rd our first kiss to today it’s disappearing. When I tried to kill myself I did it looking at the picture of you and the other guy you got with the night you were drunk… You looked so fucking happy in that picture, smiling laughing and now look at you. I thought “what have I done… I’ve ruined her”. I don’t know if or even when I’ll try to end myself and your pain again but I promise to succeed. I hope you genuinely find the happiness I once leached from your life I really do, for you are a gem to the world. I should probably try and sleep but I’m still not tired… The sensation to get up and just disappear as well as the doubt I have in us from no where drives my insomnia further. As much as it would kill me to see you happy with another man it would also give me peace to see you happy again. When you’re this sad but this in love in makes life so much harder, having ti choose between the 2 extremes and knowing each option is only a room away isn’t any better. You’ve saved me once, maybe it’s my turn to save you?
Fuck it i’ll try and sleep and endure the demons in my nightmare, just know this 1 thing. Whatever happens, I love and loved you truly and honestly regardless of how i portrayed myself to you. Fuck BPD and fuck BiPolar, I want to be normal, for you…