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damn it.

by Lazarus

Can’t think of a good title..

Anyhow, the consensus is that life is so fucking god awful that I can’t even kill myself to help out.

There’s so much awful shit going on.  Where do I begin? Oh. Well, my grandparents both have cancer now.

 My parents have been trying to help by sending healthy foods to them when they have been devouring shit food all their lives.  But they still sneak around to other family members and let them buy them junk food..( I can’t help people who don’t want to help themselves.) They’re waiting on a god sent miracle to heal them from cancer.  I don’t think it’s coming

If this whole cancer ordeal has taught me anything its that God is either the shittiest, most awful being, with the WORST sense of humor ever, or simply isn’t there..

Whatever the reason, I’m fucking tired.  Angry at “god”, angry at my grandparents, parents and myself.

I even had to stay over and help them. I’m not complaining about helping them, but.. I heard my grandad wailing in pain all night. Calling out to Jesus.  I’m ready for this to end.  I think he is too.

The whole thing has made my mother fucking unbearable( like she wasn’t already. )  I can’t stand her normally. But she’s crazy now. I understand her parents are dying, but.. I don’t know. You think you could not make my life any more of a living hell than it already is? Its not like she knows, anyhow, I learned the hard way that i can’t have any sort of sharing relationship with her.  I’ve all but stopped telling her about my life and… She hasn’t noticed.  She didn’t listen when I did talk, anyways.

My dad.. Is.. Better.  Close minded with some subjects, though. Set in his ways? I don’t know.  I’ve never been close to him.  I grew away from him when I was young.  He was mean, and drank.  But they both did- still do- and that’s another story.  He’s better now, no doubt

(hell of  Christian parents, aren’t they?)

 I’ve gotten off track now.

I would like to personally thank myself for getting high as fuck last night and feeling like Shit for stealing my parents’ weed. Yeah. (Way to go. I’m a peice of shit) I would also love to thank my dad for reminding me that I have 2 months until I have to take my ged! Fucking horray.  That I have to have to be in college or have a job by then. When I can’t even get a job because I’m not fucking old enough to work normal hours.  Lets not even mention the fact that I have no idea what I want to do with my life in the slightest.

I’ve came to the conclusion that if I fail my ged I’m probably just going to kill myself- but let’s hope not. It sounds pathetic. Really is. I really hate myself because I have no love for anything in this world besides art and videogames and you can’t make a living drawing without starving.

I’m so stressed out I just want to cut or fucking die but it would cause so many more problems for my family.  But what’s the point? Suicide is the biggest “fuck you,” right? Say goodbye to my mentally abusive parents with a bang. Fuck you guys!

But what about my pets? My sister? Grandparents are dragging her down pretty far with a shiny new eating disorder.  Excellent.  Just excellent- and I’m so emotionally unavailable I can’t even begin to help her.  I can’t say something to my parents. They’d make it worse.

I feel like the easy way out is the worst. But is it the best? I can’t decide. Pros and cons, I guess. Hell, I don’t even know if I’m ready to pass beyond that great curtain of flesh when I can’t even decide for myself what’s there.

Did you know the bible tells you to straight up deny scientific fact and rely solely on faith alone? Crazy, right?

Oh yeah. I almost forgot that I love my best friend (of the same gender no less) and she doesn’t even notice… God must really like me, huh.  My whole family would.. Geez. I don’t know- they’re southern Christians so take your pick of awful things that could happen.

Thanks for reading my absolute sarcastic mess of a rant.  Ciao for now.

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2 comments

pennilesspenmore 2/20/2017 - 3:46 am

Um, does not having junk food really make cancer better? If they are not going to live much anyway, why not let them enjoy the food they like?

I’ve read your other post too. You don’t deserve any of this. Definitely not what aren’t the consequences of your deliberate, free actions.

Whether suicide is the biggest “fuck you” is debatable. Dying means you could not bring yourself to say “fuck you, I’m on my own” and succumbed, right?

I wish you tell us more about how you feel in future posts.

Good luck with your ged.

Also, excuse me for a cliche from The Beatles “Don’t carry the world upon your shoulders.”

M 2/20/2017 - 11:16 pm

Well, It’s like this; they’ve eaten crappy, processed, sugary foods all their life. Their body needs more than sugars and shit food. They’d probably even feel better if they’d just stop shoving Cheetos down their throats. They’re overweight, it’s a contributing factor to the cancer.. They believe they’ll be healed by their god (Or my Grandmother does, at least. Couldn’t she put a little more effort into being healthier now?).
But what do I know? I’m hardly qualified. I guess it doesn’t matter.

Well, maybe, maybe I do. Maybe being born human is enough to make us deserve everything we’ve been served. Yeah, I do deserve what’s my fault at least.

Suicide is like the “fuck you” that’s the last word. Sure, it’s weak. Means you couldn’t take this life and moved onto something that’s (hopefully) better. But a fuck you is a fuck you, though.

Thank you, I really do hope I’ll pass. I never wanted to take it, actually. My parents enrolled me into a homeschool which their highschool diploma doesn’t *technically* count as a highschool diploma. They didn’t really think it through, you know?

Hey Jude 🙂 Who’s going to carry the world if we don’t?

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