So tired and so far from home.

I’m almost 19 but I don’t really know that I’ll make it to that point.
I’ve made it through a lot in less than two decades. A natural disaster left me homeless at age 6. My first instance of sexual abuse (that I was old enough to remember) was at age 9. I’ve been suffering from severe depression, anxiety, and flip flopping between BED and self starvation since age 12. First attempted suicide at 14. And lost my father at age 16. A few months prior to that, I met the only person I have ever found who offered unconditional support and genuine love. Things were alright for a while. I didnt attempt for almost a full year and a half, the longest I had gone without trying or even considering since that first attempt. I made up for lost time later, though. How fitting that as I fail at everything else in life, I fail time and time again at ending it all as well. After that year and a half, shit hit the fan. I realized I am trans, not too bad on its own until you factor in a hostile environment. People calling you sick, perverted, a liar, an abomination. Following you home after trying to attack you in a public restroom. Pulling weapons on you. Then it’s not so great. I was forced to leave my home, my friends, loved ones, and that one person behind. We still talk but I can tell they’re all fading out. Even her. In some ways she left a while ago though. I think she got tired of how empty I always am. I found this site when I was looking up how to tie a noose. I still might go back and finish reading once I finish typing this. I don’t even know why I’m typing this or what I think I can accomplish by letting complete strangers into my head. Maybe I’m doing this because I can’t afford therapy. Maybe I’m doing this because I want the bad things to go away but I find it hard to commit to death. I find it hard to commit to anything, really. Maybe I just need to go to bed and finish what I originally set out to do in the morning. The power got shut off and it’s too dark to see anything now but the screen of my phone anyway. Maybe for the first time in my life, I’ll be able to see something through to completion. I don’t know who I am or what I want anymore but I know it isn’t this.