I was going to take my own life today as my previous posts had stated. I booked my train ticket to the local forestry area so I could hang myself at 11pm. I had chosen today as my girlfriend went home to see her mum as her Granddad had passed away the day before.
I told her to go see him before he passed and she said she couldn’t face the idea of seeing him die, so I just held her and comfort her for the entire week. After she found out about my plans because I couldn’t just leave without saying goodbye she rushed home.
Only to realise my dad had text her saying how much of a selfish person I was. For him to say I was selfish when he knew i was depressed at 10, told my teachers I was trying to research ways of hanging myself -> did nothing. Knew I cut my wrists at age of 17 -> did nothing.
Then finally, I was hospitalised 2 days ago due to Xanax abuse and being out cold for the day he appears and says he’s always cared. He tried using my little sister as a reason to live. This man has done nothing but gone to work, come home and get blackout drunk and then expects me to care for him. He’s done nothing but give me food and a roof over my head, I could get this at any foster home. He was never a father figure for me….
This is the man that wanted to section me. This is the man that was never ever about and if he was, he was as drunk as they come.
How can you call someone selfish for wanting to stop their own endless misery. The timing is a given hard on my girlfriend but she was well aware before her grandad even got into his current state, I refuse to suffer more. He can’t say I’ve not tried to help myself, I’ve seen doctors, psychiatrists, CBT everything you can name…
I’m so angry and disappointed at the same time to call this man a father, he’s never cared until now and it’s down to my mum being upset.
(rant over, no I will not change my decision to want to die)