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Slipping away

by beautifulsinner

It’s past midnight where I live, and I’m still awake. I’m still awake after taking my remeron, staring at mt celling in the dark. My mind is racing.

It feels like it can’t stop. Or won’t stop. Whatever, it’s not like I’m used to by now. It’s overwhelming living like this, it really is.

Every time I think things are getting better, it’s like something else happens that makes me feel like absolute shit again. It’s hard to find hope when every time you think you found it, it slips away from you.

I know I’ll never be good enough. I know my parents would rather I was a better daughter. I known my ex boyfriend is probably regretting his time spent with me. I know my friends think I’m just some cruel fuck up. It’s so hard to feel like your presence is valued in this life when your self confidence is at an all time low.

I’m slipping, and maybe this time, I’ll let myself fall. I keep my bottle of 60mg worth of Ativan by my bed, along with the bottle of tequila I stole from my parents. It sits there. Untouched, and unopened. But it’s only a matter of time before I try again. Because at this point, I truly can’t do anything right.

Every day is an inner battle for me. Between the anxiety and panic attacks, to the depression, it’s hard to manage. It’s getting harder to manage. I just don’t have a passion for life. Maybe the medication is working, because I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel the least bit better. But the one this medication can’t do, is take away your feelings of wanting to die.

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4 comments

a1957 2/11/2017 - 1:26 am

I had a panic attack (once) that lasted about 24 hours. I thought I was going to die. It was awful.
Anxiety shows up maybe once a month and has for years. There is a natural supplement L-theanine that dispatches it right away for me. Just an idea.
Depression has so many possible causes and at least as for as i know if you can work through a number of rule outs you just might find a way to get it reduced. What I am talking about is finding a supplement(s) that might just sort out some of it for you. Not a perfect fix but it could make it better and you not have to worry about side effects, limits on refills and the like.
If your parents(s) or other care givers have messed with your head that is another story but I hope this helps at least a little. I am in the battle of a lifetime for my own life and still could not tell you what the outcome will be but I have gotten some help in every area and like yourself would lying if didn’t say things are a getting a bit better.

beautifulsinner 2/11/2017 - 7:59 pm

Thank you. I have tried a variety of different supplements and such as my parents are into those kinds of things. Unfortunately, they only work for a short period of time and then their benefits wear off for me 🙁

lilxtina 2/11/2017 - 5:24 am

I wish I could say get better and be well but that would be hypocritical. I am sorry you are in a bad place. I think when you are feeling like this SP really helps. Family are too emotionally involved and most ‘friends’ can’t handle the pressure.

I have insomnia too, and severe depression. I get anxiety attacks almost everyday and life has made me its punching bag. I can see you are in a similar situation.

Whatever you decide to do, know you are loved here and we will never judge you.

beautifulsinner 2/11/2017 - 8:00 pm

Thank you. Your kind words mean a lot to me

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