Guess I should say I stumbled upon this site by accident researching suicide and what would be the quickest and easiest way to go… I’ve always had depression since I was a teen and just learned to deal with it. Lately it’s been so much worse with anxiety wrapped up in it too. Plus having relationship issues, I feel like I’m spinning in circles just begging for someone to take notice yet at the same time just pushing people away.
I lost someone i one I loved very much almost a year ago to suicide and I think about him constantly wishing I could be with him thinking it would make life so much easier on everyone who has to deal with me.
Im currently in a relationship and rely on him for so much but at the same time I think I’ve fallen hard for someone who’s been in my life for so long I can’t even remember the first time we met anymore. I’m petrified to break off my current relationship as my family has come to appreciate and love him it seems more than me. I’m afraid of what would come if I broke it off we’ve been together three years, yet I’m so miserable and feeling worse than ever. I’ve just been thinking it would be easier to be gone than to deal with any of it anymore. I hurt so much every day waking up and having to pretend to be happy. I’ve even gone back to old vices, cutting and smoking to make myself feel ok or as ok as I can…
Love really fucking sucks and I still think death would be a sweeter escape at the moment.
Sorry needed to vent to someone I haven’t been able to for such a long long time. I need to know I’m not the only one who feels like this and not be judged for what I think by people saying oh you’re ok, you can get over it again.
10 comments
I ve reached a conclusion based on the posts I’ve read here so far. Its the point of view of a certain group of people , that is we see the world different. Its a vague idea about life and death and consciousness. We ve noticed that there is something wrong with the common perception of life but we fail to understand what that is. We use the same logic of society to try to understand it and we go down a destructive path.
Or maybe its all in my head. That I perceive others in this site with my own mind and presume they think the same as I do. The whole me being the center of universe thing.
I just feel so alone with this thinking. It’s like the people who try to understand just can’t grasp the way my mind works and how it’s always jumbled about. I can’t ever describe what makes me feel the way I do and people get angry or upset because of it.
Death has always existed, always come at the end of life, since always. The fact that so many people are too afraid to even try to cope with it, or the knowledge it is coming for them and everyone they love….. It’s just wrong thinking. If suppressing anger causes illness, what the hell happens when fear of death is repressed?! We are not wrong, except by someone else’s definition, which I reject as false.
—– Ooooh. feeling a bit fiery today!
Welcome. I like to think of “us” as enlightened. We perceive differently and as a result do not conform to the bubble gum Chevy driving standard that is America. I don’t know if that made sense, just saying many of us just don’t have the constitution to be stereotypical gerbils in the American wheel. Sorry that you deal with the issues you do.
I mean damn, just read some of these posts – there are so many intelligent, awake, aware souls here. Souls that refuse to succumb to the dumbing down society requests of us. No wonder we’re misunderstood. We belong somewhere else. Reminds me of a t-shirt I saw once that said “You laugh at me because I’m different. I laugh at you because you’re all the same.” Oh well. Welcome, again.
Might be wrong in this, but i think that your present and future well being matters more than what your family thinks of your current bf. In all honesty, relationships come and go, and three years isn’t even that long (when you look at it from a different perspective, that is).
I’m not encouraging you to break it off, but would you really be happy faking for the rest of your life? maybe you might end up loving him more? i guess only you know the answer to that, but imho it’s better to stop things before they get out of hand, while you still can. Whatever you end up doing, good luck.
Chip, I think there are people who are willing participants in the rat race, and people who see the things we do but don’t feel like much could be done to change it anyway.
The worst is people who threw any individuality out the window at a young age and started mimicking everyone else out of self-preservation.
Yes. A self preservation technique, “sink or swim.” The rat race is toxic, and like any poison, everyone responds differently to it, with a multitude of symptoms. I had a chance to withdraw from society as I had known it for a period of 6 years, (became a long haul trucker and lived on the road) and it was an eye opener for me. I’ve never experienced such calm, away from the chaos. Sigh. They don’t call it a rat race for nothing.
” I had a chance to withdraw from society as I had known it for a period of 6 years, (became a long haul trucker and lived on the road) and it was an eye opener for me. I’ve never experienced such calm, away from the chaos.”
Sounds nice.
reading these replies made me think that there are more people that I can relate than I though would be .this is going to be my favorite post here.