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Son of A B*tch

by Query

Today “she” called called me by this vile name.
Today “she” told me God would punish me.
Today “she” told me that travesties would befall me.
Today “she” told me one day I would need them, and no one would be there for me.
Today “she” told me that I gave her the most trouble between my sister and I. I a quiet anxious, depressed student did this. I am not a good person, but this statement is ridiculous.
Today “she” stormed into our shared bed room threw open the curtains, and tore back my sheets.
Today “she” demanded I go with her now that I had free time. If free time is the space between “there” and work for eight hours.
All this because she needs her puppet to go to her church with her. When I say need, it’s a need that comes from desperately wanting to please those around her, and to control her child.
Yesterday “she” hit me.
Yesterday our private conversation about personal aspects of my body turned public as her volume increased in anger. Humiliating? Violating? All of the above, but those feelings don’t penetrate very deeply to my core anymore. All I can describe the feeling is as if these emotions are like entities with eyes watching silently back with unblinking eyes at the scene before them. Even when I cry it isn’t coming from the same place as before.

Who is this “she”? The “she” is my religious mother. The same mother who goes to church on a regular biases and reads her bible. Mother? What-a-JOKE. This is the epitome of religion? Control, Ill will, co-dependence, anger, rage, justifying the unjustifiable, fear, emotional, mental and psychical violence, cruel words.
After all that I still don’t blame the religion for “her” behavior. I don’t remember “this” being apart of it, and yet it’s like an unspoken right that isn’t really questioned.
I wonder how many people blame God for their vile behavior, and say it is due recompense?
Sometimes I am tempted to ask “her” do you think you’ll go to heaven after all of this? That God will open up his arm to your vile behavior, because you cry his name every Sunday and look down upon the world?
Sometimes I worry for her soul, but at the same time how can you help someone who thinks they can see when they’re actually blind?
I don’t know what religion means to me yet I am still asked to follow it, and pretend to the utmost of my abilities to the point where I not only deceive myself but those around me as well. However, no one says it, but you get sense that this is the expectation.
I have never really said this to anyone, but I don’t like my mother or my sister or much of those in my extended family ( due to various horrible behavior from them ie, false rumors about my mother and out families, alienation and verbal abuse etc). Funny enough… I will always love them. I don’t think that this “love” is a feeling the I can escape, and somewhere inside me will always wish that things could have been different. Even if things changed it is far too late for there to be a good close relationship.Too many chances given. I let people back unconsciously,and I give them many chances too, but I don’t why I do this. I think it’s hope? Maybe a need for love and belonging? Darn Maslow’s hierarchy of needs….

I am tired of this garbage….
I am tired of her religious threats….
I am tired of them…
I am tired of her…
I am tired of feeling tired…
I am tired of feeling bad about myself…
I am tired of feeling like this is all I will ever have…
I am tired of this lack of love and relationship…
I am tired of justifying the unjustifiable…
I am tired of feeling helpless…
I don’t want to be a victim…
I don’t want to be a whipping post…
I don’t want to live with them or speak to them or have anything to do with them, but I know their will always be a longing, a grieving and mourning for what could and should have been.

I believe I will be better when I leave them, and they are in the past or far in the distance where they can’t take up my air, pollute it or use it to destroy me. I believe it when I leave for this first time I will be okay. It won’t be roses, but I believe it will be okay, but when will that be?

It’s a shame that a person’s life can turn out this way. I am not better than anyone one else or too much worse. I have done my share of wrongs and rights, but I don’t believe that I deserves this, but then again who I am to decide this?

-P.S, Sorry for the bad spelling and grammar.

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Chip 2/19/2017 - 12:15 pm

I agree you will be better when you leave. Religion can help some and destroy others. It’s good you question it, instead of blindly following. Shows intelligence and discerning. I had a “Religious Mom.” I’m sure now that she meant well, but religious fervor makes people do strange things. Who needs religion? “God” or humans? Is there actually an omnipotent entity stamping it’s feet and crying because it’s not being worshipped? What a wuss! Go create a galaxy, Mr God, and leave me alone! I digress. Things will stabilize when your environment changes. For now, though, beware the hell fire and brimstone. Don’t ever stop “thinking.”

mysteriousvisitor 2/19/2017 - 2:39 pm

“It’s good that you question it instead of blindly following.”

This.

I do not recall ever reading where any spiritual teacher told anyone to blindly follow the words of another human being, including Jesus. It’s PEOPLE that try to convince us we should blindly follow what they say, but how can we ever learn the truth if we simply follow the words of other people and never actually reach out to that which we are supposed to be following?

SweetQuietus 2/19/2017 - 1:05 pm

Regarding spelling mistakes: “biases” instead of “basis”=best ever!

Regarding abuse at the hands of the religious:
1. You recognize it as abuse and that is the beginning of healing
2. When your mother says terrible things about you in front of others, know that they see what she is and hurt for you.
3. It is unfortunate no one has intervened. Perhaps someone has spoken with your mother, but some one ought to have reached out to you.
4. Religious people can be more than, less than or as messed up as everyone else.
5. Don’t confuse religion with the spirit of God. She doesn’t have it. Know that. Whatever is coming out of her isn’t of God.
6. Maybe it’s time to talk to someone who can get you out of that situation. I don’t know your situation, but you seem to have a good head on your shoulders. That doesn’t mean this didn’t mess you up, but you shouldn’t have to kill yourself to escape your abuser.
7. I envy your sense of self worth and your ability to recognize that it isn’t you. You’re miles ahead of others on the same path.
8. I am sending you hugs and encouragement and strength: if at all possible.

mysteriousvisitor 2/19/2017 - 2:41 pm

You seem to have a pretty logical and balanced way of seeing things. When it is your time to leave that home, you stand a good chance of doing well in life.

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