It’s strange the place I’m in right now, because these emotions or more so the lack of emotions disturbs me. For the last few years I find it a struggle to identify the emotions I feel. It’s as if my emotions are all knotted together in a tight-knit ball, so indistinguishable from each other much of the time…
A little off topic, but I’m tired of the daily struggles I have to bear in life. Often, I feel like I’m confined to a certain way of being, of living, of existence. I don’t think I’m expressing this in the right way, but I just wish I didn’t feel so trapped. It seems like a non stop war is raging around me. I fight and fight these battles, which have gone on for years, and I feel honestly like it’s all futile. I doubt everything I dream to be. I don’t have much. I don’t have good support, but I still want to believe that I can have these dreams. I hope these aren’t delusions of grandeur. I don’t think they are I just want to be an unshackled, capable and more competent version of me. Is this too much? I hate this doubt! I detest feeling like I’m not good enough in any way to accomplish certain things in life! Gosh, who told me I was so low? It sounds silly when I read it, but it’s just that I feel it so much of the time. I just want to feel like I can. You know…like I don’t have to be a special type of person to do certain things and that it’s okay that I want too.
It’s ridiculous, but even as I type this something in me still screams, “Forge ahead!” At the same time I wonder, again and again – what for? So, conflicted. It’s all so bizarre…
Sorry, I used “I” too much.
4 comments
What are your dreams? What are these ‘certain things’ you wish to accomplish? Is it to be the better version of yourself or something more specific?
Thank you for replying. Well, my goal is to become a better version of myself, so that I have the capabilities to achieve my dreams; and just in general not to feel so incompetent and frazzled so much of the time. I have quite a few dreams, but a few would Be to have good meaningful relationships, live on my own, get a phD, and some day open my own business. I’ll spear you the details of the rest. I hope I answered your question correctly.
This is so relatable. Yesterday I was thinking “what’s the fastest way out of this life and do I have the tools to do it this time, right now?” I borrowed some of your own words to write this:
Trapped
Fighting fruitless battles
Looking behind
For the guy who’s got my back
and it seems he was a shadow
Off to the front line, again
alone and unprepared
and not for the first time
While far off on the horizon
dreams twist and sway
Precious gems of smoke and dust
curl away through clenched fists
Another bushwhack
another day where I failed to Live
or Die
Maybe I’m the strongest man on earth….
goodness knows, I can take a beating
then stand and forge ahead
To chase sparkling motes
and smoky sunbeams
scraps of tin foil and old bottlecaps
chewing gum and condom wrappers
The prize is never the same up close
this dismal world has rubbed itself all over everything
covering beauty with icky bits of grime
Yet I chase the same enchanted treasure as all the rest
though with much less fervour
I know it to be worthless
and yet……
What else is there to do?
🙂
“This dismal world has rubbed itself all over everything covering beauty with icky bits of grime.” This part of your post really resonates with me, because their is so much truth in these words. My life so often seems to be coated in this grime, soiling everything that could and should have been lovely at one point but it is as you wrote, “I chase enchanted treasures….[ for] What else is there to do?” But, to continue on like a zombie who has no place among the living or the dead – an outcast to the joys of the living, simply bound to wallow in a misty, dark limbo.
Thank you for replying. I appreciate the words you wrote, it captured my own feelings quite well.It was wonderfully done. ^.^