Hi – have to vent.
So, despite disbelief which I cant blame you for, I survived 15g of ******** (and, no, I wont give you the supplier).
No idea how it happened- spent 3 weeks in hospital after a 3 day coma. I lay undiscovered for 2 days.
Doctors could only say I was lucky- I dont feel it. I was calm and happy to go. So at peace.
Since then I’ve hit the gym and people have commented on how well I look. Final blood check revealed I’m OK now. No lasting damage.
They were apparently amazed the CT scan showed no damage. Im grateful for that at least.
But I just dont want to live. Simple. I’m in my 40s and Life fills me with boredom and disgust. My only family is my brother who is thankfully doing well in the army. I have quite a few friends but its not enough. I consider a relationship but I doubt I’ll ever get who or what I want. And I wonder if I could really deal with a family after so long living on my own.
I was offered a friends with benefits deal from a female friend but declined. I get attention when I go out but never from anyone I like.
Let me sum up an incident that shows you my Life: I started work and a much younger woman showed interest in me.I ignored it as the one time I had got involved before was disastrous. But we eventually got to talking and we got on pretty well.
I admit Im attracted to her. And she was always nice to me.
So this valentine I sent a secret admirer card- very subtle, nothing pledging eternal love. Just admiration. Made sure nothing in it could refer to me. I liked the idea of making her happy and she seemed so.
This week she has avoided me and today it was pretty obvious she didnt want to talk- no eye contact, formal talk. Even left with a colleague as this is a night a few of us work late and she has never did this before, or failed to say goodnight.
So, I tried to do a nice thing and now I feel terrible- the last thing I wanted to do was upset her or make her uncomfortable but looks like I did. I have a knack of screwing things up. The same day I meet another colleague the same age for lunch who loves talking to me and showing her baby scans.
How can I be likable yet unlikeable both at once?
It sums up the no win situation of my Life. A crush that no longer likes me and I know we couldnt work and live together yet the feelings still came.
I’m just tired of this endless stupidity and pointlessness. Thats why I long to leave.
12 comments
I’m so sorry you’re hurting. I’m glad to hear you go to the gym, that can help me sometimes. I really think if you just keep hanging on and wait you might find someone who could be there and make you happy. I can tell that’s what you want but yes sometimes it is hard and takes a while to get. Don’t be so upset because of the Valentines thing! It was so sweet of you and I don’t think she should treat you how she has been. Maybe it will change in a few days?
Thank You for a very sweet and insightful reply. Much appreciated.
The gym certainly helps- cycling or walking inclines while listening to Audible is great but it’s temporary.
You were right on the button about having somebody- much as I like her I couldn’t work with and date somebody, she is also very ambitous while I tend to be the laid back efficient type.
In a way, she’s a catalyst: she just represents what I want but will never have.
And Life itself bores and disgusts me.
I’m keeping out of her way- I would never deliberately make her uncomfortable or distracted.
Again, many Sincere Thanks for the reply.
Do not take offence of this reply i’m just screwing around 🙂 having fun, but yet being truthful.
To tell you the truth we are all tired, disappointed, and fucking wore the fuck out! 🙂
Nothing goes right! Are dreams go up in smoke! we keep asking our selves WHY! WHY! WHY!
Well the answer is simple, that’s the way it’s suppose to be 🙂
Get this just being born is like hitting the lotto! If you consider being a predator is a good thing!
Predator? That’s right we kill and devour everything in our path to survive, that’s what we do, nothing nice! 🙂 but that us!
So then we pretend we are much greater than the things we kill and we are special! We have great imaginations! ha ha!
Then we think were so special that everything should go our way! ha ha! NOPE! we were born that’s when our luck is over, now it’s time to suffer! And struggle!! may the best man win!
So now that we realize there ain’t no Santy Clause! And that gabbing the brass ring and everything else is out of our reach we get mad!!!! fuck this and fuck that!
I could go on and on, but really now that we are here through no choice of our own we have to make the best of it. That’s reality!
So don’t set your expectations to high, try to enjoy the simple things like eating! 🙂
Hope to get laid now and then, and laugh a lot! don’t take life to seriously remember no one gets out alive!! 🙂
“So don’t set your expectations to high, try to enjoy the simple things like eating! ?
Don’t take life to seriously”
Golden !
Well what else could i say? life sucks! might as well laugh about it 🙂
I can admire the positive existentialist outlook contained in your post.
I appreciate what you’re saying and Thank You.
The nemb thing can fail for everyone, because it depends on your weight, height, current health, etc. The purity of it can also affect the outcome, and the amount you use, while supposedly lethal, might have had lots of fillers (depending on where you got it). So yup… sadly not even that is for certain anymore.
As for your coworker… imho she got scared or you got her intentions wrong. Been there before, and yeah, it’s quite easy to think someone is interested in your when they’re actually just trying to be friendly (specially younger people nowadays, they seem to be a lot more uninhibited than what older people are). Either that or she thinks someone else sent that card and she’s pushing you away because she thinks her “secret admirer” is someone else that might show himself eventually (yeah, sounds nuts, but it’s a possibility when you send an anonymous card).
Not that this helps, but if you think that getting involved with someone younger might be bad (in my own experience i’d have to agree), maybe it was for the best.
Well, maybe Fentanyl is a better option. I just want to be sure this time.
As for my colleague- it’s a classic no win situation but I take full responsibility for my own actions. Really is all my fault, not hers.
Are you still here?
I have my doubts that it was ******** or if it contained it, that it was of a standard concentration. Did you buy it from mexico or australia? I neither it unlikely was. I’ve though about fentanyl but it could be extremely painful.
i have source up to you no guarantees but im getting it too . I understand if you dont trust this but just letting you know im taking a trip to get a NEM “baseball cap
Are you still on here?