There is a bridge I live close to and if I were to jump, I would land on concrete. I can’t really tell how much the distance is but I would guess it is around 3 or 4 stories tall. Maybe more..
I was emasculated by my height. It broke me. I will always be a man-child now. This traumatized me for life. I am always enduring constant humility by being 5’5. Look at statistics to see how height affects a male. The shorter the male, the more likely it is that height will affect them negatively.
It has already killed my personality.. my life is a minature hell and all I want is for my humility to end.
It is also pointless to compare me to others as I doubt most have even shared my dream.
I don’t care about celebrities (I maybe know the names of 5), I don’t care that there are shorter males as I doubt they shared my dream.. really I hate being compared.
I never did drugs, alcohol, sex etc. I had chances for relationships I suppose but I am never attracted to anyone. Plus most people come across as slutty anyways.
I hate drugs, sex, and alcohol as they symbolize weak will power in my eyes. I have never even kissed anyone even when I had chances and I used to be so proud of that. I used to feel above those things. I was so obsessed with will power it’s not even funny.
I didn’t need to be rich or have some social life, I genuinely never found much satisfaction from socializing. Truly, training was all I had to keep me sane.
I didn’t live for a companion. In this pointless world, there was only ONE thing that gave me meaning and that was training. I was simple. I was easy to satisfy before.
I used to do 100 pushups in one minute and 20 seconds as a 12 year old along with other things. I would train everyday unless I was sick (and even then, I would still probably do something just because I always felt so obsessed with training).
Skip to age 16.5.
The final month I trained I did 16-17,000 pushups with 45 pounds on my back total ( around 4000+ in a week. Basically I eventually improved in such a way that I was able to do 3 sets of 100 pushups with 45 lb back to back so basically 4 minutes and 30 seconds to do 300 pushups. I basically was able to do 1000+ pushups in the low 40 minute mark by the end of the month and I was only going to get better).
I did around 51,000 situps that month. It was something like 12,000+ per week. around 3000+ in a day for around 4 days in a week.
One day in that month, I lifted a 20lb dumbbell around once every 2 seconds for an hour without stopping per arm so around 1,800 times per arm. Around 3,600 times total. It took me 2 hours because I only had one 20lb dumbbell.
(this was the hardest thing I did that month)
I used to use the machines around 2 times a week since it was only open for 2 days in a week in the highschool I used to go to. I used around 80% of the max weight from the machines I used.
I would do 100 squats with 45 lb on my back.
All of that was done during the final month at age 16.5 and I was planning on doubling that the month afterwards. I would do other things too. For example, I used to run on my own in the evenings and sometimes in the nights.
I used to do various types of stretches.
I used to sleep with ankle weights even knowing it was in vain. I was so desperate to grow taller.
I would even jump 100 times with ankle weights.
I did so many other things too like one hand pushups with 45 lb, handstand pushups, clapping pushups, triangle pushups, etc. I used to be so energetic.. I remember when I would get up from bed in the morning and do 1000 pushups without breaking a sweat because that is how conditioned my body became.
I remember when I first did the 1000 pushups with 45 lb, where my shirt would go from grey to dark black from the front and back and throughout the end of the month, I went from that to not even sweating a single drop. It became as easy as brushing my teeth.
I used to care souch about this body. Now it’s shit to me. An insult.
I am above this pathetic body. I reject this trash!
And what was my goal before? My dream was basically to unlock my ultimate limit. I wanted to unlock my PRIME.
I wanted to break a few world records to prove my obsession. Before, I did genuinely believe in myself to the point where I could envision myself doing this.
I wanted to reach the pinnacle to my will power.
I wasnted a body that MIRRORED my will power.
I wanted a body I could TRULY call my EQUAL. I was obsessed with the perfect form.
Being short has always affected me ever since I was in elementary school. I was always the shortest male. It always killed me but i was able to justify it before. I tricked myself into believing that i was simply a late bloomer.
Eventually by the end of that final month it hit me that this degenerate body would not change. It hit me that I would always be a MIDGET!
and so I stopped. I was a good student but then when i found out that i am a degenerate, my whole world fell apart. After a month, I finally became suicidal.
Now I am 21.5.
It’s been almost 5 year of wanting to die every seco d of everyday.
My academic life is FUCKED because of this height. I did something stupid because I became so FIXATED with the height surgery.
I don’t want to go into detail but basically I became so fixated with fast money that I made a decision that I will always regret… and it really wasn’t a wise decision but the height surgery is clouding my mind.
I desperately want to go to beijing to get the height surgery I feel I am entitled to.
It costs 50k for 10 cm (4 inches basically).
Damn it.. and it will be all out of my pocket….
I have no idea when I will get it…
If I could possibly get 2 full time jobs then maybe I can get it when I am 23 but honestly with my luck, that isn’t happening.
I just want to give up.
This life is meaningless without training and I refuse to train without the height surgery.
I refuse to train if I won’t end up with the results I seek.
I wanted to weigh 250lb of muscle as a 16 year old but being a midget always affected my appetite in a way which caused me to be skinny.
I can’t eat.
This height surgeries can’t fix the damage that was done to my head so what the hell is the pont?
I can’t shoot myself as those fools in the mental institute stripped me of my gun rights… damn it…
It could have been so easy… I could have left by now had I only had my gun rights back..
I am not asking for much, just for the height surgery or a bullet through my brain but the height surgery is so expensive..
The surgery will never be mine and even if I do obtain it someday, nothing can fix the damage that was done to me. The humility I endured from being emasculated. The foundation of my being was stripped from its roots.
Basically, there is no way to break even. My life is like a scale. My will power had infinite value to me. I felt unique before because of it.
Nothing can make up for this loss.. You know what is truly defeating me? The years of lost potential.
By not training, I am losing more and more potential but I am too emasculated to give this body another chance. A height surgery isn’t going to fix this mess. My brain is nothing but a puddle now. So much hell.. without training I am nothing but I NEED THE SURGERIES in order to MAYBE give this life a second chance… who am I kidding.. I know suicide is all that is left.
I was the “all or nothing” kind of guy. Either I care a lot about my body and mind, or I won’t care at all. There is no “in between”. Anything below my expectations means death to me.
I even made an ultimatum before I became suicidal. I remember making an oath to myself that the moment I would stop training would be the moment I would die.
I didn’t think this would happen. I regret not keeping my promise. I was supposed to commit suicide when I was 16.5.
I regret living for this long.. when my dreams were stripped from me, it broke me as a person. I will always be man-child now. My head will always be broken. Waiting out the height surgery is torture. I can’t take it…
You know, there is this other thing that gets to me actually and that is my age. Older people say I am “young” but in my head, I feel so old..
Even before I became suicidal because of despair, even when I was ambitious I had still planned on dying before I hit the age 30.
I hate that number. I refuse to ever become that age. I refuse old age. I will always refuse it.
Maybe I should jump as I have nothing to live for anymore.
Training is all I had and my academic life is trash now. I threw away my future by being so fixated on this height. I needed the height surgery to be sane. There was a time when the height surgery could have fixed me but now its definitely too late. I am not the same person I used to be. I am a shadow of my former self.
I don’t give a damn that others can accept their flaws.
I hate being compared.
I feel like I have no arms or legs. I feel like I am living in constant self-denial. Nothing makes me happy anymore. All I do is suffer. I don’t deserve this hell..
I feel entitled to a peaceful suicide. Too bad this world enjoys it when people kill themselves in gruesome ways.
3 comments
You hate being compared? All you DO is compare!
I’m not saying this to try to make you feel better, it’s more for informational purposes, but the single most UNATTRACTIVE physical trait of a man I find is excessive height.
No, I’m not kidding, and here’s why: it has been my experience that almost every single tall man I have met (my apologies to any of you out there) are either arrogant and loud or gawky and uncomfortable.
And here’s also why: being rather on the short side myself, I don’t like the sexual dynamic of being with a really tall guy. Doesn’t work for me AT ALL.
So as far as I can see, except for your obsessing, you’re pretty damn near perfect. (Except I never found body builders attractive either).
All I’m saying is take a deep breath and show yourself a little love. “Cause from where I’m sitting, it’s not your height that’s fucked up, it’s your head. Welcome to the playground, kid!
i agree with whit. i was 5’4″ in grade 5 and ended up been 6’4″, my whole life i have felt awkward and gawky. i was always skinny which made me look like a string bean. not to mention the name calling or the constant….”ur so skinny!” i got from everyone.
i understand that this has messed u up, but ur not that short, not that comparing is what its about,
but i think u might have some form of body dysmorphia (pardon spelling). ur very hard on urself and i think i need to give urself a break.
as far as the Chinese surgery, shit man thats a big step. i knew a girl who got steroid treatments when we were younger and grew from 4 foot something to 5’8″.
good luck man, & like whit said…take a deep breath.
I once met a man who cried as he had no socks to wear
He later met a man who was sad as he had no shoes
But then he met a man who had no feet ….
Open your eyes, look around and you’ll see there’s always someone else who has it worse.
Nobody cares that you’re an averaged height young man, the majority of people on this dismal planet are secretly living they’re lives hating everything about their bodies wanting to look and be something different.
But why would you want to change who you are? You are you and you are perfect ….. be a man and be proud of you, you’re unique.
Oh and nothing turns a girl off more than a guy who’s insecure about himself especially when it’s something out of his control …. so get back to the weights and do what you do best.
And remember when you’re sat crying on the toilet as you’ve run out of toilet paper ….. think about the man who has no ass!!!! or when you’re sad as you have no girlfriend. …. think about the man with no right hand 😉