On the verge of giving up

My mind is racing about 200 mph but I can’t seem to think straight right now and find the right words to say.

I’m not hedging others to sympathize with me but I apologize if I may sound extremely pessimistic and too unbearable. And I also want to apologize on how lengthy my post is.

So where do I start? Do I start confiding to everyone how I wake up every morning feeling apathetic towards everything and everyone, and asking a god, the universe or my subconscious why it was so unfortunate that I still lived for another day? Or do I tell you guys how I locked myself in the bathroom for 30 minutes almost fighting for air because of crying? I don’t know. I just want to stop the pain. I want to stop thinking. I want everything to stop. I want to stop.

I kept on distracting myself just to experience transient happiness and “find” escape from my thoughts and general disappointment with my life. Come on, I’m such a disappointment. I’m disappointed with everyone, how everyone seems to care for their personal agendas to get ahead and seek prominence and status. I’m disappointed with society, with how hypocritical the general consensus is. How people tend to maliciously sacrifice others for personal glory and “the greater good”–which really is about getting ahead of everyone else.. becoming simulated beings controlled by their superficial desires to be attractive and desirable. But more importantly, I’m disappointed with myself.

I’m disappointed how hateful I’ve become, how nihilistic I’ve become, how lethargic I’ve become, how useless I’ve become. I’ve become the person I don’t want to be.

I’m sorry, I know I’m blurting vague and random statements. So to clarify my situation, perhaps I should specify things.

I have to be honest, I wasn’t professionally diagnosed that I have clinical depression nor was I diagnosed to exhibit other mental conditions that may be oblivious to me. I hate to self-diagnose myself as well because I know it wouldn’t help me with anything, and it could even worsen my already pathetic situation. But I don’t know.. I don’t know what I am experiencing? Everyday, I feel less and less interested with life. I always wonder why “life” would still give me another day to live when all I want in life is to stop existing. And it’s not like I’m actually “sad” everyday? More like I feel disappointed with myself or that I feel so empty. There were even times where I just feel anxious over nothing? I could literally feel my heart palpitating even if I was just lying in bed thinking about something. I always feel tired even if I had just woken up. I am very irritable and get distressed over trivial things/ situations. I hate myself that sometimes I just snap at someone else. I feel bad when I rationalize what I did afterwards. I know it’s wrong and insensitive and I really feel guilty when that happens. It’s not me. I’m repressing my pain by indulging myself on sensory pleasures. Of course, it’s not really a surprise that an internet addict like me would watch weird Science videos all day, or have a series marathon, or to basically just ruin my eyesight more and more by living in my laptop figuratively. I either oversleep or do not sleep at all. I had even lost my appetite. Would just eat when I thought I should, not because I;m hungry or anything. I’m more focused on this escapism that I’ve chosen for myself that I have no interest on the real world anymore. And that is not who I am. Or is it really the REAL me that has been hiding my entire life?

And it’s too much. I love my brain and I feel like I am “my brain”, but sometimes I hate it too. Now, I’ve started to loathe it. One of my strengths is figuring things out because I’m curious about the mysteries of life and the universe, but I am so mad that I can’t think of controlling my mind? How do I fix my mind when I know that it IS my problem?

You may ask why I haven’t sought for a professional help. I’m on my mid-20s and live in a country where the social stigma for depression or any kind of mental condition is extreme. People generalize that when someone goes into therapy, they must be a social pariah because they are “crazy” and therefore, a disgusting human being. When one assumes that they are mentally ill, they should be admitted to a mental institution right away. That is how poorly educated people are in my country. Plus, I have to be honest that I have no money to seek professional help. I have no job and basically just a useless piece of shit in the society. I’m just a freeloader at home. And I don’t mean to brag but we live in a comfortable lifestyle. We’re definitely not rich people, just above average perhaps. Which is why when I’ve confessed to my parents that I’m depressed, my dad told me that I’m just bored and according to him, that is the real reason why only “rich people” commit suicide because they are bored. He further emphasized that people who are struggling financially never “feel depressed” because they’re “busy” finding livelihood. I don’t know where he got that absurd statistics but of course, it’s just pure bullshit based on his ignorant prejudices. And I’m actually alright with my dad. I know that he’s just very traditional and pessimistic.

It’s my mother who is intolerable. She had mentally, emotionally and physically abused me all my life. I don’t want to blame anyone because I know I have the disposition and capacity to function properly if I can, but I believe that she is a huge factor on how my mental and emotional health had developed. She had manipulated my brother and I several times when we were younger. She had devised a “kidnapping scheme” wherein she orchestrated a scenario that my brother was kidnapped but in reality she just kept my brother to a friend of hers. She did that to get the attention of our father because my father was having an affair that time. I knew it was just a ruse because I saw her preparing my brother’s bus tickets that time and I heard her giving him “instructions”. I know my dad had suspected that it was just fake (my dad is a prosecutor so he’s fairly familiar with these things), but I was still paranoid what was happening that time so I had told my dad. My mother found that out and literally threatened me with a knife that if I wouldn’t stop “messing with her plans”, she’d kill me. My brother and I were 9 and 8 that time. I could also remember the time that she had told us that she would “kill herself” with a gun and after telling us that, she locked herself in her room. Imagine my terror that time. I was 10. Our dad occasionally moved out of our house- it would span to a couple of days, to a couple of weeks, and there were times that he left us for a couple of years.

During High School, I was bullied at school. I wasn’t a loner nor a really “geek” person- I excel at my studies but not really that impressive compared to others perhaps. I didn’t mind being alone really (even more so now) but still had some “friends”. I had been bullied intensely- had been called perverse name e.g. “nipple”, which up until now I don’t have any idea why. I didn’t have large breasts nor large nipple or whatever. My grades dropped because I lost interest in studying and got scared of going to school. And it started from a former friend of mine so I was emotionally devastated that time. I think that was my first experience of having suicidal thoughts. That former friend had enticed others to bully me and had even contacted her elder sister to terrorize me on social media. Her sister told me that I should just “shut the fuck up and leave (former friend) alone or I should just kill myself”. And I didn’t know why she continued to do that because I never retaliated or anything. I then sought for new friends as “protection” from these bullies. They never really defended me, but just ignored the bullies when they do taunt me. But I still hang out with them because I still need that posse, that companion at least to not feel alone anymore. Eventually, I got more and more focused on my friends and ignored my studies. It didn’t help that the situation at home got worse. My dad and mom fought every night because my dad would always come home late. I just indulged myself with the company of my friends to escape the problems of my family, the bullying at school, and the pressure of my dropping grades. On my junior year, my mother was forcing me to take up a college major that I wasn’t interested at. She told me that if I wouldn’t take it, then I should just finance myself. I was a bit rebellious that time so I didn’t acquiesce with her, instead joined the bandwagon of my friends to choose a major that I wasn’t interested at either. Overall, I “think” I enjoyed my Highschool life but that’s because I had thrown away a lot of opportunities because I focused on “having fun” instead of taking my priorities seriously. If I would be given a chance to go back, I would definitely want to go back to my freshmen year and AVOID people. No friends = no drama. Perhaps I could’ve excelled much. I never thought of myself as a highly intellectual person, but at least I know that I have true passion to discover things and learn more. I mean despite all those tomfoolery that I did in HS, I had still aced some tests even with just an hour of review. I even got accepted on one of the top universities in my country with a course that I wasn’t really interested at. So I thought tjhat perhaps if ONLY I had taken my studies more seriously, I could’ve been so much better.

In my first year of college, I got so excited because I’d finally get a new life- a life away from the bullies. I’m a very introverted person especially when I was younger, but it excited me that everyone was friendly and wanted to know each other. I guess that’s common in your first year in uni right? I was startled that boys would ask me out because I never thought of myself as attractive or even “worthy of attention” because my self-esteem had basically vanished due to the bullying. Anyway, first year of my uni was alright. I was doing good and was enjoying the company of new friends. Downside was, I had my first boyfriend and he was very abusive. I don’t want to elaborate things anymore because it seems so funny to me now, but it had left an impact to me. It didn’t even help that the family crisis at home was worse. Our dad eventually left us for 2 years. And as always, our mom was lashing out on me. She had pressured me to really excel in uni, and had threatened that if I won’t be included in the Dean’s Listers, she’d confiscate all my gadgets and she’d ground me for the rest of the school year. My brother was actually coping up well with this. His attitude was so different than me. I could analyze that he wanted to impress our mom because that is his only way to get validation that he is loved. I wish I had the same determination and courage that he has because I’m different. The more I was pressured, the more I feel overwhelmed, and therefore I retreat and self-destruct.

Enduring the pressure from my mother and the bad relationship, I cried almost everyday which made me lose my focus on my studies again. I had even failed a class. So the next school year I continued to have this lax perspective towards my studies because I thought “nah, I had already failed a class. It’s pointless to even try to salvage how my transcript would look when I graduate”. I never failed a class again but my grades weren’t great either. Not bad, but just “average”. I had excelled in some classes that I really liked but my GPA was just alright because the other classes that I never paid attention to pulled down my grades. Like my situation in HS, I really regretted that more than anything.

I even had issues with how I handled relationships with friends and even guys that I *almost* dated. I think I have some sort of abandonment issues? I don’t know if this was due to my dad, or my mom or the girl in my HS who had betrayed me? I don’t know but I had become quite possessive of friends. I would crave for that all-consuming kind of friendship and when I felt like they had found someone else, I felt left out so I then abandon that friendship? That happened to three of my closest friends. One really scarred me because we were like sisters–more than sisters even. She’d become somehow possessive of me as well and teasingly told the guy that was courting me to back off because I’m hers. We didn’t develop “romantic” feelings towards each other or anything, but our friendship was really serious. Eventually I felt left out when she dated this guy. I was so happy for them because I was the one who told them that they’d be good couple because they’re both funny and kind. But then I thought I became irrationally possessive and felt left out when I noticed that she’d only hang out with me when the guy cancels out on her. Or that when we’re together, we’d only talk about the guy, and we never talked about things that we used to talk about before. I felt really abandoned.. and broken.

With dealing with potential romantic relationships. I had become so evasive and scared to go to another relationship after my first boyfriend. There was this guy who courted me for 3 years– we we’re friends at first but he told me about his intention and I kinda backed off. I knew that I liked him as well but I was just terrified. Our friends told us that it was as if we’re dating, but we’re really not. There wasn’t a label or anything. There were other great guys that courted me but I really didn’t entertain them because I thought they are my good friends, I don’t want to ruin that with the complications of a relationship. So yes, I think I was a bit scared because of my experience with my first boyfriend. Up until now, I never entered into another relationship.

Anyway, after graduating, I didn’t work right away because I was clueless of what I would do with a college degree that I wasn’t interested at in the first place. For about a year, I just stayed at home. My dad was encouraging me to take up classes to have more experiences, but when I suggested to him that I wanted to study photography or cooking, he’d just declined them. And I was okay with that, wasn’t really a big deal. Everyday I got more and more lonely ebcause I felt useless and wondered if I’ll ever do anything useful in life. I would just read random articles and “teach” myself some things because I love to know more about things. I even joined a forum where you console other people who have personal issues with life in general. I thought that it was what I wanted to do in my life and I wonder if that job even exists. It never occurred to me that it’s what therapists/counselors do, because like I said, in my country, people don’t really go into therapy. The concept of mental illness is non-existent. Anyway so, I haven’t realized that yet. I was a bit stupid and ignorant, you know. I just felt happy that I could help others- not really solve their problems, but listen to them. But in times that I felt that I couldn’t endure the loneliness, I’d cry and lock myself into my room thinking about suicidal thoughts. There was even a time when I felt extremely down that I contacted a religious hotline. It was alright because they listened but it felt forced as if they were just listening because they have some agenda because at the end of the conversation, they would ask you if you would like to convert. That was stupid right. I need to have some consolation not divine intervention that I didn’t even ask for. Take note, that time was when I was having serious questions about religion and the existence of god. I studied at religious schools so that was imposed: if you don’t believe in god then you’re life is ruined and you’d go to hell, SO REPENT! WTF right?

Anyway, I researched important events and facts in history that would suffice for my thirst to know more. I was really so absorbed to know about the “meaning of life” if there was god all those pretentious bullshits. And I was surprised to know the terrifying things that had happened in the past because of religion’s tyranny. I was so mad and disappointed that we didn’t study those things at school because I guess they wanted us to stay ignorant and blind about the terrifying things that had been done in the name of god.

Sorry, getting sidetracked again with my nihilism. Anyway, eventually, my dad advised me to apply into this corporate job and eventually got accepted. This is how my depression (or whatever it this that I’m experiencing) started. I wasn’t really an anti-social, but I’m a very reserved person so I really value my privacy. I got a bit shocked with how different the people were. They were so intrusive and would ask very personal questions that I wasn’t really comfortable to answer to people I don’t really know. I don’t know if I’m just weird but idk I’m just not comfortable about nosy people, who I don’t even talk to, asking personal questions. I mean the job was alright, it was very challenging which was good, but the people were my problem. I was this aloof nerd who focused too much on getting her job done, while they would secretly “report on field” but in reality they just had a date with someone, or they would prefer to have coffee breaks every two hours, or just gossip about other people. I know I’m not perfect either but at least I took my job seriously?? And the worst thing was my boss who took things into personal level. They played with their subordinates as if people are their chess pieces because they were focused on their own personal glory. I would’ve stayed on that job if not for the stress with office politics and drama. I don’t want to elaborate things but it was just a very stressful experience to me.

So after resigning on that job I went back on being a useless freeloader at home and became more reclusive than ever. My mom, as her usual selfish manipulative ***** self came back, stirred up another family drama. Well, her business got bankrupt so she got disappointed. I understood her and felt bad for her. The thing is, she’s a very materialistic person- buys dresses that she’ll never even wear just to “impress” her “frenemies” on facebook. I thought that was stupid. I don’t really get facebook (maybe because I’m a recluse who had deleted her account) Not my point but okay.. So basically, my dad was controlling her “luxurious expenditures”. And it’s not like he didn’t provide for her anymore, MY DAD IS VERY GIVING–it’s just that, my mom’s mentality is this: “as long as there is money, we have to spend it!”. So my dad controlled her expenses and she got mad. Eventually she told me that she had met someone online (i mean come on right??) who had promised to give her $10 M and marry her. The thing is, my mom is kinda stupid okay so she doesn’t know about scammers and hackers so she got fascinated and “fell in love”. The worst part wasn’t her stupidity that she fell for that bogus, but it hurt me so bad to think that she would leave us just because of money, AND that she actually told me about it because she thought I’d be happy about it. Like seriously??! You thought I’m that shallow like you??? She told me that she was contacting her “friend” (what kind of friend right to tolerate breaking up a marriage) who would arrange for her tickets to fly abroad and meet that guy *ahem scammer ahem*. I contacted another friend of hers (a sensible and smart one) to find out what happened straight from the horse’s mouth. After the friend talked with my mom, she told me that my mom said that my dad wasn’t providing her and that my dad was abusing her. LIKE WTF THAT ***** IS SO CRAZY. It was so untrue because my dad just controlled her expenses and he never abused anyone EVER. Yes, he had an affair in the past but my dad actually changed. And the only one who is an abusive ***** is my mom. I sometimes think that maybe my dad cheated on her because she’s a *****.

Anyway, I hacked her account and so my brother and I monitored their conversations. We were so disgusted at what they were talking about because come on you’d be disgusted when you find out your mom was sexting someone who isn’t your dad. Eventually, her friend (the sensible one) told her that the person who was messaging her was a scammer. She didn’t believe at first but finally she had convinced her. The scammer got mad with my mother and they “broke up”. And again, my mom blamed me. She told me that I always interrupt her “happiness”. Like that was just so edgy!!!! I would’ve understood if my dad was cheating on her again but it was so petty. She just wants new clothes (she actually told the scammer that it was the first thing she wanted to do when they meet: to shop). Sometimes I think if it would’ve been better if she’d left us instead.

She emotionally and mentally abused me again. She would go to my room and terrorize me by saying really hurtful things and had told me that if I wouldn’t stop crying or if my dad knew about it, she’d kill herself and that it’d be my fault. She had even forced me to watch her while she take 10 sleeping pills as an attempt for suicide. I don’t know how she survived, maybe bad people are really tough. When I had distanced myself from her because I couldn’t take all the things that she told me and she had done, she then forced herself again and threatened me with a knife- like that time when I was still a kid. I had become traumatized of her for quite some time. I tried to rationalize things that maybe it’s because she had been through so much, or that maybe I was just a bad person. Months would pass that we’re really good but then she’d provoke me again and then I’d ignore her again. Good thing is she don’t force herself on me anymore.

And so, I focused myself again on living “virtually”. I found this community/app wherein they help people who are depressed or basically who has personal problems. I really enjoyed it and I felt fulfilled everytime I was able to listen to someone and alleviate their mood. It would even boost me when they’d give me testimonials that I’m a great listener, and that they truly felt that I empathized with them and that they felt “heard”. I thought that was really touching to know that I was able to help someone even on such a simple “act of kindness”. I wasn’t paid or anything, everything was voluntarily done, but I felt like the fact that I was able to help someone was compensation enough. I had told my bestfriend about it, and he told me that it makes sense because back in the days, I would always be the “Mom Friend” who would console everyone, would give objective advice and just make everyone feel better. I told him that I would really want to do this as “a job”. And he teasingly asked me why I wanted to carry the burden of everyone. But I told him that it really makes me happy and fulfilled.

Thus, my ambition to be a counselor had been born. Looking back, I think that even when I was younger, I was unconsciously aware that this is what I wanted to do in my life. I always felt happy when my friends would seek for my advice because I felt trustworthy and I just like to make people feel better about themselves. I mean, when I was in HS, at 15, I was still so unaware of what I wanted to do in life (not to mention the pressure of my mother to take up a course that I have zero interest at). But now, I know and am sure that THIS is really my passion.

I wanted to help break the stigma about mental illnesses. When someone has Diabetes, do we discriminate them? No. Why is it so different when someone is mentally ill? That’s so fucked up. Even other health professionals discriminate mentally ill people. And I also want to look for ways on changing how “support systems” work. Usually they’d preach religious BS right away and encourage you to “go out, find a job, find a hobby, you’re just bored blah blah blah”. That is the worst thing to say to someone who is depressed right? We usually know what we want, but we just feel overwhelmed, incapable, useless and basically lost and empty. We don’t have the enthusiasm to do all that. We’re terrified.

I had experienced it, not only with myself but with others as well. My brother also got depressed a few years ago because of “pressure”. He told our mom about it and she just laughed at him. It was heartbreaking because the courage to admit to someone that you’re depressed is already a challenge for a person who is depressed because that’d make them vulnerable– it’s a cry for help. And to be laughed at? God, I am already crying when I think of that. Like myself, my brother didn’t seek professional help as well. I’m not really sure what he was going through ebcause we don’t talk anymore (had a falling out with him as well because of our “temepers” and I’m kinda jealous of him–story to follow) but I noticed that he had become a bit of a schizoid? Like, there were nights wherein we could hear him punching his head, or screaming gibberish, or even threatening to kill someone. He had some troubled past as well that he can’t get over. And as usual, my parents didn’t handle that well. My dad would just ignore it, had thought of seeking psychiatrist but I think he was ashamed about it so he never really encouraged my brother to do that. And you don’t even have to ask about what my mother did. She’d done her usual queen of the underworld epic bitchiness. When my brother has these episodes, she’d yell at him that “he’s a coward, he’s crazy and deserves what had happened to him”. I wanted to do something, but I’m scared because one time that I tried approaching my brother, he just yellled at me. Though I couldn’t really get mad at him because I somehow relate to him and I know how hard it is. I remember during the time when my mom had this scammer chatmate, I had expressed emotions to my brother (which I never do) and had told him that we should stick together and never leave our father. I told him that I understand why he’s “acting that way” (angry at everything); it’s because of what our mother did to us when we were kids. And he nodded.

The problem with him is that, he got mad on people who was better than him? He’s an overachiever at school, because like I’ve mentioned earlier, I think he felt that he’s only loved because of his achievements and so he hoarded too much “achievements” and “titles” and maintained that image because without that, he’s nothing. I think it started when we were younger because I was the “achiever” in school and got most of the attention of our parents while he struggled a bit at school. He wasn’t really affected with the family drama that had happened, instead he just focused on himself, in contrast with me who got so drained with the family problems (+ the problems at school) so I sought solace at other people and rebelled. Thus as we grew older, the situation reversed. He got the attention and love of our mom and he built this “achievements” fortress for himself. He entered law school, but found out that there are other people who could be better than him so he quit law school. That was when his schizoid episodes started. He just finished his Master’s degree on History and now he’s taking up his PhD. I noticed that he still got episodes when he stalks his previous law school classmates who are now graduates and would take up bar exams. I kinda analyzed that he stacked himself with all these “titles” to prove to himself that he could still be better than them even if they’re already lawyers. I don’t know. My brother is very image-oriented. He got that from our ***** mother whose concept of success is having titles, working at a prestigious company and earning loads of money. In short, things that I don’t have and do not want to have. I think every person should have their own concept of what success is. And to me, I think it’s going for something I’m truly passionate about, becoming great at it, and making an impact to help others and society in general.

Passion should be stronger than some kind of college diploma, right? Alas, no. It doesn’t work in real life.

I researched jobs or even volunteer positions wherein I could participate on any counseling/therapy jobs, but all of them require a person to have a degree in Psychology. And fuck. My bachelor’s degree IS SO DIFFERENT from that. I then thought of taking up MS in Psych. I know I’d take up some introductory classes to make up for the lack of units required, but I know I could manage. I told my dad about it and he was very firm to say no. He told me that it was a useless profession because everything could be looked up in the internet since it’s purely theoretical anyway. And told me that HR jobs are basically not worth it. I mean, I kinda agree with him that there are LOADS of free information in the internet (love you internet!!) but duh society requires us to have diploma™ so how could I work without that piece of paper? I even told him that I don’t want to be an HR consultant, but I wanted to be a counselor. That appalled him even more. He told me that it would be a stressful job and that I’d just be a shock absorber blah blah blah blah. I actually never felt stressed when I’m helping other people, in fact, I feel fulfilled because I know that they need help and that I’m able to do that so I do. And like, “dad, I’ve been a shock absorber my entire life because mom is a biatch” but of course I didn’t tell him that. Instead I cried. Surprise surprise.

What hurt me was that they allowed my brother to take up grad school after quitting law school. I mean, yes, I know he’s the achiever and the golden son™. But I’ve realized my mistakes, all I want is a second chance and I swear I wouldn’t let them down because this is what I want more than anything. I’d give up my hair just to get it. One time, when my mom stirred up another drama, I finally told them that I felt really hurt that they allowed my brother to take up grad school even if he quit law school, and that I felt like he’s their favorite. And you know what their answer was? “What’s wrong with having a favorite? We’re not saying that your brother is our favorite but what is wrong with that? Even jesus had a favorite- peter!!” WHAT THE FUCK RIGHT?

One might suppose, “you should just find a job you lazy piece of shit spoiled brat girl”. But the thing is, I’m scared? I’m scared of getting into another job and dealing with all those drama with people again. And you could even have a follow-up vent, “you should just try again. it could be different this time.” Well after failing at 3 separate important periods of my life, I think I’m so used up and tired to “try again”. Maybe I should just convince myself that I really am not for anything? That maybe it’s just that I wasn’t meant to do anything good in life. Isn’t that how those hypocritical quotes go? “Sometimes, some people win, others lose”. Maybe I’m the one who’s always meant to lose? Maybe I’m the counterbalance for those who always “win”?

Eventually, I ran away from home. The night before I decided that I’d run away, I had already decided to kill myself. The “materials” I need were prepared etc. But then, good thing I talked to my aunt and she told me that I’d be welcome to stay with her. So, I stayed there for 6 months but returned to this shithole when my dad got hospitalized. Actually, my mom even devised another lie telling me that my dad was comatose and 50:50 in the hospital. When I arrived there, my dad was conscious but had a mild stroke. 4 days after, he was released. He’s still recovering though (up until now) but he already went back to work 2 weeks after he was released at the hospital. He got better anyway but like I know my mother would guilt-trip me if I ran away again.

Fast forward to this day, my mother and I weren’t talking again because I snapped on her for the 9^999999999 time. What happened was, my dad showed me this advertisement at my dream school about a job opening. It was just a clerical job, but nah idc about money anyways so I got a bit intrigued. He told me to try it out because it might be easier to eventually enter into grad school when you’re working there. That’s actually what my brother did. He’s working at the uni where he took up his Master’s and now his Doctorate. I just got pissed when my mom asked me, “SO WHAT NOW? WHAT ARE YOU PLANNING? DO YOU WANT IT?” It was actually quite funny because my dad told her not to pressure me because he just showed me that to suggest if I’d be interested. Like, god that woman is really cray cray. The next day when she checked up on me and saw that I was playing with the cats and my dog (because they’re my only friends), she told me that I should find a job and improve myself instead of sulking the whole day because I’d go insane. God I already know that no need to be so repetitive me biatch. I had then snapped at her, “It’s none of your business!” in which she told me, “it’s for you.” and then I was even surprised with myself when I told her that “No, it’s not for me. It’s for YOU! Because you want to brag to your friends that your kids are SO SUCCESSFUL™. But you’re ashamed of me because I’m the useless piece of shit and my brother is like you who’s so proud of their shallow achievements just to impress everyone else!!!!!!” My father heard that but nah he’d never reprimanded me ever when I snap at my mom. Idk if he somehow agrees with me or he just don’t care.

ANYWAY. I inquired in that job position. I just snapped at my mom because she was so imposing and annoying. They responded but I got confused with their requirements, so I asked again and now they hadn’t responded for 2 days. Yikes, I sound like I’m desperate for a date or something.

I’m so devastated right now because of that. It might be petty but I don’t know?? I’m really sensitive. I feel like I’m forcing something that wasn’t meant to be. I actually got so excited when I inquired for that position because I thought to myself that maybe this is “finally my time”, that it is the starting point in the path towards my dreams. But then it’s taken away from me again?? Like, what’s the point? Am I really such a bad person? Does the universe really hate me? I mean, I’m not the kind of person who just goes on and pushes more after a failure. I get scared, devastated and overwhelmed and hopeless. It’s so ironic that my “dream job” is helping people but I feel so helpless. Maybe it wasn’t really meant to be? Gah that bullshit. I’m really so sad right now I’m on the verge of giving up. The only thing that has been holding me back is the actual pain when I kill myself. I’ve researched painless methods to kill myself and there is this one that’s most enticing but then the downside is if I still lived, I would have severe brain damage and I couldn’t risk that? My brain is my most valuable possession so I couldn’t gamble.

God I’m so mad at myself. I shouldn’t have been born. I’m thinking that there should be a procedure where you could donate “life” to other people who’s suffering and who’s more deserving to live. I mean, who knows, they could be the one to discover the cure for cancer? Or discover the origin of life and how consciousness works and if there is really a soul or if there is a life after death and other mind-boggling questions. Just not me. I feel so useless. I hate myself so much. I hate everything. I just want to stop existing.

I apologize for this. I know it’s so long and exhausting to read. But thank you very much if you’d made it this far. I really appreciate it, from the bottom of–uh well I don’t know if I even have a heart anymore. But really thank you.

P.S. Ignore the grammatical errors. English isn’t my primary language and it didn’t even help that my mind is so tired and my brain is not functioning well because I haven’t slept for 3 days now. Too much randomness. So please bear with me. Thanks