Hope

I want to feel. I want to trust. I want to believe in the good that remains in this world.

I am so obsessed with being in control and keeping my vulnerability on a tight leash. Finding excuses to stay locked up away from everyone else.

I am annoying, ugly, delusional, crazy, needy, broken… who wants that?

They see objects when they look at me. My Mother saw the drugs my money could buy, or the facade she could create by projecting herself as another. My father saw an easily manipulated pawn to utilize in his chess game. My friends saw a charity case, a pest, a burden, and someone who can easily be used.

I saw a pathetic excuse for a human being. I tried to remove my problems and myself from the occasion for numerous reasons, but it never works.

She saw a person.

She loved me. Not my money, my actions, my persona, but me. She saw brokenness and looked to help me heal it. She wanted my health to improve for me.

I don’t believe it. I can’t. What does she want from me. I need to give it to her so she can be relieved from me. I don’t know what she is looking for, or what her reasons are for being around me, but she is still here, and I don’t know why. This anxiety is my chronic killer. She shouldn’t have to deal with me, nobody should. I want to kill myself, but I can’t.

Is it possible she really loves me?

No.

Yes?

I simply don’t know.