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Opinions Wanted

by Elliot97

I was going to take my own life today as my previous posts had stated. I booked my train ticket to the local forestry area so I could hang myself at 11pm. I had chosen today as my girlfriend went home to see her mum as her Granddad had passed away the day before.

I told her to go see him before he passed and she said she couldn’t face the idea of seeing him die, so I just held her and comfort her for the entire week. After she found out about my plans because I couldn’t just leave without saying goodbye she rushed home.

Only to realise my dad had text her saying how much of a selfish person I was. For him to say I was selfish when he knew i was depressed at 10, told my teachers I was trying to research ways of hanging myself -> did nothing. Knew I cut my wrists at age of 17 -> did nothing.

Then finally, I was hospitalised 2 days ago due to Xanax abuse and being out cold for the day he appears and says he’s always cared. He tried using my little sister as a reason to live. This man has done nothing but gone to work, come home and get blackout drunk and then expects me to care for him. He’s done nothing but give me food and a roof over my head, I could get this at any foster home. He was never a father figure for me….

This is the man that wanted to section me. This is the man that was never ever about and if he was, he was as drunk as they come.

How can you call someone selfish for wanting to stop their own endless misery. The timing is a given hard on my girlfriend but she was well aware before her grandad even got into his current state, I refuse to suffer more. He can’t say I’ve not tried to help myself, I’ve seen doctors, psychiatrists, CBT everything you can name…

I’m so angry and disappointed at the same time to call this man a father, he’s never cared until now and it’s down to my mum being upset.

(rant over, no I will not change my decision to want to die)

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4 comments

lxmyrick 2/4/2017 - 8:35 pm

I am very sorry for you, and I am not trying to stop you, but all of us SP members are all here for you.

Dark_Shadow 2/4/2017 - 8:40 pm

Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Your problem is solvable. Move out, take control of your life and show your father how great you can be as a person even when he was not there to support you. Have your own kids and treat them the way you have always wanted to be treated by your father. Show your father that he was not doing his job correctly.

I would be devastated if I wake up to find out my boyfriend took his life. I would be scarred for life. I would wake up every morning thinking about how I was not good enough for him to want to live for a future together. A future I have been fantasising about. A future that included him. A future that I will never have anymore.

Life is a joke sometimes and it might not even get better like other people have suggested but once you hit rock bottom, when you are at your worst, be grateful. Be grateful because you know you will never feel this low again. That you have already past the most challenging part of your life. (Literally just created this account to reply to your story).

jadedjewel 2/4/2017 - 10:41 pm

I think we sometimes forget that our parents are human. They have their faults and make mistakes too. They don’t always get it right. I’m not taking your dad’s side here, I just don’t know your dad to really judge him.

Maybe he was the kind of father to you that he had growing up because he didn’t know anything else or any better on what a father was supposed to be.

Now the alcoholism… that’s the tough part because usually when men AND women drink excessively, the alcohol changes their personality. It’s like a mask that covers their true and real self. Sober they can be a completely different person. I come from an alcoholic family so I know what it’s like. I understand how it tears families apart, destroys parent child relationships and seen it first hand. I don’t know if your dad liked his beer or if he was hard liquor kind of guy, but men and hard liquor…. can be a bad mix. It can some men into angry beasts.

I wonder if you had spent your childhood, your life, growing up with a sober father, if you’d have a better and closer relationship with him now … or would there still be this angst between you cause maybe your two personalities just clash and nothing more.

Maybe he regrets not being a better, more outward caring father to you… and feels a bit of responsibility and guilt for where you’re at today. Maybe he regrets a lot of things and doesn’t know how to make appropriate amends with you. Maybe he thinks you don’t want to and it’d be pointless to try at this point.

I understand you being upset with your girlfriend talking with your parents behind your back, the betrayal you feel, but it sounds like they have had a rough roller coaster ride right along with you throughout the years. At this point they are terrified that their son is going to do just what he said and end his life and as the saying goes: drastic times call for drastic measures. They probably feel like you do, they’ve tried getting you help and are now at their wits end on how to help you and prevent you from ending your life…. so they probably feel like sectioning you is their last resort.

Look, we all wish that if we wanted to commit suicide people: our friends and our families would just stand back and let it happen, let us do it………but that is not natural. Parents have a real fear of ever having to bury their own children. It’s not the natural course of things in their mind. They can’t help but want to save us any more than the body tries to save itself with the survival instinct kicking in when someone attempts suicide. It’s not something that can be easily overridden emotionally…. even you know that.

We can’t expect our loved ones to just be like ” oh, you’re going to hang yourself? well did you measure the rope properly and tie a good knot?…. oh and make sure you pick a real sturdy branch….and here’s a sandwich to take with you ‘ case ya get hungry…..awe. …Bu-bye…. love you! we’ll miss you! ” like you’re going on some kind of pleasure cruise. Most aren’t capable of that cause their job, whether they do a shitty job or not, is to care about us, love us and most of all, protect us from harm…. so your parents are just being parents. It’s not easy for them to turn a blind eye to something like this…. it’s a hard thing for them to be accepting of even though they know how you’ve suffered and you’ve made it clear this is what you want to do…. it’s a parent’s innate love. Those of us who don’t have children can’t know exactly what that love feels like. It’s a different kind of love from what you have for your girlfriend or friends or other family. It’s a bond, whether you are close or not, that you are trying to break prematurely…. no parent takes that well.

I am not trying to change your mind, you have a right to do as you choose. All I am trying to do is give you a chance to see it from their side, because it’s not any easier for the people left behind to deal with someone’s suicide than it is to be the one committing suicide, both go through huge amounts of indescribable pain. In fact they go through many of the same feelings and emotions after the suicide as we do leading up to the suicide…. they feel empty, and lost, and alone, can’t sleep, sleep too much, can’t eat, get anxiety, get depressed themselves….suicide is not ever easy for ANYONE involved. We like to detach ourselves by saying they will get over it, life will go on and be back to normal after a few months, they’ll be fine….. but it’s just not true. Life does go on for most, but it’s never the same, that loss stays with them til they die. Just as our life ends, theirs changes forever and they never get over it… the pain is always there for them deep down to their core…. who wouldn’t want to try and prevent that kind of pain?

Now your girlfriend…. she may have been saying other people are more attractive to her and give her attention you don’t as her way of detaching from you seeing as she knows of your plan. She probably feels hurt you’re choosing to leave her, so to protect herself from that pain, she’s lashing out as in fine, I’ll go be with someone else, since I am not worth sticking around for…. it’s her defense mechanism…. and maybe she thought at one point I’ll leave him before he leaves me. Could be the case, but maybe not. I think her talking to your parents was out of concern for you and was with the best of intentions.

So you asked for opinions…. and there’s mine. Sorry to be so long winded….I will say…. I think 19 is really young to be cutting out, but I know how the suffering can be at times and there’s that saying again: drastic times call for drastic measures. Do what you feel you have to do, just make sure it really is what you want and if it is?….. try to understand and accept your parents are the way they are with the best of intentions and it’s coming from a place of love, not harm….and just can’t fathom letting go of you…. because you’re their son. Try to at least respect that and accept that before you go.

jadedjewel 2/4/2017 - 11:19 pm

Sorry forgot you are 20 now….. but still too young in my eyes. 😉

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