I’m not one of those people who has spent a lot of time thinking about death, or imagining her own death, or dreaming of it, or wanting it. At least I didn’t think I was. But so much shit has happened in the last few years of my life that I am questioning if I even have a life, or if what I thought was my life is actually an illusion, or maybe a delusion. Because it doesn’t seem like living to me. It seems like persevering, like that’s the most I can hope for. I’m not that old, but I’m already so tired. Even getting out of bed each morning seems like an enormous chore. Life seems to be about endurance, not enjoyment, not fulfillment. I don’t see the point. If someone told me I could go back and undo my birth, I think I might. I really do.
Is that the same as wanting to die? And if so, what does that mean?
3 comments
“So much shit has happened in the last few years of my life that I am questioning if I even have a life.” Sadly that shit IS life, along with all the non-shit too, even if it is often outweighed. [Insert cliché about that building character/strength here.]
We’re all deluded one way or another. Whether it’s in our expectation of what life should be, or our perception of what it currently is. I guess we eventually land on the delusion/illusion that makes life most comfortable? Or delude ourselves into thinking we’re not deluded and find comfort in that?
Rather than wanting to die, it sounds like you really want to live a better life. There’s a huge difference in that, and like you said you’re not that old. You’ve potentially got plenty more time and plenty more delusions to get through before you’re done. You never know, you might land on one that satisfies you! 😉
I wish I could live a better life. But the life I want to live is one that I don’t think I’m going to be able to achieve. I used to have a delusion that I loved. Every time I find something good or things start to look up…it gets torn away. I’m starting to lose hope. And Idk how to get it back…
It sounds like you’re having problems facing the new evolution your life has taken.
Just change with your life and see where it takes you. Good could be good as well as it could be bad.