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Impatiently Waiting

by GoingThroughTheMotions

After around 20 years of contemplating suicide and one attempt  15 years ago (when I was 14) I’ve got a plan… but it requires a bit of a wait.

I’ve come to realize how much it would hurt my mother, emotionally and physically, if I were to end it now. She’s 70 and has moved in with me because she can’t do everything that she used to be able to do. Ever since I was born she’s dedicated her all to bringing me up and has said if I were to ever die she would too, of a broken heart. Now the roles are switched and she relies on me for a lot of things.

It filled me with a lot of guilt when she mentioned how it would hurt her but it helped me put my situation into perspective. I just have to outlive her and then I can take care of everything else. If family curses are true, that gives me about a decade…

I know I’ll likely grow to resent this situation but as my username suggests, I’m officially just going through the motions until I can finally be free. In the meantime I plan on posting here to tell my story,  if only for myself.

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WhySkyEnd 2/15/2017 - 11:18 am

I know how you feel, holding back because someone you love would be devastated. It’s the reason I decided not to use a shotgun to kill myself. I thought about what would happen if I had a kid and saw him with his head blown off, it would kill me. However, even though it would hurt my parents I still can’t live a life of suffering just to appease them. What we feel and want also matters as well.

Merlin 2/16/2017 - 12:30 pm

What’s your story ‘Goingthroughthemotions’? How come you’ve reached the end of your tether?

From lurking and reading these forums it seems everyone has a very similar reason for wanting to end it all. Usually, it’s because they love their family too much to continue to inflict your personal pain on them. It’s both touching and sad in its selflessness and result.

I wonder whether learning to be selfish would help eradicate some of the negative feelings. If you have reached a point where you are willing to end it all then you are also at the point of being free to do whatever the hell you want, what’s the worse that can happen?

I’ve been through some very dark periods in my life, and what I keep reminding myself when i’m down is that life is a game and to not take it seriously. No one get’s out alive…

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